Binging

I've been binge eating all day today.

On average, I think I've been eating a full meal every 2 hours, which is scary!

Even for me.

Last night, Wen and I shared 4 (full serving) greasy Chinese main courses, with the pot of rice they were served with, at our favourite supper joint in Box Hill.

Sinful Chinese food has always been our ever-so-effective way to beat Monday blues, but that was a whole lot of food for two girls with a combined weight of less than 200 pounds!

After the huge dinner, we even thought of re-adjourning to Camberwell for dessert and tea, but only decided against it when our sanity caught up to us.

Little did she know, when I got home, I actually cleared a box of double-stuffed Oreos all by myself before I headed to bed.

Today, I've been sticking my head in the pantry or fridge every 30 minutes looking for something to fill the bottomless pit in my stomach.

As we speak, I can't stop thinking about a huge slice of chocolate mud cake with green tea frappuccino, or a large bowl of pasta with lots of Parmesan cheese.

And this is right after I've just had my noodle fix from Laksa King.

Clearly, I have a problem. :|

I'm certainly hoping that this sudden surge of food cravings and increased appetite is only temporary, or has something to do with that time of the month.

Otherwise, I might not be able to find my waistline very soon!

Anjelah Johnson on Vietnamese Nail Saloons

A friend sent me this video link a while ago, and it's hilarious!

I thought she was absolutely brilliant with her impersonation of the accent and mannerism. I still laugh every time I watch this clip.

Everyone knows how much I love Russell Peters, so it's good to see a female version of the stand up comedian.

Better looking too.

(Sorry, Russell, you know we love you. Haha.)

Her reenactment reminded me of my vague memory about the one experience I had with a Vietnamese nail saloon a long time ago.

Yeap, just one.

Anjelah Johnson was pretty much spot on when she imitates how her manicurist spoke to her colleagues in their native language and laughed among themselves while shooting her the dirty looks.

I'm sorry, I'm Asian too and I'm guilty as charged when it comes to speaking languages other than English in the public sometimes, but doing so while giving someone funny glares through the corner of your eyes is utterly disrespectful.

Especially when you're doing it on your job, during business hours, in front of paying customers.

But it's all good. It was a fun experience.

Different, but fun.

Nothing that you can't laugh it off afterwards.

After you've decided not to go back for a second visit.

Warm(er)

After nearly a full week of gloomy chilly days, the weather took a 180 degrees turn today.

What started off as a cloudy morning turned into a warm summer afternoon just before lunch.

Whilst it isn't exactly fair to say that we were caught by surprise because the weather forecast did predict a warmer start to the weekend, but we skeptical bunch are not to be blamed for having doubts with the dark clouds looming over the sky in the morning.

But hey, that's the beauty of the weather in Melbourne, no?

Where else could you see, on the same street at the same time, some people fully clad in winter wear while others are flaunting singlets and flip flops?

Oh you've gotta love it.

(Or hate it. I guess.)

As for me, I really wouldn't mind the occasional warmer days leading up to summer if it wasn't for the fact that I was wearing my new leather jacket from SABA for the first time today. @.@

Yessiree, yours truly was one of those idiots who decked out in her jacket and scarf today while others happily pranced around in summer dresses and shorts.

*Hides head under pillow*

Plus it was a completely unproductive Saturday.

Not only was I not able to tick of any of the tasks on my to-do list, I didn't even follow through with anything that I set out to do today.

First, I missed the inspection for the apartment in the building next to mine because the real estate agent was late.

Then Wen and I missed the movie that we wanted to watch because we were running late and couldn't find a parking space (damn the crowd in South Yarra on weekends!).

Next, we missed the breakfast serving time (which we only found out after our drinks were served) in this new café we were trying out and ended up having to re-adjourn to St Kilda because we had serious cravings for a full big brekky.

Later on in the day, our shopping plans went down the drain when I found out that the Alannah Hill dress I saw in the window display just the other day is completely sold out in the smaller sizes and Wen realized that the phone she wanted is out of stock. We stumbled across a pleasant book sale on Elizabeth Street, but couldn't find anything we wanted there either.

After failing miserably at our retail therapy session, I suggested to head over to Lindt Café for afternoon tea with sinful chocolates and macarons to cheer us up, but my new shoes were pinching my feet so much that I couldn't walk all the 3 blocks so we settled for our favourite green tea frappuccino instead.

I guess all was not lost since we actually managed to get a table at Starbucks on Swanston Street, which is almost impossible on a weekend like this.

And technically, that's the only thing I've successfully achieved on this bright and warm Saturday in spring. How very productive huh? :|

Oh well. At least it's the weekend, and un-productivity is perfectly excusable.

For now, I'm gonna lie down, put my feet up and enjoy the rest of this first warmer night in a long time.

Later, alligator.

Improving

I had the 20th lesson for my Secret Project Australia today.

So far, I'd say that it's been a pretty good week. All the 3 lessons I've had this week went rather well compared to those in the past.

I really dread saying that I'm improving though, because I'm just SO afraid of jinxing it.

Oh like you wouldn't believe it!

So much so that even when my instructor started giving me "friendlier" comments this week instead of his usual snarky remarks, I'm afraid to acknowledge it because I'm so convinced that it might just be a fluke that I'm suddenly doing better.

I have issues, yes I do.

On a different note, my flu is getting better so I think I'm ready to venture out this weekend for some much needed retail therapy.

I'm still sneezing every 5 seconds in the morning and my nose is still leaking like an open tap, but otherwise I'm good to go.

