Be Careful What Your Heart Wishes For

'Cause they might just come true.

You know how every girl secretly wishes that we could do nothing but just stay in bed and binge on ice-cream and cakes all day, guilt-free?

Well, guess what? All you have to do is to have your wisdom teeth removed and, voila!

All of a sudden, you no longer have to feel bad about eating too much ice-cream because it's rightfully prescribed by the doctor.

Even the person who normally nags you endlessly about eating a healthy diet *hints hints* will now have to zip da lips because you're simply following doctor's orders. How cool is that? Haha.

And because your face literally look like one, you have every right to just laze around and be a couch potato. *Points at self - Miss Potatohead*

Tempted yet?

Just give your dentist a call and book in that appointment, darlings.

*Evil laughs*

Anyhoo, since I was bored out of my mind, I decided to show you what's on the menu for me today.

I had fat-free yoghurt and a huge cup of fresh fruit juice this morning. It's prolly the healthiest breakfast I've had in a long long time.

This butter cake is so fine and smooth that it literally melts in your mouth, which is perfect for me since it requires minimal chewing. Haha.

Bee got me this frozen mille crêpe thingy to cheer me up on Saturday, after he commented that my face looked like a papaya. :|

They don't look too impressive in pictures, kinda like mouldy cakes? (I know, eww!)

But it actually tastes pretty decent, much like frozen ice-cream cakes.

Speaking of which, time for ice cream!

I never knew that Bud's Ice Cream of San Francisco is manufactured in Thailand, did you?

Their Cookies and Cream failed to impress though, nothing to shout about.

Ben & Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup, on the other hand, is in a totally different league.

This picture doesn't do it justice at all, there are huge chunks of chocolate and nuts hidden underneath. Yum!

(Once again, it'd probably help if I could actually chew? *Rolls eyes*)

Friends' been telling me that most of them lost weight while recovering from their wisdom teeth extraction. With a diet like this, I really don't see how that's going to happen to me.

In fact, I see a higher chance of me packing on some extra pounds at the end of this ordeal. @_@

And now, I really really want a big plate of hot-off-the-wok char kuey teow!

Have I Told You Lately

Have I Told You Lately
Rod Stewart

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do

For the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter
And somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And its yours and its mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do

Some 65 months ago, all my childhood dreams came true when you told me that you love me.

Those dreams about meeting the perfect guy and he loves you too, those dreams that we were told to tuck away because they only happen in fairytales.

I smiled, and pretended that I wasn't the least bit surprised, but I was sure the sparkles in my eyes gave me away. All the sound faded away, for in that moment, my heart sang a song that was never heard before.

65 months later, I still can't believe that I've found my Prince Charming and he loves me back.

Sometimes I look at you from across the room, and I couldn't help but feel thankful for how lucky I am. My heart flutters a little, like a teenager newly in love; I sighed with much contentment and disbelief, like what I did after our first date.

And that's how I still love you, like the day we met.

Happy 65-month anniversary.

Miss Pumpkinface

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is your captain, Miss Pumpkinface speaking.

Yeap yeap, that's me, Miss My-Face-Looks-Like-A-Butternut-Pumpkin!

As you can see, it's only the 3rd day into my so called recuperation from my wisdom teeth extraction, and I'm already losing my marbles. :|

I woke up this morning and, literally, couldn't remember what day it is. I think I've been couped up at home for too long that I'm losing touch with the outside world. :(

I got real bored later on that I decided to tag along when Bee went for one of his many ice-cream runs for me at Village Grocer. I hid in the car (in the underground car park) the entire time though, very Phantom-like behaviour. Haha.

I guess the only thing worse than not being able to go anywhere because I'm Miss Potatohead *rolls eyes*, is not being able to eat normal food.

I'm currently on a soft diet. Even though the right side of my mouth seems to be doing better than the left, I still can't chew on solid food because the area around the wounds still feel pretty tender and I'm terrified of doing anything that might aggravate it.

For the past 2 days, I've been feeding on really watery porridge, ice-cream, fruit puree and soft cakes, which doesn't sound too bad. But this is day three of the same food, and I'm starting to go out of my mind.

Somebody gets me a big fat juicy burger! NOW!!

Don't Call Me Pumpkin

The good news is, I no longer look like a chipmunk storing nuts in my cheeks.

The bad news is, I woke up today with my face looking like a butternut pumpkin!! *Cries*

Worse yet, a loop-sided butternut pumpkin!! *Wails*

One side of my cheeks is much swollen than the other. The ironic thing is, it's the left side, which had a fairly straightforward extraction, that is doing worse than the right side, of which the wisdom tooth had a crooked root and required a much more extensive surgery to remove it.

