Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Comfort Zone

I skipped my facial appointment with Leonard Drake today.

The rain made me lazy. And um, a little melancholy.

I've been exchanging emails with Dorothy lately. We might be getting an apartment together when I go back to Melbourne next year. Somewhere in the city, maybe.

Talking about it scared me a little.

Because it feels real now that I'm actually leaving. And that saddens me.

I'm excited (and scared at the same time) about going back to work. And I sure do miss Melbourne and living in the city that I fell in love with at the very first sight.

But what about the man who's had my heart since the day we met? What about my family?

Can I go back to living a life on my own? Can I go back to doing everything by myself instead of having things done for me without me even asking for it? Can I get used to not being chauffeured around everywhere I need to go? Can I bear living so far away from all the people I love so dearly? Can I handle the loneliness of not having someone to share my daily life with?

Then there are all the what-if's.

What if I'm not able to get a job or a position that is at least on par with what I used to have? What if I've left for too long that I've completely lost touch with the scene? What if my mum got sick again when I'm away? What if Bee and I drift apart when we're separated by an ocean? What if it's not for the better?

One of my biggest fears in life is uncertainty. Yet I constantly pluck myself outta my comfort zones and into the unknowns.

As I looked out the window from my kitchen today, I remembered all those rainy days in Melbourne that I wished I didn't have to spend alone.

And then I remembered how lonely I was. All those years.

10 left a petal:

fuzkittie said...

Aww, you're going to be so far away from Bee!! :/ I feel ya~

sab said...

i hope everything works out for the best! keep us updated!

iamthewitch said...

I guess it all boils down to priority... if you believe your career is what you should focus in right now, then go ahead without regrets. To keep things going with you and Bee, just make sure you guys have a long term plan so that you'll both have something to look forward to! :)

Tine said...

Are you coming back? What about Bee? Anyways, I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
And do look me up when you're here, yeah? :)

xin said...

i hope you find a way out for yourself. if it were me, i wouldn't hesitate to stay here just with the people whom i love dearly

cc said...

It's not easy to breakaway from our comfort zone and explore new territories, yet we do it all the time. Such is life isn't it, that's what makes it great!
I understand how you fell, it reminds me of the days when I first came to NZ, completely alone, not knowing a soul. But I was single then. You have so much more to think about now, think long and hard, talk it through with your husband, find out what he really think. Is he going to join you later or are you going back? Is the move worth it? Is it going to strain your relationship? Those are the hard question that needed to be answered.
All the best girl!

emotionalistic said...

I know this is going to be very difficult for you but try to prioritize the things in your life and go for the highest priority. Sometimes we have to give up something good for something better. because we only have one choice in everything we do. Good luck gal :).

Jeremy C said...

this is a surprise.

the things i've been going through lately, the soul-searching i've been doing...your posting reflects everything that's been on my mind.

in the end, on my part, now that i've taken the plunge i finally realised how important loved ones really are.

but i'm glad i took the plunge - the experience of finding myself was worth it.

i hope you find yourself too, for the experience is priceless...

MisSmall said...

Fuzkittie: I know! *Sobs sobs*

Sab: I sure hope so too. *Sniffs sniffs*

Iamthewitch: I'm greedy, I guess. I want it all. It sucks being a grown-up when it's all about prioritising. Whatever happened to the good ol' days when we get to have our cake and eat it too? *Sighs*

Tine: Sure sure. Let's go for a cuppa to cure my homesickness yeah? :)

MisSmall said...

Xin: I love Bee and my family, but my career defines who I am too. I feel lost when I'm constantly asked to decide between the things that make me who I am.

Cc: So many questions, yet not nearly enough answers. I guess we never really know, do we? *Sighs*

Emotionalistic: "Sometimes we have to give up something good for something better."

Such wise words, girl. My fingers froze on the keyword as they keep ringing in my head. However, easier said than done, no?

Jeremy C: I haven't, and quite honestly, I don't know how to. Maybe I'm just too caught up asking "why is it always one or the other?"

But I'm glad you found yourself and had it all figured out though. Good luck with "the plunge", I hope it all works out. :)