Watch out, shops, here I come! :p

Now if you'd excuse me, I need to go blow my nose for the Nth time today while sitting next to the heater with a good ol' pot of Earl Grey tea and fresh slices of lemon.

I hope there is still a lemon left in the fridge. Hmmm.

Happy weekend, people.

Confidence

It was the 19th lesson for my Secret Project Australia today.

It went rather well, I'd say.

My instructor seemed to agree. He made more than one comment that I'm really starting to get the hang of it.

I'd love to think so too, except that I'm still feeling highly insecure because I don't understand how or what is it that I'm doing different than before.

How can I continue to improve or even just to maintain what I'm doing when I don't even know what is it that I'm doing right?

Or am I just refusing to believe that I'm actually doing better because I just don't believe that I can?

I do admit that, even after all these lessons, I still don't believe that this is something I'd be able to or want to do on a daily basis like everyone else I know.

Maybe it's because this is something that for as long as I can remember, people, with good protective intentions, have been telling me that I can't do or I shouldn't do.

Maybe it's because those people have always gladly taken over the task so I've never really felt the urgency or necessity for me to do it myself.

Maybe it's because this is something that I never thought I'd be able to do since I have really bad motor-coordination skills and shockingly slow reactions.

And my lack of confidence is indeed the major obstacle in the way that is stopping me from moving forward in mastering this particular skill that at times, almost seems impossible for me.

My fear and lack of confidence is apparent. The instructor noticed it on day one, and it's something that he constantly nags me on.

Everyone has been telling me that confidence is the key to doing it right in this aspect, and each and every one of them started off feeling terrified of it anyway, so I'm no different.

But it's easier said than done, no?

How do I overcome a fear that is so deeply implanted in me?

Is confidence something that comes with time and practice?

Will I feel more confident when I'm actually getting better at it?

Or will I only get better at it when I'm more confident?

Is making the impossible possible the right attitude in life?

Or do we need to acknowledge our limitations at times?

Should I take a deep breath, dive head first into it and think later?

Or should I keep asking myself if I can do this?

And the questions of the day continue.

09.09.09

I had the 18th lesson for my Secret Project Australia in the afternoon.

Instead of his usual sarcastic snide comments, the instructor finally had something good to say today, which is an encouraging development. I guess.

Here's hoping that it wasn't just a fluke, and I'm actually improving.

Oh well, we'll find out soon enough. I have back-to-back lessons for the next 2 days. *Fingers crossed*

The weather in Melbourne has been rather gloomy and cold for the past few days, which has put me in a kinda slow and lazy mood.

But what's new huh? Hehe.

Hey, at least I still have the excuse that I'm recovering from the annoying flu.

And please do excuse my random mumbling today, my nose is leaking like a drippy faucet and my head is all stuffy like it's full of cotton wool.

Anyways.

Bee and I have been married for 1 year, 1 month and 1 day.

So, happy being married to me, sweetie! *Blow kisses*

Off I go to make myself a giant cup of piping hot ginger tea and then maybe stare at the clouds for a little.

Happy oh-nine oh-nine oh-nine, everyone.

The Tales That Really Mattered

I know
It's all wrong
By rights we shouldn't even be here
But we are

It's like in the great stories, Mister Frodo
The ones that really mattered
Full of darkness and danger they were
And sometimes you didn't want to know the end
Because how could the end be happy
How could the world go back to the way it was
When so much bad had happened

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow
Even darkness must pass
A new day will come
And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer
Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something
Even if you were too small to understand why

But I think, Mister Frodo
I do understand
I know now

Folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back
But only they didn't
They kept going
Because they were holding on to something

There is some good in this world, Mister Frodo
And it's worth fighting for!
~ Samwise Gamgee (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)

There are tales that really mattered, stories that are worth telling, and I want ours to be one of them.

Happy 1-year+1-month wedding anniversary.

Rudolph

My skin started breaking out all of a sudden a few days ago.

Maybe it's the sunscreen that I just started using again.

(And that's another whole new story. Trust me.)

As we speak, I have this giant red pimple on my nose that I almost look like Rudolph! Arrrgghhh!

I tried to pop it, yes I did, which only made it worse. :|

I feel like a 15 year-old all over again. Not in a good way.

It really doesn't help that the flu hasn't really gotten better. I woke up today feeling groggy and weak, with dizzy spells like I've just had a really bad cocktail.

Or ten.

(And I haven't, Bee. I swear. :p)

The congestion has taken a slight twist that instead of my nose, my ears are now blocked. Still having runny nose and sneezing every 10 seconds though, which made the red-nose situation even worse. :|

So I guess I'll be laying low for the next few days.

Or at least till this huge pimple on my nose clears up.

Signing out, your friendly neighbourhood reindeer.

Flu

I'm down with a flu.

Which is rather ironic since I haven't had a cold or flu all winter this year, but barely a few days into spring, the virus crept up on me like a freaky ninja in the fog. *Shrugs*

Been coughing and sneezing madly for the past two days. My nose is like a leaking tap, my throat is burning, my ears are blocked, and I'm so congested that my head feels like twice its size at the moment.

I don't care what anyone says, I'm blaming this on the erratic weather of Melbourne.

Sure Melbourne's weather has always been temperamental and we have all made peace with that, but hasn't it just been crazy for the past few days?

It could be all warm and sunny one moment, and boom, thunder and storm the next minute.

