Fat

Is an ugly word.

Yes.

And also what I am feeling at the moment.

Both.

Fat and ugly.

Well, I sort of sensed it coming already, when I couldn't button up all of my skinny jeans. That's gotta trigger off a few alarm bells!

But I was in denial.

Maybe I was bloated that day. Maybe it was because I had just eaten. Maybe I drank way too much water the previous night.

Until I finally braced myself to step onto the weighing scale today, and realised that I've gained ANOTHER 2.5kg since the last time I weighed myself!

And if I'm not mistaken, this is the heaviest I've been in my entire life to date!

No wonder even my white jacket at work feels tight lately. Oh dear! *Hides face in palm*

I admit I have been over-indulging for the past 2 months, but I honestly didn't expect that I will blow up to the size of a whale!

I'm not ready to start dieting just yet though. Maybe after I'm done with this current job assignment.

Maybe, I said.

One stressful thing at a time huh?

For now, I'm just glad that it's winter here and we get to layer up! 

Thanks to my petite frame, people won't (well, here is hoping) immediately notice those extra pounds of fat and cellulite I have secretly piled on underneath the layers of clothing or my coat. So thank God for layering and the delusional effect of my daintiness.

But the waistline, oh the waistline (and don't even get me started on those thighs), is an absolute disgrace!

Time to go shopping for new jeans, fatty! *Slaps on bum*

Dinosaur

I'm a dinosaur when it comes to technology.

Proud and happy to be one at that, might I add.

I still prefer Moleskine notebooks, handwritten cards, and conventional phone calls.

To sum it up, I'm old-school, and much prefer it that way. 

As I always say, I'm an analog girl in a digital world.

Yes, I do own the latest version of Blackberry Bold (no touch screen, hate touch screen phones! And no iPhones, hate iPhones!), but it's more of an accessory than anything.

I mean, up until very recently, the only functions that I used it for were to make phone calls and send text messages. Just like in the old days, remember? When that's all mobile phones are for.

My friend had to forcefully install WhatsApp for me, which I gotta admit I enjoy very much now. And I even use Facebook and Twitter on my phone these days!

So you see, I'm not against technology.

I just don't like changes (old news!), tend to stick to what works, get emotionally attached to old things, and have difficulty moving onto new substitutes.

And as fate would have it, this dinosaur is married to a geek, who loves and embraces technology.

Now we are talking about a man who wants to change all ours doors to RFID locks, insists on installing the food waste disposer in our kitchen sink even though it freaks me out, and wants to turn our house into a "smart home".

Well, I have to say, I enjoy most part of it. The high tech home theater system, the latest biggest largest but thinnest TV, the top-notch kick ass sound system, and maybe even the whole water distiller + filter system.

My problem is, he likes giving me gadgets as presents.

Back when we were still dating, he bought me mobile phones, MP3 players, PDAs, laptops, and more electronic devices than I can remember.

But it got worse after we are married. In the past few months alone, he's bought me 2 new laptops, an iPad and an Asus Transformer tablet.

None of which I have laid a finger on. Or even took a close look at.

(Honestly, I wouldn't know how to maneuver them for Pete's sake, and have the slightest interest to.)

I'm perfectly happy with my dinosaur laptop. 

Sure it throws tantrums every now and then, it overheats and shuts down on me (much less often now, in its defence), it refuses to start on some days when it's not in the mood, or it's too slow to process or view some files, but we have a bond.

An emotional bond. For 2 whole years.

Everything is familiar, I'm used to its temper and quirks, all my files and bookmarks are here, and most importantly, my reluctance and resistance to changes.

So yes, I have 2 brand new laptops and 2 barely touched tablets laying around, and I'm still happily using my dinosaur laptop. 

(Though I have a sneaking suspicion that he already did foresee this happening and he actually bought them for himself under the pretense of as gifts to me.)

I think what I should do is to provide my husband with a wishlist of all the non-gadgety things that he can buy me as presents which will bring much more joy to me and hence much more use out of them.

And he should definitely come with me for a fun dinosaur ride in my little analog world.

Fashionably.

Sunday

After I've (sort of) finished with the "accidental" mini project, I got hooked.

Which is not surprisingly at all, really. Given my OCD tendency and addictive personality

So I ambitiously started another project - organising all the files in my laptop and external hard discs (all three of them).

(Stop rolling your eyes. I saw that!)

Well, it turns out to be harder and takes longer and more effort than I initially thought.

You see, other than categorising and sub-categorisng  (sometimes, sub-sub-categorising) them, I have to re-name each and every of them in the exact same way.

Down to the smallest details like punctuations and capital or small letters, even position of the dashes, they have to be EXACTLY the same and perfect.

Yes, I can be that anal. This is the OCD freak in me speaking.

And honestly *whispering*, as much as I enjoy organising, after doing the same thing over and over again for 500 files or so, it does get a little tedious and tiring.

Or I'm just easily bored. *Shrugs*

So I've decided to give myself a break for the coming week. No more organising fun for moi! *Inserts sad face*

I guess I have just as much "Rachel" in me as "Monica" after all. *Grins*

Happy Sunday, everyone!

Reward

My second week back to work.

Well, technically speaking, the fourth day.

On the way home today, I was thinking to myself, I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks.

Then again, there is still two-third of the way to go, and that's 4 more weeks (even though it's only 8 working days in total).

A whole month! I seriously doubt if I can go through with it.

My health still isn't the best, and I get tired way too easily. Some days aren't too bad, but on most days, I really struggle.

I mean, I still get excited and enthusiastic about work during the day, but it's difficult to be all chirpy and cheerful when you feel so lethargic and shitty like a flat tyre that has all the air sucked out from underneath you.

And the hardest part is definitely gotta be having to wake up early on freezing cold mornings. Or any sort of morning, for that matter.

When I was coaxed into taking the job, I comforted myself by thinking that maybe I should just see it as some extra cash which can be used to help fuel my shopaholic habits.

What I didn't know is, it seems like I'm suffering from shopper's block at the moment.

I honestly haven't had a serious must-have item that tugs my heart strings for a long time.

(Except those two unattainable stunningly oh-so-beautiful Harry Winston rings in Gossip Girl.)

Even with all these current and upcoming mid-year or end-of-season sale, I'm not the least bit tempted to shop. I'm too tired to even look, I kid you not!

Yes, me! No urge to shop! Told ya I'm unwell!

And you know that something is clearly wrong with you when even your mum and husband starts encouraging you to shop or "to buy something to make you happy".

Anyway, I hope I get my mojo back soon.

(Not sure if that is gonna be a good thing or a bad thing though.)

Otherwise, I might just go ahead and get the Celine Trapeze for the sake of all the raves.

Either way, something is going into that shopping bag.

And now the only question remains, what is it gonna be?

Oh well, I guess I'll figure that out.

Sooner or later.

It's my nature talent!

A girl's gotta know how to reward herself, yes? :)

Nightmare

One of the worst nightmares of people in my profession happened to me today!

And a spooky one at that. *Inserts eerie music*

I overslept!

No, correction, my alarm clock overslept. If that even makes sense.

So the day started off just as any other ordinary work day for me.

The alarm clock went off at 7am, and I rolled around in bed (normally for half an hour or so) wishing that I didn't have to get out of my warm quilt to go to work.

Then I casually picked up my Blackberry from the night stand to check if there were any messages (which I usually don't do till I get into the car, but for some reason, I did that this morning).

And that was when I realised, it wasn't 7'ish! It was nearly 8.15am!

My alarm clock was running a whole hour late!

How on earth did that happened?!

(Now the spooky part. It was still precisely an hour behind the actual time when I got home from work that night. Not a minute too early, not a minute too late, but an hour EXACTLY. @@)

Needless to say, I jumped out of bed and got dressed faster than anyone can say "panic".

And then, coincidentally, there was this whole thing with J* calling me because X* forgot to leave one of the keys on the premise and I was gonna pick it up from their place but in the end X* decided that it would be easier and faster for him to go down himself. Thank goodness that he did because he actually ended up, somehow, getting there sooner than I did and we managed to open on time.

Oh! Drama. Drama. Drama.

Anyway, this little overslept and spooky alarm clock incident honestly did freak me out a fair bit.

So tonight, I'm sleeping with at least five different alarm clocks.

Sweet dreams, peeps!

Truce

Bee and I agreed to come to a truce today.

After having fights and arguments almost on a daily basis for the past few weeks, we realised that it's basically heading nowhere but further destruction of our relationship.

