Toast to Brighten Up A Saturday Morning

My instructor offered to move all my classes to early in the morning after seeing me sweating like a little piglet during my previous lesson.

I guess my low threshold of heat is obvious without me having to say anything. :|

My classes now start at 6.30am, before the sun even comes up, and finish by 8.30am.

I just had another 2-hour session this morning, and if I were to sum it up in a sentence, it would be - I suck!

I'm serious. I have no motor coordination skills what-so-ever, and boy does it show!

I felt like a complete retard the whole time. How could something so easy to others seem almost impossible for me to master?

The only thing that I looked forward to all morning was for Bee to come pick me up for breakfast.

On that note, I have to mention that Kopitiam 1950 in SS2 serves the most devilish roti bakar (Malaysian-style toast). It comes with half a centimeter thick of butter!

Sinful, yes, but oh-so-good! Truly befitting of a glutton like yours truly. Hehe.

(I'll be sure to take a picture of it next time, IF I remember.)

Bee disapproves of it, but I guess he didn't have the heart to say no to me seeing how I looked like the air has been let out of my balloon after the lesson.

So for now, I get to have the fat-loaded toast with teh tarik (Malaysian-style milk tea) to compensate for the stressful morning I've just had.

Till the next time.

Baking in KL

It's scorching hot in KL like you wouldn't believe it!

I should have known something is wrong when even Bee was complaining about the hot weather. The man needs a sweater during those early days of autumn in Melbourne when I'm still trotting around in my summer dresses.

Or when the stewardess announced that the temperature outside was 35°C as our plane landed at dawn.

35 degrees before 7 o'clock in the morning? That's madness!

It's one thing about trying to tolerate the hot and humid tropical weather I so passionately hate, another to be baking like a Thanksgiving turkey in this crazy heat.

Even with the air-conditioners blasting at full speed 24/7, it still feels like someone had turned on the giant oven and forgot to switch it off.

The best things to offer temporary relief in this ridiculous weather?

Chilled fresh watermelon juice (ice-blended!), flip flops, and the pool!

What are yours?

Somone to Share Your Day With

It still feels unreal that I'm back in KL again.

All of a sudden, I have someone to wake up next to, someone to plan the day with, and someone to hold my hand wherever we go.

It's as if I had never left, and the past a month and a half didn't happen at all.

It's been said that a happiness shared is a happiness doubled, and a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.

I guess I never really understood that until now.

Here We Go Again

I had a choice,
I could sling off the runway and let my inner model die of shame,
or I could pick myself up, flaws and all, and finish.
And that’s just what I did.
Because when real people fall down in life,
they get right back up and keep on walking.
~ Carried Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Today, I resumed lessons for my secret project.

After being royally screwed over by some incompetent imbecile, this little project of mine was forced to be terminated before I left for Melbourne.

What started off as something to kick-start my positive outlook for year 2009, ended up breaking my spirit even more. :|

I'm trying hard to love my home country, I really am. Just give me a reason to make it easier.

On some days, I'm fresh out of things to be thankful for being a Malaysian. It's pathetic how a person could feel so much like a stranger in her own country.

Anyhoo, back to what I was saying.

In my desperate attempt to justify my running back to KL like a cry baby this time round, I decided to pick up where I left off.

I had my first 2-hour lesson today, and another one scheduled for Saturday.

I still don't know how it's all gonna turn out and whether I'll successfully go through the whole process this time, but at the very least, I could try.

And I need to try, if I ever want to regain the strength to fix my broken spirit. If I ever want to believe that I can do anything as long as I put my mind to it.

I have to make me believe in myself again.

I have to.

So here we go again.

Like I Never Left

He was waiting at the arrival gate unusually early despite his habit of showing up late; I felt unusually refreshed after the 8-hour flight despite a sore back.

He held my hand tightly as usual while driving us home from the airport; I was blabbing away as usual about my flight and the annoying woman I met at the baggage claim area.

We headed straight home to take a nap like we always do.

He carried my suitcases into the spare room I use as my changing room; I couldn't wait to jump into the shower and wash away the stickiness on my skin.

We slept on our side of the bed. Him on the right, me on the left.

He kissed my hair and whispered softly, "Welcome home, baby!"; I buried my face in his shoulder and slept the best I had in a long time.

And just like that, I was home again.

Like I had never left.

Leaving Autumn in Melbourne

I'm leaving for the airport in an hour's time but I'm only beginning to pack now.

All in the grand tradition of procrastinating! :P

My day was spent running some last-minute errands, picking up a few things that I've ordered for Bee from a friend's shop, and having a long lunch (which eventually turned into afternoon tea) with an ex-colleague and her new baby.