Take yesterday for example. It was such a beautiful sunny day when I had this sudden urge to get a manicure in bright hot pink to match the season, but before I could grab my purse and jacket, it started pouring like nobody's business. And the temperature dropped, like at least 10 degrees, without any warning at all.

So today, despite the seeming friendly weather, I'm staying in, with my boring nails *rolls eyes*, to nurse this annoying flu.

Lots of water and vitamin C.

A new box of Kleenex Eucalyptus 'n' Aloe too.

Have a fun weekend on my behalf, kids.

Pretty in Pink by GHD

Facts:

• I'm usually too lazy to style my own hair.
• I'm not a pink-clad Barbie.
• I've sworn off unnecessary beauty purchases everytime I throw out full drawers of unused products.

But the new GHD pink limited edition box set for spring 2009 has pushed all the right buttons for an impulse purchase.

Price at AU$329, the box set includes

• A limited edition pink GHD IV styler

• A heat resistant styler pouch

• A pink hairbrush

• Two GHD sectioning clips

• And a pink tote bag

For limited time only, the price includes free delivery as well!

(Which is a big plus personally given how much I hate paying for shipping.)

And AU$30 from every pink GHD IV styler box set sold in Australia will go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation.

(Same applies to each of these limited edition box set sold in New Zealand, which is priced at NZ$379.)

It's pink, it's for a good cause, and it's GHD, what's there not to like?

*Twiddling thumbs*

Homesick

I'm terribly homesick today.

Or maybe I should say that I'm extra homesick today, since it's not like I haven't been almost everyday for the past few months.

But I was hit by a sudden pang of homesickness last night because Sam was in town on vacation for a few days with her husband and daughter, and they left yesterday.

Seeing her was almost like seeing family. That's the thing about the people you grew up with, I guess.

You feel safe and free to just be who you are without feeling expected to act or behave a certain way, and you can simply talk about anything and everything with each other without worrying about being judged or perceived wrongly.

And that's what we did.

We talked all the way to dinner, through dinner, and back from dinner on Monday night. After sending her husband and daughter upstairs to sleep, we continued to sit in the cafe at the lobby and just talked for hours till the sky was turning bright.

She always has this amazing ability of giving out positive energy and inspiring me to just gather enough courage to march right through my troubles and worries without over-analysing. Seeing how brave she is in tackling life's challenges head on and has since single-handedly turned things around in her life has never failed to motivate me to do the same.

Oh, and I have to mention that she's also one of the very few people, outside my own family, who I speak Foochow with. I guess that's another added bonus for familiarity in foreign land. Haha.

As good as it feels to catch up with childhood friends from home, it's equally hard to say goodbye.

Another thing that I'm never good at.

I went to send them off yesterday afternoon, and I was reminded of why I've always preferred visiting friends back home instead of having them to come visit me in Melbourne.

It's always easier being the one who to leave, than the one who's left behind.

As we hugged to say goodbye, she said, "Let's not look at each other anymore, just turn around and walk away."

Which we did.

I filled in my afternoon by going to my doctor's appointment and running errands, even did a little shopping on the way home to cheer myself up.

And I really thought I was doing so well.

I was so tired that I fell asleep right after dinner last night, only to wake up an hour later feeling that void in my heart.

That longing and aching desire that we call homesickness.

Spring

It's the first day of spring.

The gloominess of winter isn't completely behind us.

But hopes are budding.

Yesterday

I came across these sentences in a book the other day.

"I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. The insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing, they pollute a potentially wonderful day.....The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt.....We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from failures of yesterday."

The words hit me like a ton of brick.

That's exactly my problem.

I'm burdened by the failures of yesterday.

I am so paralysed by what I didn't do or failed to do yesterday that I'm unable to do anything today.

I'm grabbing on so tight to the mistakes and failures of yesterday that I'm failing to see the hope and joy of tomorrow.

For not being able to let go of the past, I'm unable to move forward.

Letting go has always been difficult for me. It's a lesson that I could exhaust my whole life, and still not learn it well.

But as I keep piling on the weight from yesterday on my shoulders, I'm forgetting to live today, I'm failing to see tomorrow.

And I need to stop doing that to myself, or the people around me.

I need to leave the past in the past, and accept them as history.

I don't imagine that I'll be able to learn to do it overnight, but maybe, I can start by putting some, just some, things behind me and try to move on.

Maybe I can try to forgive myself for those failures and mistakes, and allow myself to be happy again.

Maybe, I can choose to live tomorrow, if not today, free from failures of yesterday.

It's the last day of winter here in Melbourne.

Here's hoping that soon, the sun will start shining again where I am.

Rainbow

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Judy Garland

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star and
Wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

I saw a rainbow right outside of my window yesterday.

(Okay, maybe not right outside, but close enough.)

It's been drizzling on and off all morning and afternoon.

By evening, the whole place had become grey and misty.

Like being inside a rain drop.

I was sitting on the bed, with my laptop on my laps and a blanket over my feet.

The weather had reminded me of that rainy Autumn evening last year when Bee and I drove back from the Dandenong Ranges.

It was, too, cold and wet, but our hearts were warm and fuzzy. Like how we always are whenever we are together.

When I looked up again, I saw it.

A shiny rainbow hanging in the faint light of the evening sun.

It wasn't there just a few seconds ago, but there it was.

Like a reflex, I grabbed my camera and ran out, in bare feet, to the balcony attached to my bedroom.

I clicked on the button of the camera so fast that I wasn't thinking, in fear that it was going to disappear as quickly as it appeared.

True enough, it only lasted for a brief moment before the sun fully set and the sky turned dark.