And I've come to the conclusion that our problems will never completely and truly be solved.

At least, not in the foreseeable future.

Truthfully, knowing me, I'm not the type of person who can simply just put it behind me and move on, like most people would advise you to do with relationship issues.

I just can't. As long as they still exist.

It's not that I don't want to. If I could, I most definitely will and am more than happy to, believe you me.

But I can't. I lack that capacity and ability.

It's just not in me.

Letting go has always been one of the most difficult things for me.

But I guess the least that I could do is to try, as hard as it is, to understand and acknowledge that it is not something that he can change or control. Not overnight anyway.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is, we love each other and we want our marriage to work.

And keep fighting daily like this is obviously not an option.

So when he offered the third "peace treaty" (the first two fell through), I accepted.

(Or maybe I'm just sick and tired of the fighting.)

My wounds are still sore. I still have overflowing pent up anger, resentment and bitterness. And trust me when I say that they are not just gonna "heal with time" or go away slowly and eventually.

Not like this.

But for now, it's all I could do to look away and pretend that they are not there.

It's not the best solution, but it's the only solution I can think of and handle at the moment.

So yes, it's cease-fire for now. I hope.

IF he holds up his end of the deal.

Peace out.

Camera

I forgot the charger for my camera, left it behind in KL.

It honestly still baffles me how could that have happened because I always ALWAYS put the charger back into my laptop bag right after I use it.

Every. Single. Time.

Well, except this one time, I guess. :|

Anyway, it's making its way back to me as we speak.

But know me and being the control freak that I am, of course the story doesn't just stop there.

I have no patience to wait till the charger to arrive, and I feel insecure without a camera (beats me!). The latter really doesn't make any sense at all, because I hardly use my camera.

And trust me when I say "hardly". Most of the times, months could go by and no one even touches the camera. The camera case literally just collects dust.

Like I've said before, both Bee and I are not much a picture-person.

But hey, when a girl wants a camera, she wants a camera!

Especially when it comes to moi. *Points to self*

So Bee took me to get my new camera.

When the sales assistant asked what or which camera we were looking for, I simply said, "The pink one."

Bee thought he heard me wrongly, because that is just completely out of character for me.

It's always been all black and black only when it comes to my gadgets and toys (cars included). I guess I'm not the least bit girly in that department.

Always black. Never silver. Never colour.

But I guess I'm going through a pink phase. For some odd reason that is beyond me.

Last week, I wanted a pink phone! :|

Anyhoo, I got my pink camera now, and I'm happy.

*Grins*

Diary

 

Dear diary,

It's been a really long time, I know.

In fact, it's been a whirlwind year.

So much has happened.

So much.

Some I don't remember. Some I wish I don't remember.

Some good. Some bad.

Mostly good, I'd say. Thankfully.

And I really wish I had taken you with me, or documented the stories.

So I can remember it all.

The good. The bad.

And everything between.

Zits

My skin has been in an absolute horrible condition ever since we got back to Melbourne.

I have breakouts all over the face, and my skin is so badly congested that I can feel all the hidden bumps just by running a finger over the skin surface.

To say the least, it has completely caught me off guard as this is a very unusual situation. My skin is always better in the Australian weather, and normally this only happens whenever I go back to Malaysia or visit any tropical countries.

And even then, my skin has not been in such a bad condition for a really long time. It has been very well behaved with minimal maintenance or effort, and I even get compliments about how good my skin looks rather often from random strangers.

So, to say that I'm sad and frustrated is an understatement.

I'm not sure whether it's stress-related (unlikely, I've been stressed up to my eyeballs in the past and my skin didn't act out this way), or hormonal (unlikely also, not that time of the month yet), or something I'm not doing right (also unlikely, since I haven't been doing anything different).

It grosses me out just thinking about how much gunk there is on or underneath my skin! 

All I want to do is to simply get rid of them. The sooner the better!

And the extra few pounds that I've piled on recently  (oh trust me, "few" is a kind word!) isn't helping either.

Now I feel both ugly and fat! *Wails loudly*

Anyway, in the hopeful effort to salvage my current problematic skin condition, I have switched from my usual Dermalogica Dermal Clay Cleanser to the Ultracalming Cleanser instead.

