Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Here We Go Again


I had a choice,
I could sling off the runway and let my inner model die of shame,
or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish.
And that’s just what I did.
Because when real people fall down in life,
they get right back up and keep on walking.
~ Carried Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Today, I resumed lessons for my secret project.

After being royally screwed over by some incompetent imbecile, this little project of mine was forced to be terminated before I left for Melbourne.

What started off as something to kick-start my positive outlook for year 2009, ended up breaking my spirit even more. :|

I'm trying hard to love my home country, I really am. Just give me a reason to make it easier.

On some days, I'm fresh out of things to be thankful for being a Malaysian. It's pathetic how a person could feel so much like a stranger in her own country.

Anyhoo, back to what I was saying.

In my desperate attempt to justify my running back to KL like a cry baby this time round, I decided to pick up where I left off.

I had my first 2-hour lesson today, and another one scheduled for Saturday.

I still don't know how it's all gonna turn out and whether I'll successfully go through the whole process this time, but at the very least, I could try.

And I need to try, if I ever want to regain the strength to fix my broken spirit. If I ever want to believe that I can do anything as long as I put my mind to it.

I have to make me believe in myself again.

I have to.

So here we go again.


14 left a petal:

emotionalistic said...

One good reason to love your country: We have durians here and it's durian season now! :). Erm...btw, do you like durians?

Ellen said...

I'm guessing driving lessons heehee.
Whatever it is, I'm cheering for you! And regardless of the result, you should be proud of yourself going through the process again, no matter how common it is.
For what it's worth, your post is quite inspiring :) After reading it, I felt a bit more hope and less defeated.

Oh gawd, I wished we had nice and fresh durians here in Europe...
@Emotionalistic: please have some more on my behalf ^0^

MisSmall said...

Emotionalistic: I love durians! I don't really eat it that often though, I'm paranoid of smelling like it.

It could be my imagination, but I swear I could still smell it on my hands and breath for about a week after. So I need to psyche myself up first each time before I decide to indulge myself. Haha.

MisSmall said...

Ellen: I'd imagine that my writing has been far from inspiring these past months, darl. But thank you so much for your sweet words! As a matter of fact, your comment made me feel a lil more hope and a lil less defeated. So yeah, let's keep cheering each other on huh? :)

Most Asian grocers in Oz sell frozen (whole) durians? It's the next best thing when we couldn't get our hands on fresh ones. Do they have those where you're at too?

Che-Cheh said...

So happy you're going and going again. :)

Btw, I'm not sure whether you like reading books. I've one author to recommend to you. Maybe you've heard his name before. Eckhart Tolle.

I bought one of his books "The Power of Now" and I must say it totally changed the way I think things... help me through anxiety, sadness, depression. I've not even read half of it yet! Thought you might be interested. Just take a browse when you're at the bookshop next time. ;)

Doreen said...

Every country, every place, every corner has it's own pros and cons. What makes it different is how we choose to perceive it. Home is where the heart is wherever it is and that's all that matters.

Lila said...

I agree with Ellen, your post is very inspiring. I am also feeling very frustrated about life in Malaysia, but reading your post inspired me to do something to make myself feel better. Dont give up, we are all behind you!!!

prettybeautiful said...

it is really not easy to fall in love with msia. but on the + side, your loved ones are all here ;) so it is easier now eh? :D

sdovelly said...

haha...welcome back darl! so you have your lil secret project reactivated too eh? let's "fighting" together, shall we? :)

Ellen said...

You're most welcome :) Yeah, it's a deal!

Yup, I've tried those frozen durians, I can get them in Chinatown (here in Amsterdam). I'm not very keen on them, they taste... funny. Maybe they've been lying there for too long? But you're right, they are the next best thing if you can't get your hands on fresh ones.

cbenc12 said...

at least the love is here.. at least the life support is here.. :)

MisSmall said...

Che-Cheh: I love books! I don't read much from the self-help section though, I guess I'm too stubborn to let a book change my life around. :P

I've heard of "The Power of Now", it just never sparked my interest to read it. But you made it sound so special that I'll be sure to check it out when I'm at a bookstore next. Thanks, hun! *Hugs*

MisSmall said...

Doreen: Mine is a little more complicated than that. It's between people I love in a place I can't stand, or a lonely life in a place I love. My heart no longer knows where home is.

Lila: Thanks sweetie. I guess when we are cornered in life, it's all we could do to try to take charge again. :)

Prettybeautiful: Easier, yes. But definitely not easy. :)

MisSmall said...

Sdovelly: Yes, me with my secret project and you with your yoga, let's gambateh together! ^_^

Ellen: Amsterdam?! Cool! That's one of the places I've always wanted to live in! But of course, with an over-protective family and an over-protective husband who hates Europe, I'd be lucky if I'm allowed to visit it someday. :|

Cbenc12: Oh yes, love is all around. For now, at least. Haha.