But it was a moment to remind me that when all is grey and miserable, it is still possible to have hope.

It was a moment to remember that maybe, just maybe, dreams do come true and troubles do melt like lemon drops.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Drizzling

I woke up to a drizzling, cold gloomy winter day in Melbourne.

Which, strangely, put me in a rather pleasant mood.

I've always loved staying in during rainy days. It makes me feel safe and protected, like I'm shielded from the harsh weather and even harsher things that are going on in the world outside.

But having been so absorbed in the emotional roller coaster I've been riding, it's been a while since I'm able to stop and learn to appreciate the little things in life.

But this morning, I stopped.

Well, for a brief moment anyway.

I stopped, took a deep breath of the cold fresh air with slight traces of rain, and almost felt like it cleared my head a little.

Maybe it's because I had a(nother) good night sleep.

Maybe it's because the usual annoying intruder on weekends (and weekdays, too) is gone for the next 5 weeks.

Maybe it's because winter is nearly over, and spring is just around the corner.

Maybe it's because most of the side effects had settled down, and my heart is not racing at 120 beats per minute for a change.

Or maybe the roller coaster is just climbing up for a high point before it plunges back down again.

But as I sat down near the window with my raisin toast and English Breakfast tea this morning, I started to notice the little things I have forgotten for a while.

The smell of melted butter on toast. The sensation of cold crisp air brushing against the skin. The sound of leaves ruffling in the wind. The taste of 2 sugars in my tea. The colours of those little birds braving the rain.

I can't quite see the sunshine coming through those dark gloomy clouds yet, but I almost caught a glimpse of the person I once was.

Almost.

Different

So it's the third day.

And I guess I'm beginning to notice some difference.

Or maybe I'm just too eager for the symptoms to improve that I hallucinated the difference. :|

For starter, I actually had a good night sleep with the help of a lower dose of Stilnox, which is definitely an improvement from a few days ago.

The chest pain and palpitations have improved significantly, but my left arm still feels weak and I still get that weird feeling that I'm unable to empty my bladder completely.

Bee fixed the problem with adjusting the brightness of my laptop screen on Ubuntu, so it's dimmer now and hurting my eyes less, but I can't say that my sensitivity to lights have shown much improvement.

And I had the 15th lesson for my Secret Project Australia in the afternoon, which, as usual, left me feeling like a complete failure for not being able to master something so simple that people do on a daily basis.

Oh well.

Despite all that, there is something quite different that I'm feeling today, yet I can't pinpoint what it is.

It feels different, but I can't even tell whether it's good-different, or bad-different.

So much so that it freaked me out a little in the morning.

It's a bizarre feeling.

Am I losing touch with reality that I can't even get a grasp of my own feelings?

Or have I just been miserable for too long that even normal feels foreign to me now?

Indifferent

Is the word that popped up in my head as I pulled up a blank post.

That's probably the closest word I can think of to describe how I feel on this second day of stopping the antidepressant that sent my system haywire.

Not particularly better, but not exactly worse either.

The side effects still linger on today. Some worse than the others, but nothing of significant changes from yesterday.

Despite feeling like a soggy gurney sack, I kept the appointment for my Secret Project Australia in the evening.

It's my 14th lesson today, and I guess the same word can be used to describe my progress since I started the lessons more than a month ago.

Not significantly worse, but not significantly better either.

It's been said that if you're not improving, then you're not exactly moving forward.

But then again, sometimes in life, maybe we should just be glad that we're not going backwards.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself on a Thursday like this.

Migraine

It's my first day to come off the antidepressant.

(Okay, that sounded more severe than it actually is because, afterall, I've only been on it for a week.)

The unpleasant side effects still haven't gone away, which is a little concerning even though it wasn't realistic to expect them to.

The only consolation is probably that the chest pain and palpitations have become a little less intense. I think.

Instead of feeling that someone is constantly throwing heavy punches right where my heart is, it now feels more like someone had punched me 2 days ago and there is a bruise on my left chest. *Shrugs*

But the urination hesitation and insomnia are driving me mental. I keep waking up every few hours into sleep, even with a higher dose of Stilnox than what I normally take.

And as cherry on top of the icing, the sensitivity to lights seems to worsen that now I can't even look at my laptop screen directly and the down lights in my room are hurting my eyes.

(Which consequently led me to discover that Ubuntu doesn't allow you to adjust the brightness of your LCD screen. Well, at least mine doesn't. How stupid. *Rolls eyes*)

Then a headache kicked in.

As I have to take some pain killers and turn off all the lights to lie down in a dark room, as funny as it sounds, I'm actually hoping that I'm having a migraine.

At least that would explain the photophobia, which is really starting to worry me.

At least then I know that if I get through the headache, I won't have to squint at the slightest lights anymore.

At least that would mean that there's nothing seriously wrong with my eyes.

So I guess I'm gonna go lie down now and start wishing that this is, indeed, a migraine.

Oh let it be a migraine!

Great!

Barely a week into the treatment, I have to be taken off the antidepressant because I was experiencing some serious side effects.

Rapid and intense heart palpitations. Urination hesitation. Sensitivity to lights. Myoclonus. Insomnia. Clenching of teeth during sleep. Fatigue. Dizziness. Loss of appetite. Increased sweating. Anxiety. Headache.

You name it, I've got it.

The side effects that I experienced stretch further than the list of adverse effects provided by the manufacturer, and beyond.

Funny thing is, I didn't experience the least bit of the most usual side effect - nausea, but only the really uncommon ones.