It's funny how I've been doing going-away lunches and dinners with friends over the past few days when I haven't even finished my round of welcome-back dinners with all of them.

People's been asking why am I going away again so soon after I came back to Melbourne.

I shrugged and smiled, "Why not?"

There really isn't a way to make me seem less of a spoilt brat than what I already am, so I guess it's all I could do to not seem like a victim too.

Sometimes, it's easier to be perceived as irresponsible than weak, just like how it's easier to drop out than to admit defeat.

I'll be back in 5 weeks (hopefully), and we can start doing a new round of welcome-back dinners.

Till then.

Cupcake Weekend

A quiet Sunday afternoon.

A pot of brewing tea with thin slices of lemon.

A box of cupcakes with lovely pastel colours.

The only thing that's missing from a perfect weekend is you to hold my hand.

So I saved two little cupcakes for us.

The one with the pink flower for me, like the colour of roses on our first Valentine's Day.

The one with the blue flower for you, like the shirt you wore when we said "I do!".

Two sleeps till I see you again.

When Life Gets You Down

"The best we can do, is breathe and reboot.
And when that fails, a zip drive can provide a surprising amount of comfort.
So can a boyfriend.....if you can learn to let him."
~ Carried Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

I hesitated as I placed my finger on the "enter" key.

I asked myself, am I running away?

Am I just a spoilt little brat who runs home crying whenever things don't go my way? Am I admitting defeat even before putting up a fight? Am I giving up too easily because I couldn't even bother to try a little harder?

And then I thought to myself, what would others think?

Would they think that I'm running away from my problems? Would they think less of me since I was once regarded as a tough little cookie? Would they think that I no longer have what it takes to handle a difficult situation?

Then I hit "enter".

Not because I have all the answers, but because I don't.

Hopping on a plane isn't going to solve the problems at hand, but just because my life is not what everyone, including myself, expects it to be at the moment, doesn't mean I should stop living it.

We might never know what is the right thing to do, right path to take, or the right way to live our lives. It's all we could do to pick one to the best of our knowledge, or sometimes, our hunch.

Because the truth is, we're all just figuring out this giant puzzle we've been given.

And this is my attempt to breath, and reboot.

Hopping On A Plane

I've just booked my ticket.

I'm going back to KL for a short break.

It was a rash decision. I followed my heart, but not my head.

My head thinks I shouldn't run away; my heart thinks that I need a breather.

Most importantly, my heart needs to be where it belongs.

Right next to you.

Lost

I wake up everyday feeling lost.

The same questions ring in my head the moment I open my eyes every morning.

Over and over again.

What is it that I'm doing with my life? Where am I heading? What is the point of waking up everyday?

For as long as I can remember, my life resembles an endless transition phase.

I'm always running between two places, between what I really want and the "greater good", between me and you.

But it never really went anywhere. I was just running in circles, holding on to all the pathetic make-beliefs.

Along the way, I've lost sight of the finish line. I've lost faith in believing that good things come to those who wait. I've lost hope that as long as I persevere, things will be different.

Most importantly, I've lost myself.

It's easy to keep running when you have a destination in mind. Not so easy when you're only running blindly in the dark without any trace of light at the end of the road.

I'm finally tired. I can't run anymore.

I just can't.

I've lost everything that I am, and now I'm just lost.

Home Again

Home Again
Carole King

Sometimes I wonder
If I'm ever gonna make it home again
It's so far and out of sight

I really need someone to talk to
And nobody else
Knows how to comfort me tonight

Snow is cold, rain is wet
Chills my soul right to the marrow

I won't be happy till I see you alone again
Till I'm home again and feeling right

Snow is cold, rain is wet
Chills my soul right to the marrow

I won't be happy till I see you alone again
Till I'm home again and feeling right

Till I'm home again and feeling right
I wanna be home again and feeling right

I want to go home.

But I don't know where home is.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I had a girls day out with Wen and Wan at Shoppingtown Doncaster.

It was almost impossible to find a parking space since it's Mother's Day Eve and the whole Melbourne is out shopping for presents. Wen and I spent 2 1/2 hours (!) circling the car park before we eventually found a spot across the road.

By the time we finished lunch at TGI Fridays with Wan, it was nearly 5pm and all the shops had started pulling down their shutter doors. I suddenly started missing Malaysia, if not for anything else, at least the long opening hours of shopping mall.

Lunch was heaps of fun. We had so much to catch up and debrief each other that we barely had time for air or food! I guess that's what happens when you put 3 chatty girls at the same table huh?