I have also re-purchased and started using the Dermalogica Multi-Active Toner and Skin Smooth Cream again after skipping both the toner and moisturiser steps for months. :p

And,  (yes, ain't I being a good girl?), I'm also using the Dermalogica Gentle Cream Exfoliant twice weekly religiously, followed by their Skin Hydrating Masque.

Skipping the Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant at the moment since I'm already using the Gentle Cream Exfoliant twice weekly. I'm worried too much exfoliating might be too harsh on the skin and hence worsen the condition.

The next thing that I gotta do is probably make an appointment for a deep cleansing facial ASAP and get the Dermalogica Skin Hydrating Booster that I've ran out of.

Well, wish me luck, peeps!

And don't be shy if you have any suggestions or experience as of what to do to tackle this annoying problem. All tips and advices are more than welcome! :)

Hiatus

I've missed writing.

I really have.

Didn't even realise how much I do myself until now.

I hope this means I'm back.

Soon.

Mistaken

My second day at work.

And the magic is gone.

Already? I heard you asked.

Yes, dear. Already.

Merely half way through the second day, I started to realise just how mistaken my feelings were, about me being ready to go back to work full time.

Don't get me wrong, and I really can't stress this enough - I do love my job and I love what I do.

Well, on most days anyways. :|

And if possible, I'd say "yes" in a heartbeat to do what I did last year all over again.

Rebuilding a business from the ground up, staying back for paperwork with unpaid overtime till 5am and then start work again at 8am with less than 3 hours of sleep, got rushed to emergency room for explainable high fever, shivering chills, stuttering speech plus slight disorientation (Bee totally freaked out! So did all of my staff.) but insisting on returning to work immediately upon discharge, single-handedly restructuring the whole business and human resource, changing the whole work culture and turning the business around in less than 6 months, building a new clientele who are not only loyal but love me to bits, and the list can go on forever.

But the most important thing is, at the end of the day, came out victoriously and honourable, with my head held high and proud. The satisfaction and validation of one's capability.

Not to mention being gifted with a few new good friends along the way, which was a precious bonus.

Yes, if I could, I really wouldn't have second thought about accepting the offer for the permanent position.

Just, not now.

I'm a notorious extreme perfectionist. It's either do it right (in my lingo - perfect and give it my 200%), or not do it at all.

And I honestly don't think I have the ability to do that now given my current health condition.

Take today for example. I was already struggling to keep my energy up before the day even began, and then I literally collapsed onto the couch when I got home, not having the strength to move another muscle on my body for the rest of the night.

So yes, as unwilling as I am, I have to admit that I need to give myself some "off time", to simply rest properly, recuperate, rejuvenate, and refuel.

And hopefully, to recover.

Work

My first day back to work.

And I only had less than 3 hours of sleep last night! @@

I went to bed around 10.30pm, and for no reason at all, woke up just a little after 1am.

And try as I might, even with the extra sleeping pills that I popped, I just couldn't get myself to go back to sleep again!

Around 5am, I gave up and resigned to the fact that I was just going to be a walking zombie for the day.

In the pathetic effort to try to make myself feel a little bit better, we purposely made a detour that is completely out of our way to one of my favourite cafe just so I can get a good cup of morning coffee.

Or at least, one that is to my standard.

Well, it did make me feel slightly better. And I gotta say, that was very sweet of Bee to do so.

Anyway, I got to work about an hour early than I should, so X* and I went for a(nother) quick coffee at this new neighbourhood cafe, which was surprisingly rather cosy.

From then on, I don't know if it's the adrenaline pumping, the extra doses of caffeine working, or my body going into an overdrive mode due to lack of sleep, the rest of the day just flew by. I honestly don't know how, but somehow.

At the end of the day, I was in such a great spirit that I almost managed to convince myself that I am ready to go back to work full time again because I had enjoyed it so much.

I mean, I wouldn't go as far as saying that I had a blast, but at least I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would.

When I got into the car, I couldn't wait to start telling Bee about my day, like an excited little kid after his/her first day at school.

Rather unexpected, no?

A pleasant surprise, I must say. But unexpected, nonetheless.

Something to think about.

Stressed

I am stressed.

Been feeling stressed since the day I agreed to accept the job offer.

Not so much about the job itself, really.