Guess there really is something about my body that works differently from normal human beings. :|

I was really hoping that the unwanted effects are something that would eventually settle down when my body has adjusted itself to the medication because I was really counting on it to work, but things got really bad when I started to develop an unusual chest pain and my left arm felt weak.

I think I began to freak out on Monday night when the pain continued to intensify as though someone had thrown a heavy punch right where my heart is, and there was a slight burning sensation in my left chest.

I immediately scheduled an appointment with my GP today, during which we both agreed that it just wasn't the right drug for me since it was doing more harm than good.

So of course, it isn't a wise thing to continue taking it, and it has to be stopped right away.

But since I've taken my morning dose (anyway), I'm still currently having this worrying pain in my left chest, alongside with the other unpleasant side effects.

For now, I can only wait and see if the symptoms subside upon ceasing the medication.

Oh what a joy ride!

Antidepressant

I started my course of antidepressant today.

It's a long and hard road to recovery.

And success is not guaranteed.

But I miss being happy.

I miss being me.

Unwell

I believe I speak for most, or at least some, healthcare professionals that it feels a little odd sometimes when we're on the receiving end of medical care instead of providing it.

It makes you feel like you're not strong or good enough.

And it almost makes you feel like there's something terribly wrong with you because you're so used to being the tough one to care for others instead of needing help.

Or maybe it's just me. The perfectionist in me.

As much as I understand that depression doesn't discriminate and it can happen to almost anyone, there are still times that I can't help but feel like I've failed myself to be in this position.

Like I should know better. Or be tougher, and wiser.

I guess the lesson that I need to learn is to accept that everybody hurts sometimes, and it's completely okay.

I gotta start believing that sometimes, it's okay to be weak, because we can't be strong all the time.

And sometimes, it's okay to admit that we need that extra bit of help when we're unwell.

Most importantly, I need to believe that I will be well again.

Sooner, or later.

Defeated

I had my first appointment in a long long time with a psychologist today.

I no longer know how to handle my emotions that seem to just spiral out of control like a tornado, destroying everything in the path and above all, myself.

The sense of powerlessness and hopelessness that runs through my body day in and day out is wearing me out, eating me away bit by bit without anyone realising it.

For the longest time, I tried to deny it, thinking that I should be tougher than my problems, I should be strong enough to fight it on my own, and I shouldn't be defeated so easily.

I should be able to do this. I should!

But depression is like emotional quicksand. The more you struggle and fight to get out of it, the deeper you sink.

It slowly drains away all energy and hope left in you, including those little things that define who you are as a person, leaving you sinking deeper and deeper with each passing day.

Eventually, you give up fighting, because you don't even have the energy and will power to scream for help anymore.

Everything is an effort, and every effort is just another futile attempt that is gonna leave you feeling even more helpless than before.

So I guess, no matter how unwilling I am to admit it, I am. Defeated.

I simply do not have the ability to be happy anymore.

Gutted!

I was transferring a folder of pictures from the desktop to one of the partitions on my laptop last night when the laptop decided to overheat and shut down by itself.

For some reason, it's been doing a lot of that lately despite the aid of a cooling pad. :|

When I restarted the computer, half of the pictures in that folder were gone and no where to be retrieved!

They were mostly haul pictures I took for the blog over the past few months (trust me when I say that I've been needing LOTS of retail therapy because of the terrible terrible mood I've been in) but never got around to posting them no thanks to my procrastinating nature.

And now, they're gone! I think I lost more than 2GB of pictures? *Sighs*

The worst thing is, I can't remember what were in those pictures given how bad I am at keeping track of my impulse shopping, so I won't be able to re-take them.

Oh well , who am I kidding? Even if I did remember what they were, I don't think I would know where half of those stuff are now either, so..... *Shrugs*

Oh I feel so gutted!

*Bangs head on keyboard*

But I guess I only have myself to blame for procrastinating and um, doing "cut and paste" instead of "copy and paste" on a laptop which has the tendency to overheat and turn off by itself.

I'm such an idiot! Ugh!

Dream

I dreamt of myself last night.

Or rather, the person I once was. Just a few years ago.

Someone who has faith and hope. In things, in people, and in herself.

Someone who is full of life and has the whole world going for her.

Someone who believes that life is a matter of your own choices.

Someone who is strong and doesn't admit defeat easily.

Someone who believes that she can do anything she puts her heart and mind into.

Someone who is young, vibrant, and colourful. Inspiring, even.

Someone who, no matter how bad things get, always manages to see the good in everyone and everything.

Someone who believes.

My fear is, I might never be her again.

The girl who wears flowers in her hair and dances around the field.

The girl who smiles just because she's happy.

I'm afraid I might never be me again.

Happy

When you're battling depression, one thing that you'll learn to do quickly is faking a smile.

It's so much easier to fake being happy than to explain why you're not. And it's just easier on everyone else this way.

Who doesn't prefer to see a smiling face than teary eyes?

After a while, you get so good at faking it that you start to forget how happiness really feels like.

Or when was the last time you were smiling genuinely without feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.

These days, the only time in a day that I could convince myself that happiness is not such an impossible thing is the brief period between after I've taken my Stilnox and before it knocks me out.

It's the only time in a day that I could manage to stop faking, stop worrying, and stop thinking.

Just. Stop.

One Day At A Time

Everyday, I'm one day away from giving up.

Everyday, I tell myself to just try to hang on for another day.

Because that's honestly all I can handle.

One day at a time.

And nothing more.