Bee called the clinic to check if it's normal and the nurse assured him that there is nothing to be worried about.

Since then, he's been constantly mocking me, either by imitating my puffy cheeks or asking me, "Are you sure you're not chewing on something now?"

So much for showering his vulnerable wife with lots of TLC huh? *Rolls eyes*

I've tried my best to avoid looking at my reflection in the mirror. It kinda looks like I've gained 10 pounds on my left cheek alone, or I stuffed a golf ball in my mouth. Or rather, a tennis ball.

If it's Halloween season, I can probably go out in the public and scare small children. :|

From now on, let's just say that I'll never feel the same anymore when someone calls me pumpkin.

A Little Less Wisdom

I had both of my lower wisdom teeth extracted today.

It's such a traumatising and tormenting experience that I'd never wanna go through again!

Thank God for the two tablets of midazolam I was given before the procedure and my very cute dentist, a gentle old man who looks like Geppetto sans the white moustage. Without either of them, I seriously doubt I'll be able to pull through the whole hour of agony in that horrifying dental chair.

But of course, Bee, as usual, has been my strongest fortress through this ordeal. It made a whole world of difference knowing that he was sitting in the reception area, waiting to take me home and pamper me like a spoiled child.

Pain during the actual extraction was minimal. My very sweet dentist did a really good job to make sure that I was as comfortable as possible, and to my surprise, I really was.

Apart from feeling a little disturbed by the amount of force that had to be applied to remove the teeth and the terrifying sound of the driller cutting my teeth, I experienced minimal pain and discomfort. The worst pain probably came from the multiple jabs of local anaesthetic into my gum in preparation for the extraction.

Other than that, I guess the whole process was more emotionally straining rather than physically due to the unexplainable fear for dentists and their sharp tools that seems to be embedded in all of us by default.

Towards the end of the procedure, I started dozing off and talking gibberish because the two tablets of sedative had kicked in with full force. I have no recollection what-so-ever of how I left the clinic and got home.

Bee said I actually accused him of kidnapping me in the elevator. Haha. Imagine what other crazy things I might have said to my dentist prior to that! @_@

I woke up 3-4 hours later, in the comfort of our bed, with swollen cheeks and a nagging pain. It's actually not so much of a pain rather than this annoying discomfort of constant pressure against my gums and jaw, which is suffice to prohibit me from opening my mouth fully or eating/speaking normally.

Both of my cheeks are so puffy now that Bee said I look like a chipmunk hiding a hazelnut in both sides of my mouth. *Wails*

At this stage, I guess it's safe to assume that you will be seeing a lot of me for the next few days since I ain't leaving the house looking like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks!

So this is me signing out, yours chubby-cheeks truly minus a little wisdom that she could seriously do without.

Goodnight, peeps!

Love At First Whiff - Chloé EDP

I wasn't sure if it was love, but it was definitely lust at first whiff.

A strong and passionate lust that is so intense that you've just got to have it.

Yes, people, I'm talking about my new found scent - Chloé EDP.

I was walking through the mall as usual when a promoter handed me a testing strip.

One whiff, and my heart instantly knew.

First introduced by Chloé in 2008, this eponymous perfume has been described as a scent to capture the creative, confident individuality of a free spirited woman with an utterly innate sense of chic and natural sexiness.

The noses behind this fragrance are Amandine Marie and Michel Almairac, who are responsible in creating a genius combination of floral powdery notes of roses, vibrant hints of peony and lychee, a subtle blend of warm amber and elegant cedarwood, delicate magnolia and lily of the valley, and the embellishment of fresh green freesia.

This eau de parfum manages to pull off the perfect balance between elegantly girly and playful edginess without being overly feminine or powdery.

It's the perfect perfume for those of us who are "not a girl, not yet a woman". *Winks*

I absolutely love the translucent and fresh, maybe even slightly flirtatious, airy head notes, which drift away becoming richer and more sensual, much like the velvety interior of roses, slowly unveiling the base notes of warm amber, honey, and elegant cedarwood to create a smooth and comforting finish.

If I needed to sum the fragrance up in one sentence, it's like smelling fresh roses and wet grass on a cold and crisp spring morning.

Another thing to love about this perfume is the super pretty bottle, a girly design which is sure to melt hearts.

The ornamental square glass bottle was inspired by the pleated sleeves on a Chloé blouse. The fluted glass and silver plated collar give just the right amount of romantic and vintage frills perfected by the finishing touch of a hand-tied ribbon.