I love my job, and I know I am good at what I do.

I guess the stress is more coming from having to wake up early in the morning, and then being stuck at work for the rest of the day.

I'm not much of a morning person. I think we have established that pretty clearly, haven't we? Haha.

But the main issue is, I'm just not ready. I guess.

At this stage, I'd still prefer to have a fully laid back lifestyle for a while. 

Waking up at noon, have my brunch with a pot of freshly brewed full-flavoured tea, take afternoon naps, and spend the day with complete freedom of doing (or rather, not doing) whatever I want.

Instead of having the pressure of waking up on time so early on a freezing cold morning, knowing that all the staff will be waiting for you to open because you are the one holding the key.

I'm stressed just thinking about alarm clock.

Oh dear.

Memories

I've been pulling a "Monica" for the past week or so.

Geller (from Friends). Not Lewinsky. :|

It started off casually, but given my OCD tendency, it soon took on a life of its own and became one of my mini pet projects.

I was practically glued to my laptop everyday, obsessed with arranging all my pictures into different folders and sub-folders according to the date, venue, and event.

There is something about "organising" that is just so soothing and calming, not to mention satisfying. It's almost therapeutic.

Or is it just me? :p

Now some of these pictures go as far back to year 2005 or even earlier. They were all over the place! So it does take some time and patience to slowly go through, then organise and categorise them.

I have a folder called "Bee-ing Silly" for the pictures of Bee and I just goofing around or some photos that I simply do not know which category or sub-category they belong to.

In the past, I've had a bad experience of losing most, if not all, of my pictures when my previous computer gave up on me. So yes, this time, I'm backing them up too!

Girl's learned her lesson. *Grins*

Both Bee and I are not much of a picture-taking person, which is something that we are starting to re-evaluate these days.

It's true when they say a picture says a thousand words.

And as we age, we slowly come to realise just how unreliable human's memory can be. Therefore, pictures become a very useful tool to capture those important (or not so important) moments in our lives and immortalise them.

I was shocked as I was flipping through old pictures when I was back home in Swan City this time, some of them I have absolutely no recollection of.

I don't remember taking those pictures, I don't remember where or when they were taken, I don't even remember or recognise some of the people in those pictures!

And we are not talking about childhood photos here. These are the pictures as recent as my teenage or uni years. ><

(No, people, it hasn't been THAT long!)

Anyhoo, I'm close to finishing this little mini project of mine, and I already have something else in mind.

And I say this next sentence in the full spirit of Monica Geller -

"Isn't being organised fun?!" 

Solitude

I've always been a person who enjoys and values my solitude.

Even more so now, I guess, after experiencing all the dramas, chaos and craziness for the past few months.

Nowadays, I'm happy and grateful to just be able to wake up to a serene morning with the lovely sound of birds chirping in my garden.

Then I step into the quiet kitchen to make myself a cup of piping hot tea, and sit down in my cosy lounge to enjoy a day of doing absolutely nothing.

Or anything.

A good book. A nice movie. A pleasant phone conversation. A splurge of online shopping. A relaxing long bath.

Peace and serenity.

Something that we take for granted so often and way too easily, but a luxury to some.

And today, I'm feeling luxurious. :)

Fights

Bee and I have been having a lot of fights lately.

Almost on a daily basis, I'd say.

It's an understatement to say that our relationship is not in a good place.

Even the smallest thing could spark a huge argument. And sometimes, a full-on yelling match.

We are on the edge of breaking down.

It is BAD. All capitals.

I think the major underlying reason is because I just have so much pent up anger, resentment and bitterness towards his obnoxious and psychotic (I'm being kind with my choice of words, believe you me) family after having to deal with them in close proximity for the past few months.

And it's not a new thing. This deep hatred and distaste. All the dramas in the past few months just reignited and intensified those feelings further.

In fact, they are one of the main causes of my depression for the past few years.

They are just, impossible!

I have no words for it. Really.

There are certain people that I seriously wish that I could get rid of and have nothing to do with. Ever!

Or simply do not exist at all. In my world or this.

Till then.

Twist

In a plot of twist (of course there is one), turns out, I am going back to work after all.

Surprise! (Notice the obvious sarcasm.)