Do Not Give Up

不要放棄
讚美之泉

當你孤單的時候 不要氣餒
當你在十字路口時 不要徘徊
當你難過的時候 擦乾淚水
當失望的時候 不要放棄 不要放棄！

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
打開心胸吧　神要擴張啦！
張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
大聲宣告吧　神要擴張啦！

張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
打開心胸吧　神要擴張啦！
張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
大聲宣告吧　神要擴張啦！

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

緊緊抓住祂　就會有希望　
所以不要放棄　不要放棄　不要放棄啊！

It was a night when there was no moonlight and no stars.

I tried my hardest, but I just couldn't find a trace of light where I was.

And then I heard this song.

It doesn't mean that all my problems are just gonna go away, it doesn't even mean that I'm gonna start feeling better when I wake up tomorrow, but that moment, that particular moment, I felt that He was talking to me.

He was asking me not to give up.

Black Hole

Battling Mixed Anxiety Depressive Disorder is like free falling in the black hole.

You see no end because you just don't believe you'll ever be normal again, and you see no beginning because you can't remember what it felt like to be normal.

Everyday, you fall a little deeper.

Everyday, you lose a little more of the person you once were.

Everyday, you become more broken than the day before.

There's no light, no hope, and no escape.

And the scariest thing is, there is no bottom too.

So you just keep on falling.

Anxiety Disorder

I've been having anxiety attacks for the past few days that I'm just about ready to give up now.

I just can't take this anymore!

Slump

I feel like I'm in a slump.

I'm so unmotivated and uninspired that I could just scream!

Or maybe I'll just roll over and sleep because I probably wouldn't even be bothered to scream. That's how unmotivated I am. :|

It's been nearly 4 weeks since I got back to Melbourne and the only thing that I've actually done is attending that one lesson for my secret project.

Other than that, I've just been lazing around doing absolutely nothing at all.

I haven't even been seeing or talking to that many people because I simply don't have the energy to conduct a conversation with anyone. Even the effort to get out of bed every morning is unbearably draining.

Ironically, someone told me the other day that she envies my lifestyle and wishes she could take a long break from work like I did.

"Oh, to have a life and to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want!" She exclaimed.

I smiled politely, not knowing how to tell her that the only reason I'm not going back to work just yet is because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I didn't have the words to tell her how terrified and lost I feel, not having a direction in my life but only wandering aimlessly in the dark.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

What may seem like greener pasture from where you are standing, might just be a swampy backwater that with each and every step, one only sinks deeper into the muddy stagnancy.

Here We Go Again Part Deux

So I finally got off my lazy ass and took the first lesson for my "Secret Project Australia".

The 45-minutes lesson was relatively short compared to those intensive 2-hours lessons I had in Malaysia, and it took me more than a week just to get an appointment! @_@

But over here, I'm actually learning the proper ways of doing things, instead of just trying to pass the test not understanding what the heck I'm doing, so I'm glad.

I can't exactly gauge how I feel about it yet, I guess I'll know after a few more lessons.

My instructor is an old man who coincidentally has the same name as my ex-big boss. It's freaky that he even talks and looks like him! They both have this poker face expression that I never know when they're joking and when they're not, which is a little annoying.

Oh well. *Shrugs*

I guess here we go again.

Dream of Fashion World

I've spent too much time watching shows like Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and The Rachel Zoe Project that I think they've gone to my head.

Seeing how brave and determined those talented people strive for their passion almost made me want to pursue my own little dream about having a career in fashion.

Almost, I said. *Smiles*

I acknowledge the fact that I lack the creativity and skills to be a designer, or the height and body to be a model, but I do have a good eye for beautiful things and my own sense of style. So maybe something like a stylist or fashion buyer?

Or I could always take up Bee's offer in opening a small and quaint little boutique of my own.

But of course, I'm also too much of a lazy bum to start from scratch again, and not enough of a risk taker to venture out of my comfort zone to explore a new, to say the least, career path.

So I guess all I'll end up doing about this reignited childish dream of mine is to go shopping for a new dress.

If the closest I can ever come to living in the fashion world is owning a closet full of fabulous dresses and shoes, I guess I can live with that.

*Shrugs*

As long as I also get to buy as many bags as I want.

And there goes my ambitious Thursday.

You know you love me!

XOXO

When Dreams Come True

When God Made You
Newsong
feat Natalie Grant

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
And I will love the ones you love
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

He made the sun He made the moon
To harmonize in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
'Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true

He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Yes he knew everything I would need
When God made you
When dreams come true
He must have been thinking about me

Though there are times that I cannot see clearly, but my heart always knew.

That there is no other one for me.

We may both be imperfect beings, but we are perfect together.

Like how we always think of the same thing at the same time.

Like how we could have fun doing absolutely nothing at all, but just being in each other's company.

Like how we've been playing this silly PB & Jelly alter ego game for the past few days, then I found this video while trying to write this entry, and my heart skipped a beat at 3'05".

Happy 11th wedding monthiversary, poobee.

I love you.

Forever yours,
Jelly

Two Weeks

It's been exactly two weeks since I got back to Melbourne, and I'm not feeling any better.

It just seems to be getting harder and harder each time I do this.

Is that even possible?

Shouldn't things get easier with practice, but not the other way round?

*Sighs*

Anyhoo, I want to thank those of you sweet sweet gals who took the time to email or send me cute e-cards to cheer me up.

I am fine, just seriously homesick and depressed.

("Homesick" and "depressed" really shouldn't be in the same sentence with "fine", but you get what I mean.)