The classic bottle carries a quiet charm, or even, a nostalgic and poetic atmosphere. It very much reminded us of the type of bottles that we used to see on mum's vanity table, only with a modern twist.

Very pearl necklace, twinsets, and ballet shoes.

I know winter has barely begun in Melbourne, but I think I'm ready for spring.

I'm in love.

Melting Point

It's been so hot in KL that I think I've reached my melting point.

I'm constantly sweating like an ice cube next to a blowtorch, even when I tried to keep my movements to minimal.

It's just so FREAKING hot!!

I jokingly told Bee that if he wakes up one day and find that only my pajamas is left on the spot I usually sleep on, it could only mean that I've completely melted into the mattress.

And I provided him with full instructions how to revive me should that happen. If he so desires, of course. Haha.

Now I'm gonna share this information with you guys in hope that should this ever happen to someone you know, you would already know exactly what to do. Because in this ridiculous weather, you just never know. *Shrugs*

The procedure to resuscitate is fairly straightforward - simply squeeze out as much as you could from the mattress into a bucket, and stick the bucket into the fridge for an hour or so to cool the person down. Full recovery is highly possible, with the likely bonus of losing a few pounds in the process. *Winks*

Yes, I'm talking gibberish here. This crazy heat has really done my head in!

Now if you'd excuse me, I need to go stick my head into the fridge for a while.

Toddles!

The End, The Beginning

A week after the final test for my secret project, I still find it difficult to believe that I actually passed.

So did the people around me.

I broke the exciting news to mum when she got back from her shopping trip in Singapore with dad, and she couldn't believe it!

For someone who has always believed that I could do anything I put my mind to, even at times when I didn't believe in myself, to be surprised that I passed the test on first attempt, that says something about how bad my body coordination is huh? Haha.

Some of you have been really curious about what this project is all about, believe me when I say that I had no intentions to be so secretive about it. It's just that I hate to not deliver what I said I would when I set out to do something, so I'd rather not say anything until I've actually done it.

I'm gonna reveal what it is in due time, I promise, but not now. For the simple reason that the project is, as a matter of fact, not completed just yet.

Passing the test marks the end of the course I signed up for in Malaysia, but it is also the starting line for the next phase of this project that is to be carried out when I'm back in Melbourne.

Like everything else in life, the end of a phase, simply marks the beginning of another.

So do bear with me for now, and wish me luck as I muddle my way into the second part of my secret project, I'll sure be needing lots of it.

Till then.

Midpoint Updates

It's been 2.5 weeks since I flew (or rather, fled) back to KL.

Which also means that I'm half way through my little escape from reality. *Inserts sad face*

Things have been great so far.

More than great, actually.

I'm taking things slow, not doing much except attending classes for my secret project twice weekly and occasionally trying to cook up an edible meal for Bee without causing too much chaos in the kitchen.

Yeap, you heard it right, yours truly has actually been trying to cook. Trying being the keyword. Hehe.

On most days, shopping is still the most important agenda on my daily to-do list, but I've learned to keep it under control. Eeeee....xcept the few times that I went a little out of control, hmmmm... *Scratches chin*

Other than that, Bee and I have been spending lots of quality time together. Like I've said when replying one of the comments, I guess the few weeks being apart has taught us to treasure our time together even more.

So yes, for those of you who asked, I am happy.

And I'm glad that I hit "enter".

Nescafe Moments

It was a lazy rainy afternoon.

A pot of beef soup was sitting on the stove and quietly simmering away, filling the house with a rush of fragrant vapour.

Nothing comforts the soul more on a rainy day than a big bowl of old fashioned homey stew or soup.

My half drank cup of tea was left on the table, slowly growing cold to the soft humming sound of air-conditioner in the background.

I stood in front of the windows of our kitchen, listening to the pelting rain and faint claps of thunder while greedily sniffing the air for the wonderful aromas of hearty homemade soup.

Then my husband sneaked behind me and put his arms around me, rubbing his unshaved stubble against my face.

"Missed me?" He whispered.

I smiled at him, and he smiled back.

With the little sparkles in our eyes that we once promised to never forget.

And that's our very own "Nescafe moment".

I Did It!!!

I did it I did it I DID IT!!

I don't know how, but I did it!

I sat for the final test for my secret project today, and I passed!!

*Throws fist in air excitedly*

In more ways than one, I don't feel deserving of passing, but I sure am glad that it's over.

Oh my God, I still can't believe that I passed!

Quick, someone slap me now!!

Toast to Brighten Up A Saturday Morning

My instructor offered to move all my classes to early in the morning after seeing me sweating like a little piglet during my previous lesson.

