Anxiety Disorder

I've been having anxiety attacks for the past few days that I'm just about ready to give up now.

I just can't take this anymore!

Slump

I feel like I'm in a slump.

I'm so unmotivated and uninspired that I could just scream!

Or maybe I'll just roll over and sleep because I probably wouldn't even be bothered to scream. That's how unmotivated I am. :|

It's been nearly 4 weeks since I got back to Melbourne and the only thing that I've actually done is attending that one lesson for my secret project.

Other than that, I've just been lazing around doing absolutely nothing at all.

I haven't even been seeing or talking to that many people because I simply don't have the energy to conduct a conversation with anyone. Even the effort to get out of bed every morning is unbearably draining.

Ironically, someone told me the other day that she envies my lifestyle and wishes she could take a long break from work like I did.

"Oh, to have a life and to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want!" She exclaimed.

I smiled politely, not knowing how to tell her that the only reason I'm not going back to work just yet is because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I didn't have the words to tell her how terrified and lost I feel, not having a direction in my life but only wandering aimlessly in the dark.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

What may seem like greener pasture from where you are standing, might just be a swampy backwater that with each and every step, one only sinks deeper into the muddy stagnancy.

Here We Go Again Part Deux

So I finally got off my lazy ass and took the first lesson for my "Secret Project Australia".

The 45-minutes lesson was relatively short compared to those intensive 2-hours lessons I had in Malaysia, and it took me more than a week just to get an appointment! @_@

But over here, I'm actually learning the proper ways of doing things, instead of just trying to pass the test not understanding what the heck I'm doing, so I'm glad.

I can't exactly gauge how I feel about it yet, I guess I'll know after a few more lessons.

My instructor is an old man who coincidentally has the same name as my ex-big boss. It's freaky that he even talks and looks like him! They both have this poker face expression that I never know when they're joking and when they're not, which is a little annoying.

Oh well. *Shrugs*

I guess here we go again.

Dream of Fashion World

I've spent too much time watching shows like Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and The Rachel Zoe Project that I think they've gone to my head.

Seeing how brave and determined those talented people strive for their passion almost made me want to pursue my own little dream about having a career in fashion.

Almost, I said. *Smiles*

I acknowledge the fact that I lack the creativity and skills to be a designer, or the height and body to be a model, but I do have a good eye for beautiful things and my own sense of style. So maybe something like a stylist or fashion buyer?

Or I could always take up Bee's offer in opening a small and quaint little boutique of my own.

But of course, I'm also too much of a lazy bum to start from scratch again, and not enough of a risk taker to venture out of my comfort zone to explore a new, to say the least, career path.

So I guess all I'll end up doing about this reignited childish dream of mine is to go shopping for a new dress.

If the closest I can ever come to living in the fashion world is owning a closet full of fabulous dresses and shoes, I guess I can live with that.

*Shrugs*

As long as I also get to buy as many bags as I want.

And there goes my ambitious Thursday.

You know you love me!

XOXO

When Dreams Come True

When God Made You
Newsong
feat Natalie Grant

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
And I will love the ones you love
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

He made the sun He made the moon
To harmonize in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
'Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true

He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Yes he knew everything I would need
When God made you
When dreams come true
He must have been thinking about me

Though there are times that I cannot see clearly, but my heart always knew.

That there is no other one for me.

We may both be imperfect beings, but we are perfect together.

Like how we always think of the same thing at the same time.

Like how we could have fun doing absolutely nothing at all, but just being in each other's company.

Like how we've been playing this silly PB & Jelly alter ego game for the past few days, then I found this video while trying to write this entry, and my heart skipped a beat at 3'05".

Happy 11th wedding monthiversary, poobee.

I love you.

Forever yours,
Jelly

Two Weeks

It's been exactly two weeks since I got back to Melbourne, and I'm not feeling any better.

It just seems to be getting harder and harder each time I do this.

Is that even possible?

Shouldn't things get easier with practice, but not the other way round?

*Sighs*

Anyhoo, I want to thank those of you sweet sweet gals who took the time to email or send me cute e-cards to cheer me up.

I am fine, just seriously homesick and depressed.

("Homesick" and "depressed" really shouldn't be in the same sentence with "fine", but you get what I mean.)

I'm not sure if a whiny spoilt brat like me deserves so much kindness, but I'm grateful. You girls are such a bunch of darlings! *Hugs*

I'm sorry that I've been rather slow in writing back or answering some of the queries you girls have, I just haven't been up for anything lately.

But I promise I will, as soon as I feel better.

Till then, I hope everyone is well. *Smiles*

Favourite word of the day: Whimsical

Thursday Blues

I woke up this morning, and my mood took a sharp turn for the worse.

All I want to do is to go back to sleep.

I want to be strong, I really do.

And I'm trying really hard to be.

But I'm afraid I am just not.