I'm not sure if a whiny spoilt brat like me deserves so much kindness, but I'm grateful. You girls are such a bunch of darlings! *Hugs*

I'm sorry that I've been rather slow in writing back or answering some of the queries you girls have, I just haven't been up for anything lately.

But I promise I will, as soon as I feel better.

Till then, I hope everyone is well. *Smiles*

Favourite word of the day: Whimsical

Thursday Blues

I woke up this morning, and my mood took a sharp turn for the worse.

All I want to do is to go back to sleep.

I want to be strong, I really do.

And I'm trying really hard to be.

But I'm afraid I am just not.

Mondayitis

It's the first Monday since I got back to Melbourne, and I'm already having a bad start to the week.

It all started with a lousy dinner on Sunday night.

Now we all know how crucial a good Sunday night dinner is to help to reduce those Monday blues, don't we?

Or is it just me? *Shrugs*

Last night, against all my better judgements, I allowed myself to walk into Pacific BBQ Cafe on Lonsdale Street (sister of the famous Pacific Seafood BBQ House in Richmond) because I was lured by the crispy skin roast pork displayed in the window and Wen had craving for roast duck.

Maybe I've just been away for too long that I had forgotten all about the kind of crappy service we get in HongKie restaurants around here, but seriously, the customer service was shocking!

First we were asked to share a table, which I hate, even when there were plenty of empty seats around and the place wasn't even full.

While we're on that note, I'd like to mention that Wen and I had concluded that 3 is the best number to dine out in Chinese restaurants (those without a white table cloth and wine glasses) in Melbourne. You will most likely get a table with 4 seats so you will have some personal space without feeling so crammed up like you're gonna knock something or someone over all the time, and you will have some distance from the other tables so you don't have strangers sitting next to you listening in on your entire conversation.

(Oh my God, did that just sound as sad as I think it sounded?)

Anyway, back to my story about my bad Sunday night dinner.

With a little luck, Wen and I actually got a tiny table to ourselves. Before we could sit down and take our coats off, the waitress was ready to take our orders. Not to mention that she insisted on speaking to us in Mandarin without asking if we understood the language even when we placed our order in English.

Okay, fine, I admit I'm being a tad bitchy about this, though I didn't show my displease at the time, because I had a horrible weekend with some really annoying guests in my apartment.

Our food came, my barbecued pork (char siew) and crispy skin roast pork were juicy and succulent, no complaints there. But the moment Wen put down her chopsticks, when she's barely half way through her roast duck noodles, a waiter popped up from nowhere, extended his arm, and wanted to collect her plate! Wtf?!

Every 5 minutes, I swear, the same waiter would appear and ask if we were done with our food. Now this all happened when the restaurant was not full and there were plenty of empty tables around. How rude is that?!

Oh, and we are not slow eaters, in case you're wondering.

Wen and I got so annoyed with him asking every 5 minutes that we simply let the waiter collected our plates when we were not even finished. I figured maybe he was just really eager to do his very important job of sending as many plates back to the kitchen as possible. *Rolls eyes*

After our plates were gone, I took a sip of my Coke with lemon, and the bill came without us asking for it. In under a minute! That's gotta be a world's record or something.

It was just slammed onto our table, without any explanation. And the same waiter started harassing the customers in the next table for their plates.

I understand your need of super fast turnover of tables in order to make as much moolah as possible in one night, but did you really have to be so blunt and abrupt while you're doing it? Would phrases like "please" and "thank you" kill you, really?

And maybe, just maybe, you can relax a little and give your customers a break when the place wasn't even full and there was clearly no line at the door?

Funny thing is, I don't see anyone rushing this Caucasian couple who's been there long before us and were slowly enjoying their meal with a bottle of BYO red wine.

It disgusts me sometimes how us Asians treat our own kind but would go out of our ways to lick the bottom of shoes of someone with a different skin colour.

And then there was this creepy man who kept staring at our table. He wasn't in his uniform, so initially I thought he's a customer waiting for our table, but turned out, he does work there. So maybe he's like the second phase "attack" after the waiter?

He was staring so rudely that I actually stared back at one point because I was that upset! He looked away for a bit, but started staring again soon after, inching closer to our table like an irritating fly.

The horror dining experience ended when Wen and I got bored with this seemingly impossible battle defending a customer's right to their table so they could at least finish their food and drinks that we decided to just leave.

And you'll be proud to know that we didn't tip that night. :|

With a bad weekend and a bad Sunday dinner in my pocket, I woke up this morning only to find that one of the annoying guests whom I've been trying to avoid like the plague is still in my apartment, and shows no intention of leaving anytime soon.

So no, I guess I'm not having that great a Monday.

I certainly hope yours is a better one.

Dancing

"Dancing is...is..is...losing yourself to the music.
It's as if you're not conscious of anything else.
It's as if you become the only one in the room."
~ Ally McBeal (Ally McBeal)

I want to go dancing.

I miss dancing.

I miss loud music and skimpy outfits. I miss doing shots with funky names until I'm completely wasted. I miss standing next to the woofers blasting out bass strong enough to shake the grounds and feeling like each beat is hitting so hard on my heart that my heart is going to stop.

Did I ever tell you that I love trance and techno?

(And yes, the infamous Melbourne Shuffle. Naturally.)

It's the loneliest music in the world.

It makes you feel completely isolated even when you're surrounded by a crazy crowd, as if you are the only person on the dance floor.

Or the whole world.