I guess my low threshold of heat is obvious without me having to say anything. :|

My classes now start at 6.30am, before the sun even comes up, and finish by 8.30am.

I just had another 2-hour session this morning, and if I were to sum it up in a sentence, it would be - I suck!

I'm serious. I have no motor coordination skills what-so-ever, and boy does it show!

I felt like a complete retard the whole time. How could something so easy to others seem almost impossible for me to master?

The only thing that I looked forward to all morning was for Bee to come pick me up for breakfast.

On that note, I have to mention that Kopitiam 1950 in SS2 serves the most devilish roti bakar (Malaysian-style toast). It comes with half a centimeter thick of butter!

Sinful, yes, but oh-so-good! Truly befitting of a glutton like yours truly. Hehe.

(I'll be sure to take a picture of it next time, IF I remember.)

Bee disapproves of it, but I guess he didn't have the heart to say no to me seeing how I looked like the air has been let out of my balloon after the lesson.

So for now, I get to have the fat-loaded toast with teh tarik (Malaysian-style milk tea) to compensate for the stressful morning I've just had.

Till the next time.

Baking in KL

It's scorching hot in KL like you wouldn't believe it!

I should have known something is wrong when even Bee was complaining about the hot weather. The man needs a sweater during those early days of autumn in Melbourne when I'm still trotting around in my summer dresses.

Or when the stewardess announced that the temperature outside was 35°C as our plane landed at dawn.

35 degrees before 7 o'clock in the morning? That's madness!

It's one thing about trying to tolerate the hot and humid tropical weather I so passionately hate, another to be baking like a Thanksgiving turkey in this crazy heat.

Even with the air-conditioners blasting at full speed 24/7, it still feels like someone had turned on the giant oven and forgot to switch it off.

The best things to offer temporary relief in this ridiculous weather?

Chilled fresh watermelon juice (ice-blended!), flip flops, and the pool!

What are yours?

Somone to Share Your Day With

It still feels unreal that I'm back in KL again.

All of a sudden, I have someone to wake up next to, someone to plan the day with, and someone to hold my hand wherever we go.

It's as if I had never left, and the past a month and a half didn't happen at all.

It's been said that a happiness shared is a happiness doubled, and a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.

I guess I never really understood that until now.

Here We Go Again

I had a choice,
I could sling off the runway and let my inner model die of shame,
or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish.
And that’s just what I did.
Because when real people fall down in life,
they get right back up and keep on walking.
~ Carried Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Today, I resumed lessons for my secret project.

After being royally screwed over by some incompetent imbecile, this little project of mine was forced to be terminated before I left for Melbourne.

What started off as something to kick-start my positive outlook for year 2009, ended up breaking my spirit even more. :|

I'm trying hard to love my home country, I really am. Just give me a reason to make it easier.

On some days, I'm fresh out of things to be thankful for being a Malaysian. It's pathetic how a person could feel so much like a stranger in her own country.

Anyhoo, back to what I was saying.

In my desperate attempt to justify my running back to KL like a cry baby this time round, I decided to pick up where I left off.

I had my first 2-hour lesson today, and another one scheduled for Saturday.

I still don't know how it's all gonna turn out and whether I'll successfully go through the whole process this time, but at the very least, I could try.

And I need to try, if I ever want to regain the strength to fix my broken spirit. If I ever want to believe that I can do anything as long as I put my mind to it.

I have to make me believe in myself again.

I have to.

So here we go again.

Like I Never Left

He was waiting at the arrival gate unusually early despite his habit of showing up late; I felt unusually refreshed after the 8-hour flight despite a sore back.

He held my hand tightly as usual while driving us home from the airport; I was blabbing away as usual about my flight and the annoying woman I met at the baggage claim area.

We headed straight home to take a nap like we always do.

He carried my suitcases into the spare room I use as my changing room; I couldn't wait to jump into the shower and wash away the stickiness on my skin.

We slept on our side of the bed. Him on the right, me on the left.

He kissed my hair and whispered softly, "Welcome home, baby!"; I buried my face in his shoulder and slept the best I had in a long time.

And just like that, I was home again.

Like I had never left.

Leaving Autumn in Melbourne

I'm leaving for the airport in an hour's time but I'm only beginning to pack now.

All in the grand tradition of procrastinating! :P

My day was spent running some last-minute errands, picking up a few things that I've ordered for Bee from a friend's shop, and having a long lunch (which eventually turned into afternoon tea) with an ex-colleague and her new baby.

It's funny how I've been doing going-away lunches and dinners with friends over the past few days when I haven't even finished my round of welcome-back dinners with all of them.

People's been asking why am I going away again so soon after I came back to Melbourne.

I shrugged and smiled, "Why not?"

There really isn't a way to make me seem less of a spoilt brat than what I already am, so I guess it's all I could do to not seem like a victim too.

Sometimes, it's easier to be perceived as irresponsible than weak, just like how it's easier to drop out than to admit defeat.

I'll be back in 5 weeks (hopefully), and we can start doing a new round of welcome-back dinners.

Till then.

Cupcake Weekend

A quiet Sunday afternoon.

A pot of brewing tea with thin slices of lemon.

A box of cupcakes with lovely pastel colours.

The only thing that's missing from a perfect weekend is you to hold my hand.

So I saved two little cupcakes for us.

The one with the pink flower for me, like the colour of roses on our first Valentine's Day.

The one with the blue flower for you, like the shirt you wore when we said "I do!".

Two sleeps till I see you again.

When Life Gets You Down

"The best we can do, is breathe and reboot.
And when that fails, a zip drive can provide a surprising amount of comfort.
So can a boyfriend.....if you can learn to let him."
~ Carried Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

I hesitated as I placed my finger on the "enter" key.

I asked myself, am I running away?

Am I just a spoilt little brat who runs home crying whenever things don't go my way? Am I admitting defeat even before putting up a fight? Am I giving up too easily because I couldn't even bother to try a little harder?

And then I thought to myself, what would others think?

Would they think that I'm running away from my problems? Would they think less of me since I was once regarded as a tough little cookie? Would they think that I no longer have what it takes to handle a difficult situation?

Then I hit "enter".

Not because I have all the answers, but because I don't.

Hopping on a plane isn't going to solve the problems at hand, but just because my life is not what everyone, including myself, expects it to be at the moment, doesn't mean I should stop living it.

We might never know what is the right thing to do, right path to take, or the right way to live our lives. It's all we could do to pick one to the best of our knowledge, or sometimes, our hunch.

Because the truth is, we're all just figuring out this giant puzzle we've been given.

And this is my attempt to breath, and reboot.

Hopping On A Plane

I've just booked my ticket.

I'm going back to KL for a short break.

It was a rash decision. I followed my heart, but not my head.

My head thinks I shouldn't run away; my heart thinks that I need a breather.

Most importantly, my heart needs to be where it belongs.

Right next to you.

Lost

I wake up everyday feeling lost.

The same questions ring in my head the moment I open my eyes every morning.

Over and over again.

What is it that I'm doing with my life? Where am I heading? What is the point of waking up everyday?

For as long as I can remember, my life resembles an endless transition phase.

I'm always running between two places, between what I really want and the "greater good", between me and you.

But it never really went anywhere. I was just running in circles, holding on to all the pathetic make-beliefs.

Along the way, I've lost sight of the finish line. I've lost faith in believing that good things come to those who wait. I've lost hope that as long as I persevere, things will be different.

Most importantly, I've lost myself.

It's easy to keep running when you have a destination in mind. Not so easy when you're only running blindly in the dark without any trace of light at the end of the road.

I'm finally tired. I can't run anymore.

I just can't.

I've lost everything that I am, and now I'm just lost.

Home Again

Home Again
Carole King

Sometimes I wonder
If I'm ever gonna make it home again
It's so far and out of sight

I really need someone to talk to
And nobody else
Knows how to comfort me tonight

Snow is cold, rain is wet
Chills my soul right to the marrow

I won't be happy till I see you alone again
Till I'm home again and feeling right

Snow is cold, rain is wet
Chills my soul right to the marrow

I won't be happy till I see you alone again
Till I'm home again and feeling right

Till I'm home again and feeling right
I wanna be home again and feeling right

I want to go home.

But I don't know where home is.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I had a girls day out with Wen and Wan at Shoppingtown Doncaster.

It was almost impossible to find a parking space since it's Mother's Day Eve and the whole Melbourne is out shopping for presents. Wen and I spent 2 1/2 hours (!) circling the car park before we eventually found a spot across the road.

By the time we finished lunch at TGI Fridays with Wan, it was nearly 5pm and all the shops had started pulling down their shutter doors. I suddenly started missing Malaysia, if not for anything else, at least the long opening hours of shopping mall.

Lunch was heaps of fun. We had so much to catch up and debrief each other that we barely had time for air or food! I guess that's what happens when you put 3 chatty girls at the same table huh?

Since our shopping plans were down the drain, we adjourned to Glen Waverley for Wolverine and coffee.