Starting the coming Friday! *Covers face in hands*

All because of my inability to say no.*Sighs*

What happened was, Bee and I caught up with X*, J* and their two boys over afternoon tea today, and the topic of locuming came up again.

And after (not) much persuasion, being the typical me, of course I said yes.

(Yes, I do have my suspicions that it was "planned". J* knows me too well.)

So now you know. If you ask me for something and I say no, just ask me again. Because chances are (and history has proved this over and over again), I will almost always end up saying yes.

*Long sighs* 

I'm getting depressed just thinking about having to wake up early in the freezing cold mornings.

Or just waking up to alarm clock per se.

Well, good thing is, it is only 2 days a week for 6 weeks.

But knowing my inability to multitask, that would only mean that the other 5 days in the week will be wasted too. And that goes COMPLETELY against what I have planned to do (or not) for the next few weeks.

I haven't even unpacked yet, for goodness' sake!

Oh when oh when will I master the art of saying no?

*Bangs head against wall*

Now if you'd excuse me, I need to go lie down and start stressing about Friday.

Rejuvenate

I turned down the job offers, against everyone's advice.

Both of them.

One is a permanent position with a promising company. My previous employer, actually.

The other is a locum position to help out a friend who is low in staff at the moment.

Everyone thinks that I should give them a try. Either one. Just get back in the workforce and see how things go and where it takes me.

In this economy and with top competitions flooding our line of work these days (yes, even in healthcare, contrary to popular beliefs), it is almost impossible to have such job offers come knocking on your door without you even looking.

Not one. But two. At the same time.

Mum thinks I should be proud and thankful that I have managed to built myself a reputation in the industry and people really do appreciate my work.

And I do. I really do feel very flattered and grateful, not to mention lucky.

But after obsessing it in my head (typical me) for the past few days, I still decided to say no for now.

No one else could understand why would I give up such opportunities that so many others hope for and will go extra mile for.

Just like how no one else would understand exactly just how tired and exhausted I am at the moment.

The dramas and stress from past few months has really taken a toll on my health. Both physically, and emotionally.

Like I've said before, I just need some time to simply rest, recuperate and recover.

So one day, hopefully, I can be myself again.

Weight

I stepped on the weighing scale this morning and realised that I've gained at least 5kgs in less than 3 weeks.

For the past few months, my weight has simply been all over the place like an absolute hyperactive yo-yo.

Even my designer called me an unstable balloon.

My body just kept being inflated and deflated, for some reason.

Maybe it's the stress.

Maybe it's age.

I don't know. *Shrugs*

But I guess now is not the time to obsess over it. Yet.

As long as I can "somehow" manage to shed off these extra pounds before our next photo shoot. 

Whenever that might be.

Till then, I believe I have earned my right to just unwind and relax.

And for now, the freedom to spread on as much butter as I wish on my raisin toast.

Offers

The power of Facebook!

See, I was too excited about us to have finally escaped KL and come back to Melbourne that I posted about our return on Facebook before we even stepped out of the airport.

(Yes, I was, and still am, THAT excited!)

The next day, I was approached with two job offers.

I'm not whinging, don't get me wrong.

In fact, I feel very flattered, very lucky and extremely grateful. I really do!

But the thing is, I am far from ready to go back to work.

The thought hasn't even crossed my mind at all!

I mean, I haven't the faintest idea of what I am going to do for the next 6 months or an year, but I have glimpses of vague pictures.

And going back to work this soon, almost immediately, is definitely not in any of those pictures.

So much, so much, has happened in the past few months. All I can think about right now is to rest, recuperate, and recover.

Good offers. Bad timing.

Lots to think about.

Rusty

I wonder if I've really been away for too long. 

I have completely forgotten how to blog. 

(And this whole new interface isn't exactly helping either.) 

I feel like I have so much to say, yet I could stare at the screen for hours but not a word comes to mind. 

Nada. Zilch. Blank. 

Absolutely nothing. 

Maybe I am getting rusty. Out of practice does that to you. 

Have I lost the ability to form proper sentences out of my thoughts? 

Do I not find comfort anymore in jotting down the happenings of my life to share with random strangers and the unknown world? 

Or maybe, I just don't know where to begin. 

Home

We landed in Melbourne just as the city was waking up to a Tuesday morning.

Instantly, I feel alive again.

At long last, we are back.

Right where we belong.

This is home.