Friday, June 26, 2009

Lost Again


"Have you ever felt like there is no solace in anything, like, wherever you turn, you're just lost?"
~ Felicity Porter (Felicity)

That's exactly how I felt when I was back in Melbourne the previous time.

Every. Single. Day.

Then I decided to hop on a plane back to Malaysia for a break.

To breath, and reboot. As I called it.

It was an incredible 5 weeks. I stopped crying, and learned to laugh again.

Being with him made me feel safe.

In the bigger picture of life, I was still lost. I still didn't know what my next step is, I still couldn't figure out a clear direction that I should be heading towards, I still didn't know what the heck I'm going to do with myself.

But even so, I felt safe. In his arms.

I came back to Melbourne 5 weeks later with a much lighter luggage, but a little more courage and optimism.

I knew that I still didn't have things all figured out, but I felt a little braver this time round.

I was prepared to give it another go, believing that even if that doesn't go well, I was prepared to be more forgiving on myself.

Until I woke up this morning, good feelings are gone.

And the same feeling is back.

I am lost.

Once again.


7 left a petal:

Che-Cheh said...

I guess you must find your passion, a goal or more goals. Or maybe start making babies. :) Hehe

prettybeautiful said...

is it possible to move back to msia for good? :) if yes, i think u should, without any hesitation

Doreen said...

Pick it up and be strong sweetie. I know it is easier said than done, but the worst enemy is always our own self.

emotionalistic said...

Dont push yourself too hard, gal. It's only the matter of time. Take a small step at a time.

sdovelly said...

Be encouraged, taking the first step is always the hardest. But once you have decided what to do, there will be no turning back...

MisSmall said...

Che-Cheh: I honestly think it's not only selfish but also irresponsible to bring a new life into a world when I myself am so unsure of my own direction in life. I don't even know what to do with myself, let alone look after another person.

Prettybeautiful: It's possible, but it's also an option that I would prefer to avoid if I could help it. There are just too many things that I hate about the country that the thought of settling there for long term makes me cringe.

MisSmall said...

Doreen: Then I seem to be too strong an enemy for myself that victory simply feels like something impossible.

Emotionalistic: I don't know where my next step should be, however small it is.

Sdovelly: That sounds scary.