The movie was great and definitely enjoyable. What else is there to say about a show with Hugh Jackman walking around topless for half of the time huh? That's one sexy Aussie!

Having said that, I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed by the details of the storyline and emotional investment of the characters. Or rather, the lack of them.

Too much loose ends and inconsistencies, but not enough character development. It tells the story of our favourite mutant's past before his X-men days, though in a rather uninspiring way that lacks omph. Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber are two great performers, but they weren't really given a lot to play with, except constantly beating each other up in the many pointless fight scenes.

Then again, I'm probably overly-critical since I stepped into the cinema with high expectations, which is never a good thing. *Shrugs*

The ending, however, was surprisingly good. It was heart-wrenching when Wolverine looked at Silverfox yet couldn't remember her as the woman he once so deeply loved.

All in all, it was an entertaining movie that's definitely worth 2 hours of your precious weekend. Especially if you're a big fan of Hugh Jackman like yours truly.

Lesson of the day: Leave your high expectations at home when you go to the movies, and you might just be pleasantly surprised.

Prentending

I've had appointments scheduled for everyday this week.

Errands to run. Bills to pay. People to see.

Despite my struggle to get out of bed every morning, I kept every single one of those appointments.

I suppressed whatever it is that I was really feeling on the inside, got dressed, put on my makeup, and most importantly, a smile.

People like to see a smiling face.

When they ask how you are, they expect you to tell them that you're doing fine. Better yet, great.

So that's what I'm going to give them. A smile on my face.

Bubbly, even.

I may have to constantly take deep breaths and remind myself not to let the tears fall, but I feel compelled to keep pretending.

And that's what I do all day long. Pretending to be happy. Pretending to be strong. Pretending to be fine.

It's exhausting.

But maybe if I do it for long enough, I might actually start to believe it myself.

That I'm doing just fine.

100 Tears Away

100 Tears Away
Vonda Shepard

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give in to the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so many choices

You're a long way from some place you feel safe
Peace of mine comes from just one place

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

My hands started shaking as I was putting on my eyeliner, and tears started rolling down my cheeks.

For no apparent reason at all.

Maybe it was the song that was playing in the background, maybe it was the gloomy weather in Melbourne today. But really, it's just one of my ordinary days nowadays.

One of my ordinary days battling depression.

The truth is, I'm getting rather used to crying. And sadistic as it sounds, on some days, I'm actually beginning to enjoy it.

At the very least, it's an outlet. It takes away some of the burden that's been weighing down on my heart. Even if it's just for a very brief moment.

So I wiped away the tears, re-applied my blush, put up a smile on my face, and headed out for my interview in the afternoon.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.

And it's all that I can do to hold my head high, so no one else sees my tears when I cry.

Be Strong

I couldn't get out of bed this morning.

The air was caught in my chest and I couldn't breath; the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't run.

I reached out my hands into the air for help, but there was nothing for me to grab on. The empty room was just staring back at me. Coldly. Silently.

I curled up in bed, holding my knees as close to my body as possible. I could feel the trembling in my hands and the tears on my cheeks. But the thoughts, they wouldn't stop.

The anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the pain, and more than anything, the hopelessness.

All the things that I couldn't do. All the things that I couldn't say. All the things I couldn't make anyone understand.

Out of desperation, I turned to my nightstand, looking for my sleeping pills. It's the only thing that quiets down my mind, the only thing that gives me relief.

Then I saw the bible that I haven't touched for a long long time. I opened it, and a bookmark fell out.

Be strong to hope, O heart of mine!
Look not on life's dark side;
For just beyond these gloomy hours
Rich, radiant days abide.
Let hope, like summer's rainbow
bright,
Scatter thy falling tears;
And let God's special promises
Dispel all anxious fears.
To every grief a Lethe comes,
For every toil a rest;
So hope, so love, so patient bear -
God doeth all things best.

It was given to me 2 years ago by a friend, when she first learned of the predicament I was in.

Two years later, she's left Melbourne, and I'm back at the same place I was in.

Only this time, I'm no longer hopeful.

Two Steps Back

And I actually believed that things are looking up.

I feel like such an idiot.

One Step Forward

Things finally progressed a little today, right after I whinged about them being stagnant.

For starters, I called my accountant in the morning and inquired (in a very diplomatic way, might I add) about why I was overcharged.

(Yes, for once, yours truly actually summoned enough courage to thicken her facial skin and speak up for herself.)

The accountant paused for a very brief second before quickly responding and proceeded to explain that it was most likely due to a discount code that he must have forgotten to key in when he printed out my invoice. He immediately issued a new invoice on the spot, and it's on its way to me as we speak.