Even when you're rubbing shoulders with a dozen of sweaty strangers next to you, even when the laser light show is blinding your eyes, even when the club reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, all you have to do is to close your eye, and the room is completely empty.

All the noises are blocked out, including those of your own.

Like the little voice in your head that is always telling you to do the right things or act the right way, like the voices of people and yourself asking you what are you planning to do with your life, like the questions you have been asking yourself ten thousand times a day and still don't have an answer for.

All of a sudden, the world is on a standstill, and there is nothing else left besides the music.

Only you, the loud bass, and your heartbeats.

It's defeating silence. It's complete solitary. It's absolute freedom.

It's liberating.

So yes, I miss dancing.

And I miss being young.

Bleeding

There are several wounds on my body that are healing.

One in my heart that is never going to.

And last night, you just added another one.

Right where it hurts the most.

Lost Again

"Have you ever felt like there is no solace in anything, like, wherever you turn, you're just lost?"
~ Felicity Porter (Felicity)

That's exactly how I felt when I was back in Melbourne the previous time.

Every. Single. Day.

Then I decided to hop on a plane back to Malaysia for a break.

To breath, and reboot. As I called it.

It was an incredible 5 weeks. I stopped crying, and learned to laugh again.

Being with him made me feel safe.

In the bigger picture of life, I was still lost. I still didn't know what my next step is, I still couldn't figure out a clear direction that I should be heading towards, I still didn't know what the heck I'm going to do with myself.

But even so, I felt safe. In his arms.

I came back to Melbourne 5 weeks later with a much lighter luggage, but a little more courage and optimism.

I knew that I still didn't have things all figured out, but I felt a little braver this time round.

I was prepared to give it another go, believing that even if that doesn't go well, I was prepared to be more forgiving on myself.

Until I woke up this morning, good feelings are gone.

And the same feeling is back.

I am lost.

Once again.

Not Another Smile

I had dinner with Wen in Lygon.

I picked the restaurant. Lygon Street is one of my favourite parts of Melbourne, and tonight, I desperately needed to be reminded of why I once loved the city so much.

Dinner was great. I ordered my favourite pasta, she had her usual risotto. We chatted, we laughed, and we filled each other in with things that's been happening in our lives.

As usual, I felt the need to put up a brave face and a smile. I spoke of my time off as if it was a getaway in Bahamas, I told one of the sad stories that broke my heart like I was telling a joke I heard from someone else.

Maybe it's just the Aries in me.

Maybe I just never got over those two powerful lines that I read in a poem as a teen - "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.".

I have welcome-back dinners lined up every day this week. Italian with Wen tonight, Greek with Cathy tomorrow, Shanghainese dumplings with Dorothy and her boyfriend the day after.

But all I want to do is to stay in bed and cover my face with a blanket so my tears can flow freely.

I just don't have the energy to fake another smile.

Sleep

I spent my first day back in Melbourne drifting in and out of sleep.

I'm not tired or jet-lagged. Sleeping is just one of my ways trying to escape from reality.

I know I've done this a thousand times before and I should be used to it by now, but I am not.

I know how people are going to tell me that it's gonna get better with time so just try to be strong for now, but at the moment, I really can't see how this is gonna get any easier.

Can someone actually die from loneliness?

You know what? Don't answer that.

I'm going back to sleep.

Decision

I made a decision yesterday.

I don't know whether it was the right thing to do.

The fact is, I might never know.

Having to make that decision broke my heart. A small part of me died with it.

My heart aches so badly that it might never be able to heal completely.

I guess my only consolation comes from knowing that we are going through this together.

That I have you by my side, and I am not alone.

Did you realise that it was the first major decision we've had to make as a couple?

It's just sad that it had to be under such difficult and unfortunate circumstances.

A line from an old TV series brought me a little comfort during a particularly sad moment the other day:

"Sometimes in a relationship, going through hell isn't so bad if you come out of it a little stronger."
~ Sally (Felicity)

You know, for the longest time, it feels like our lives have been clouded over by a gloomy haze that is almost impossible to to see through.

It's daunting, depressing, and discouraging.

I don't know how or when this phase of our lives is going to clear up and we will be on the way up again.

I can only hope that when we do, we will come out of it stronger, and closer than ever.

And this would have been worth it.

Goodnight, My Someone

Goodnight, My Someone
Kristin Chenoweth
(The Music Man)

Goodnight, my someone
Goodnight, my love
Sleep tight, my someone
Sleep tight, my love
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight

Sweet dreams be yours, dear
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight

True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are

Sweet dreams be yours, dear
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
Goodnight
Goodnight

Such Is Life

Just when I thought my biggest worry now is about returning to Melbourne next Tuesday or the healing of my dental wounds, I'm faced with a decision that is almost impossible for me to make.

One that is made even harder by knowing that no matter which way I go, life will never be the same again.

I don't know how to. I can't. I don't want to.

But I have to.

C'est la vie!

It Never Gets Easier

As I turn on my laptop and pull up a new blank post on blogger, it suddenly dawns on me that I'm actually leaving next Tuesday.

Which is exactly a week from today.

I thought it would be easier to leave this time. I really did.

After all, this was only meant to be a short trip from the very first beginning.

It was never meant to be anything else but a quick break for me to clear my head and gather my thoughts.

Or maybe I should say, to breathe, and reboot.

But why is it that I think of leaving and the air caught in my chest? Why is it that I'm not the least bit excited about escaping this scorching weather?

Maybe, it doesn't matter what you tell yourself, it doesn't matter how well you've prepared your heart, it just never gets easier to leave.

Never.