Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Be Strong

I couldn't get out of bed this morning.

The air was caught in my chest and I couldn't breath; the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't run.

I reached out my hands into the air for help, but there was nothing for me to grab on. The empty room was just staring back at me. Coldly. Silently.

I curled up in bed, holding my knees as close to my body as possible. I could feel the trembling in my hands and the tears on my cheeks. But the thoughts, they wouldn't stop.

The anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the pain, and more than anything, the hopelessness.

All the things that I couldn't do. All the things that I couldn't say. All the things I couldn't make anyone understand.

Out of desperation, I turned to my nightstand, looking for my sleeping pills. It's the only thing that quiets down my mind, the only thing that gives me relief.

Then I saw the bible that I haven't touched for a long long time. I opened it, and a bookmark fell out.

Be strong to hope, O heart of mine!
Look not on life's dark side;
For just beyond these gloomy hours
Rich, radiant days abide.
Let hope, like summer's rainbow
Scatter thy falling tears;
And let God's special promises
Dispel all anxious fears.
To every grief a Lethe comes,
For every toil a rest;
So hope, so love, so patient bear -
God doeth all things best.

It was given to me 2 years ago by a friend, when she first learned of the predicament I was in.

Two years later, she's left Melbourne, and I'm back at the same place I was in.

Only this time, I'm no longer hopeful.