I didn't bother to analyse whether he was being truthful or it was just an excuse to cover up his dirty antics, I'm just glad that I went through with the phone call and stood up for myself.

*Self pats on the back*

I had an interview in the afternoon, which was scheduled at the very last minute. It turned out to be a complete waste of time as the position wasn't what I had expected it to be, so I'll most likely turn it down (yes, again) if I do receive a job offer.

But I did so badly at the interview that I might not even have to struggle with saying "no" afterall. Haha.

Last but not least, yours truly is actually blogging via her own internet connection tonight.

Yeap, after spending many hours on the phone harassing my personal computer geek, aka Bee, my broadband is finally working! And I finally feel connected to the rest of the world. *Grins*

Turned out, the problem wasn't with the connection, but a bad modem. *Rolls eyes*

Oh well, at least some things got done today huh? :)

Stagnant

It's been exactly 4 weeks since I got back to Melbourne, and things have been.....well, stagnant.

Everything seems to be on a standstill. Everyday is the same as the day before.

Nothing gets better, nothing moves forward. On some days, I actually think I should just be glad if things don't go backwards or become worse.

On that note, I'd like to mention that I still don't have my own internet connection yet, no thanks to my stupid ISP and the so called "technical difficulties". They sure didn't have any difficulties in charging my credit card for a service that I have yet to receive though. The payment has gone through for more than 2 weeks now but nope, still no signal on my modem. :|

And I'm still terribly homesick. It seems to be almost impossible to shake it off this time.

You know the feeling you get when you wake up on a particularly gloomy day to realise that everyone else is moving on with their lives but yours is still the same as the day before?

Well, let me tell you, it sucks! Big time.

The truth is, I think I'm actually afraid of moving forward. I am.

Over the past year or so, I've allowed myself to retreat into a shell, and I've allowed others to convince me that I have no rights to pursue my own happiness or to live my life the way I truly want to.

And now I'm back at the crossroad, not sure what I want or which way I want to go.

I'm just lost.

How did I end up here?

Overcharged

The paperwork for my tax return arrived in my mailbox yesterday, alongside with the bill for consultation fees.

I was just about to sign the documents and send out a cheque when Wen pointed out that she was charged a much lower amount by the same tax agent.

So we went to the same accounting firm and the same accountant for the same service, but I was charged 50% more?! And my tax claim is no more complicated, if not much less simpler, than hers.

That's ridiculous!

The worst thing is, this ALWAYS happens to me!

For some mind boggling reasons beyond me, people always tend to overcharge me.

I could walk into the same store and buy the same thing as the person next to me, and I'd be charged more. It's as if I had "water fish" (please direct-translate it into Cantonese, for those of you who understand the dialect) written all over my forehead and people could tell from a mile away.

(And no, I'm not kidding.)

To top it all, being the prim and proper Asian girl the way I was brought up to be, I hate confrontations. Especially when it comes to money.

So more often than not, I'd just politely pay the overpriced amount without standing up for myself while fuming with anger and injustice on the inside.

And believe you me, I'm fuming now!

Not happy, Jane!

On A Good Day.....

I wake up feeling that this is just a phase and it's going to pass.

On a very good day, I actually believe that things are going to get better very very soon and eventually, everything is going to be alright again.

On a good day, I look at the glass as half full and convince myself that uncertainties might not be a bad thing afterall. They can also mean possibilities.

Because nothing is certain, anything is possible. On a good day.

On a good day, I get a glimpse of the person I once was and believe that one day, I can be her again. Confident, happy, thankful, and most of all, someone who still has faith.

Then on the bad days (note: plural), try as I might, I lose all abilities to see the goodness in life and people. Or anything, for that matter.

For the past months or so, or for as long as I can remember, bad days seem to outnumber the good ones. By a long shot.

Today happens to be one of the good days. Simply because it's the first day of a new month.

The beginning of something always makes me feel hopeful, again, because of all the possibilities. So much so that I almost believe there is indeed rainbows after every storm.

And maybe, just maybe, there is a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.

Then I remember what Morty said in Click (2006):

"He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes."

Tax Return

So I finally stopped procrastinating and met with my accountant today to do my tax return for last financial year.

As expected, I have to pay back a whooping sum of money out of my very own pocket on top of what's already been taken out of my wages. *Rolls eyes*

Can't say I'm too pleased about that, but I guess it's something that we all have to live with. Oh well, what are you gonna do huh? *Shrugs*

To add insult to injury, I found out that I'm not eligible for the tax bonus payment from Rudd.