Since our shopping plans were down the drain, we adjourned to Glen Waverley for Wolverine and coffee.

The movie was great and definitely enjoyable. What else is there to say about a show with Hugh Jackman walking around topless for half of the time huh? That's one sexy Aussie!

Having said that, I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed by the details of the storyline and emotional investment of the characters. Or rather, the lack of them.

Too much loose ends and inconsistencies, but not enough character development. It tells the story of our favourite mutant's past before his X-men days, though in a rather uninspiring way that lacks omph. Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber are two great performers, but they weren't really given a lot to play with, except constantly beating each other up in the many pointless fight scenes.

Then again, I'm probably overly-critical since I stepped into the cinema with high expectations, which is never a good thing. *Shrugs*

The ending, however, was surprisingly good. It was heart-wrenching when Wolverine looked at Silverfox yet couldn't remember her as the woman he once so deeply loved.

All in all, it was an entertaining movie that's definitely worth 2 hours of your precious weekend. Especially if you're a big fan of Hugh Jackman like yours truly.

Lesson of the day: Leave your high expectations at home when you go to the movies, and you might just be pleasantly surprised.

Prentending

I've had appointments scheduled for everyday this week.

Errands to run. Bills to pay. People to see.

Despite my struggle to get out of bed every morning, I kept every single one of those appointments.

I suppressed whatever it is that I was really feeling on the inside, got dressed, put on my makeup, and most importantly, a smile.

People like to see a smiling face.

When they ask how you are, they expect you to tell them that you're doing fine. Better yet, great.

So that's what I'm going to give them. A smile on my face.

Bubbly, even.

I may have to constantly take deep breaths and remind myself not to let the tears fall, but I feel compelled to keep pretending.

And that's what I do all day long. Pretending to be happy. Pretending to be strong. Pretending to be fine.

It's exhausting.

But maybe if I do it for long enough, I might actually start to believe it myself.

That I'm doing just fine.

100 Tears Away

100 Tears Away
Vonda Shepard

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

Go ahead and sail now
Just give in to the ocean
The only way to tame your fear
Is to feel her rocky motion

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Go ahead and listen
Just give in to the voices
You think you're backed into a corner
But you've got so many choices

You're a long way from some place you feel safe
Peace of mine comes from just one place

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
Is just 100 tears away

You're a long way from somewhere you call home
There's a place in your heart you're not alone

All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

My hands started shaking as I was putting on my eyeliner, and tears started rolling down my cheeks.

For no apparent reason at all.

Maybe it was the song that was playing in the background, maybe it was the gloomy weather in Melbourne today. But really, it's just one of my ordinary days nowadays.

One of my ordinary days battling depression.

The truth is, I'm getting rather used to crying. And sadistic as it sounds, on some days, I'm actually beginning to enjoy it.

At the very least, it's an outlet. It takes away some of the burden that's been weighing down on my heart. Even if it's just for a very brief moment.

So I wiped away the tears, re-applied my blush, put up a smile on my face, and headed out for my interview in the afternoon.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.

And it's all that I can do to hold my head high, so no one else sees my tears when I cry.

Be Strong

I couldn't get out of bed this morning.

The air was caught in my chest and I couldn't breath; the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't run.

I reached out my hands into the air for help, but there was nothing for me to grab on. The empty room was just staring back at me. Coldly. Silently.

I curled up in bed, holding my knees as close to my body as possible. I could feel the trembling in my hands and the tears on my cheeks. But the thoughts, they wouldn't stop.

The anger, the sadness, the loneliness, the pain, and more than anything, the hopelessness.

All the things that I couldn't do. All the things that I couldn't say. All the things I couldn't make anyone understand.

Out of desperation, I turned to my nightstand, looking for my sleeping pills. It's the only thing that quiets down my mind, the only thing that gives me relief.

Then I saw the bible that I haven't touched for a long long time. I opened it, and a bookmark fell out.

Be strong to hope, O heart of mine!
Look not on life's dark side;
For just beyond these gloomy hours
Rich, radiant days abide.
Let hope, like summer's rainbow
bright,
Scatter thy falling tears;
And let God's special promises
Dispel all anxious fears.
To every grief a Lethe comes,
For every toil a rest;
So hope, so love, so patient bear -
God doeth all things best.

It was given to me 2 years ago by a friend, when she first learned of the predicament I was in.

Two years later, she's left Melbourne, and I'm back at the same place I was in.

Only this time, I'm no longer hopeful.

Two Steps Back

And I actually believed that things are looking up.

I feel like such an idiot.

