Saturday, September 16, 2006

Letting Go


Is probably the hardest lesson to learn in life. Even more so for me.

My pastor's wife used to tell me, life is just that extra bit harder for people like us. By us, she meant herself and me.

Sentimental people like us feel too much emotions, sometimes too-unncessarily-much. That's why it's so much harder for us to leave a place, a person, or even a thing.

We just can't let go.

She said she used to cry every year when students in our church graduate and leave. It might not make much sense to a lot of people, but I completely understand how she was feeling.

People like us form a bond, too easily, with everything and everyone that comes into our lives. We get too emotionally attached, too easily, with places, people and things. And then we find it too difficult to let go.

Everything/everyone/everywhere leaves a mark on us, and it's often too hard to be erased.

7 months ago, I blogged about me finding it hard to leave Melbourne, to leave my things behind, and to come back to my home country.

Now, I'm finding it equally hard, if not harder, to leave Malaysia and to go back to Melbourne.

I'm so so afraid of getting emotionally attached to people, to love and to let them get close. People like Bee, whom I've grown to love with all my heart.

When you choose to love someone, you're giving them the power to hurt you. I feel extremely vulnerable when I realise that I can no longer imagine a life without him in it.

I envy those people who are stronger and tougher in life. I envy those people who don't feel as much in life. I envy how people can just get up and leave without heavy feelings. I envy people who understands that things/people in life comes and goes. I envy people who handle changes better than I ever can.

I used to think that maybe it's a phase that I will someday outgrow. I now think that it's never gonna get any easier for me. That's just who I am, and I have to live with that.

My pastor's wife also said that we should see it as a gift to be thankful for. God gave us the ability to feel. He gave us empathy, so we can feel for others too.

I am thankful. But the emotions just gets a little too overwhelming at times.

That's one of the reasons why I'm afraid of working in a hospital. It's a place with too much sadness, suffering, pain and separations. And I can't be in the middle of it and not be affected.

When I was young, there was this old lady who used to sell those cheap 20 cents ice-cream cone outside my primary school. She was plump, very dark, and had so much wrinkles. She reminded me of my grandma.

I always felt like crying when I saw her, because she was so old yet she had to sit under the scorching sun and sell ice-cream to kids who just finished school. Where were her own kids? Why didn't they look after her?

I started buying ice-cream from her almost everyday, but only after my car had arrived. I'd shove a dollar bill into her hand, pretended that I had to rush to go into the car and asked her to keep the change.

I never dared to look her in the eyes, I was afraid it would break my heart. Even at the age of 8 years old, I understood how heartaches feel like.

So many years had gone by, and I still remember her. I can't recall how exactly did she look like, but I remember her. She left a print on me too, though we have never spoken.

As we grow, we realised that our parents will get old too. They used to be so strong and big, our hands looked so small compared to theirs.

And then one day, we suddenly realised that they're shorter than all the kids now, and they look so frail. They're old now. Time has left its mark on them.

I'm afraid of the day that I have to let go of them. I'm afraid of saying goodbyes.

Letting go, is just never easy for me.


2 left a petal:

Jemima said...

Letting go is never easy for anyone. HUGS!

Btw, you've got mail.

MisSmall said...

Jemima: Thanks for the email, girl. It's good to hear from you. :)