The one time, the ONE time, that Oz government is giving back something for the hefty amount of tax I have to pay every year, I'm not eligible!

What, now we're being punished for working too hard and making too much money?! Pfftt!

Well, I guess it's unfair for me to take it out on Ruddy boy because, let's face it, it's really not his fault. It's just my luck.

My bloody no-luck with money!

Now that I haven't worked and practically didn't make a dime for this financial year, I highly doubt there will be another giveaway this time round.

Seriously! It's just my LUCK.

And I'm getting really tired of it.

What Will Be, Will Be

Que Sera Sera
Doris Day

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly

Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be
Que Sera Sera

A beautiful night in Melbourne with clear sky and light breezes.

With scented candles burning and Doris Day playing in the background, I curled up in bed with freshly washed hair, contemplating whether or not to open the bottle of red I had just bought earlier on today while waiting for my boy to call.

A night like this reminded me so much of my days in school, or those days when I first arrived in Australia.

That's nearly 10 years ago.

How did we grow up so fast?

I Belong to You

You Belong to Me
Jason Wade

See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me

See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

I made Bee a promise today.

I promised to be strong.

It's not easy, given the state of mind I'm in, but I will try.

I'm sure I'll still break down and cry tomorrow. But this time, I'll try to remember that even when life throws us curve balls, I'm still lucky because I'm loved by you, and we're still a team.

If we don't catch the ball first time round, maybe it's the best any of us could do to try to take a swing at it.

And if that failed too, we'll watch for the next pitch. Together.

I'm not as strong as that sounded. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I'm typing this, and my hands are shaking. I'm just so alone without you.

But I will try. For you.

I'm not a strong person, but I will try.

Till I get to come home to you again. Wherever we decide that might be.

I love you, sweetie. And I'm so sorry for how difficult and hurtful I've been.

Happy birthday, baby!

Depression

I'm in a dark dark place.

A place so dark that there isn't a faintest trace of light.

A place so dark that you feel like the whole world had deserted you.

A place so dark that you're afraid to hope.

A place so dark that it seems pointless to scream for help.

A place so dark that no one could reach me. And I can't reach out.

I've lost count of the times I break down and cry in a day. I looked in the mirror, and I couldn't recall when was the last time I was truly happy.

There's so much pain and anger in me that I don't know what to do with myself. Then there's so much fear and loneliness that I almost feel paralysed.

I wake up every morning, only wanting to go back to sleep.

Nothing seems to be getting better, I only feel like I've sunk deeper than the day before.

And my only relief comes in a little white tablet called Stilnox.

I feel so alone.

So. So. Alone.

Of Post-It Notes and Tape Dispenser

Today is the first day since I arrived back in Melbourne that I woke up feeling slightly more positive.

I'm still terribly homesick and having difficulties adjusting to being on my own, but at least today, I'm starting to appreciate that it's a beautiful sunny autumn day out there.

The sunlight is warm and the air is crisp, it's the perfect day to sit in the sun for an afternoon cuppa, or for a slow stroll at the park.

I love Melbourne, I do. I just wish that I didn't have to be here all by myself and my Bee could be with me too.

*Sighs*

Anyhoo, to cheer myself up, I went downstairs and bought stationeries. Call me weird, but labels, glue sticks, and freshly sharpened pencils make me happy.

And I'm telling ya, for a stationery freak to live above a huge Officeworks is like a diabetic having to live next to Krispy Kreme. Imagine walking past your favourite candy store everyday! :|

Though I have to admit that I've been away for long enough to make me think twice about paying AU$20 for a stack of Post-it's, but I have an even bigger soft spot for colourful papers and stickers so I caved anyway. *Shrugs*

Maybe someday I'll show you my stationery collection, but then you'd probably just start thinking that I'm a bigger freak than what I've already told you about. Haha.

I hope everyone else is having a great day. And do leave a comment to tell me what made you happy today. :)

Signing out.

Happy Easter!

It's been a week since I left Malaysia.

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging much after my Bangkok trip. I was busy shopping before I left KL for Oz, and been busy settling into my new place since I got back to Melbourne.

The place is still a mess, the unpacking process is slow and painful. I don't even have my own internet connection yet, I'm currently piggybacking on my neighbour's wireless, so sshhh.....

I want to quickly thank those who's left comments or emailed me. Thank heaps for your concerns and sweet messages! I'm fine, will update more when I can, I promise. And of course, lots of backdated entries (which is so typical of me, haha.) when I have time to sort through them.

Till then, I hope everyone is having a great Easter weekend!

Later. :)