One Step Forward

Things finally progressed a little today, right after I whinged about them being stagnant.

For starters, I called my accountant in the morning and inquired (in a very diplomatic way, might I add) about why I was overcharged.

(Yes, for once, yours truly actually summoned enough courage to thicken her facial skin and speak up for herself.)

The accountant paused for a very brief second before quickly responding and proceeded to explain that it was most likely due to a discount code that he must have forgotten to key in when he printed out my invoice. He immediately issued a new invoice on the spot, and it's on its way to me as we speak.

I didn't bother to analyse whether he was being truthful or it was just an excuse to cover up his dirty antics, I'm just glad that I went through with the phone call and stood up for myself.

*Self pats on the back*

I had an interview in the afternoon, which was scheduled at the very last minute. It turned out to be a complete waste of time as the position wasn't what I had expected it to be, so I'll most likely turn it down (yes, again) if I do receive a job offer.

But I did so badly at the interview that I might not even have to struggle with saying "no" afterall. Haha.

Last but not least, yours truly is actually blogging via her own internet connection tonight.

Yeap, after spending many hours on the phone harassing my personal computer geek, aka Bee, my broadband is finally working! And I finally feel connected to the rest of the world. *Grins*

Turned out, the problem wasn't with the connection, but a bad modem. *Rolls eyes*

Oh well, at least some things got done today huh? :)

Stagnant

It's been exactly 4 weeks since I got back to Melbourne, and things have been.....well, stagnant.

Everything seems to be on a standstill. Everyday is the same as the day before.

Nothing gets better, nothing moves forward. On some days, I actually think I should just be glad if things don't go backwards or become worse.

On that note, I'd like to mention that I still don't have my own internet connection yet, no thanks to my stupid ISP and the so called "technical difficulties". They sure didn't have any difficulties in charging my credit card for a service that I have yet to receive though. The payment has gone through for more than 2 weeks now but nope, still no signal on my modem. :|

And I'm still terribly homesick. It seems to be almost impossible to shake it off this time.

You know the feeling you get when you wake up on a particularly gloomy day to realise that everyone else is moving on with their lives but yours is still the same as the day before?

Well, let me tell you, it sucks! Big time.

The truth is, I think I'm actually afraid of moving forward. I am.

Over the past year or so, I've allowed myself to retreat into a shell, and I've allowed others to convince me that I have no rights to pursue my own happiness or to live my life the way I truly want to.

And now I'm back at the crossroad, not sure what I want or which way I want to go.

I'm just lost.

How did I end up here?

Overcharged

The paperwork for my tax return arrived in my mailbox yesterday, alongside with the bill for consultation fees.

I was just about to sign the documents and send out a cheque when Wen pointed out that she was charged a much lower amount by the same tax agent.

So we went to the same accounting firm and the same accountant for the same service, but I was charged 50% more?! And my tax claim is no more complicated, if not much less simpler, than hers.

That's ridiculous!

The worst thing is, this ALWAYS happens to me!

For some mind boggling reasons beyond me, people always tend to overcharge me.

I could walk into the same store and buy the same thing as the person next to me, and I'd be charged more. It's as if I had "water fish" (please direct-translate it into Cantonese, for those of you who understand the dialect) written all over my forehead and people could tell from a mile away.

(And no, I'm not kidding.)

To top it all, being the prim and proper Asian girl the way I was brought up to be, I hate confrontations. Especially when it comes to money.

So more often than not, I'd just politely pay the overpriced amount without standing up for myself while fuming with anger and injustice on the inside.

And believe you me, I'm fuming now!

Not happy, Jane!

On A Good Day.....

I wake up feeling that this is just a phase and it's going to pass.

On a very good day, I actually believe that things are going to get better very very soon and eventually, everything is going to be alright again.

On a good day, I look at the glass as half full and convince myself that uncertainties might not be a bad thing afterall. They can also mean possibilities.

Because nothing is certain, anything is possible. On a good day.

On a good day, I get a glimpse of the person I once was and believe that one day, I can be her again. Confident, happy, thankful, and most of all, someone who still has faith.

Then on the bad days (note: plural), try as I might, I lose all abilities to see the goodness in life and people. Or anything, for that matter.

For the past months or so, or for as long as I can remember, bad days seem to outnumber the good ones. By a long shot.

Today happens to be one of the good days. Simply because it's the first day of a new month.

The beginning of something always makes me feel hopeful, again, because of all the possibilities. So much so that I almost believe there is indeed rainbows after every storm.

And maybe, just maybe, there is a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.

Then I remember what Morty said in Click (2006):

"He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes."