Yesterday

I came across these sentences in a book the other day.

"I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. The insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing, they pollute a potentially wonderful day.....The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history. Yes, it happened. Certainly it hurt. And it may still hurt.....We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from failures of yesterday."

The words hit me like a ton of brick.

That's exactly my problem.

I'm burdened by the failures of yesterday.

I am so paralysed by what I didn't do or failed to do yesterday that I'm unable to do anything today.

I'm grabbing on so tight to the mistakes and failures of yesterday that I'm failing to see the hope and joy of tomorrow.

For not being able to let go of the past, I'm unable to move forward.

Letting go has always been difficult for me. It's a lesson that I could exhaust my whole life, and still not learn it well.

But as I keep piling on the weight from yesterday on my shoulders, I'm forgetting to live today, I'm failing to see tomorrow.

And I need to stop doing that to myself, or the people around me.

I need to leave the past in the past, and accept them as history.

I don't imagine that I'll be able to learn to do it overnight, but maybe, I can start by putting some, just some, things behind me and try to move on.

Maybe I can try to forgive myself for those failures and mistakes, and allow myself to be happy again.

Maybe, I can choose to live tomorrow, if not today, free from failures of yesterday.

It's the last day of winter here in Melbourne.

Here's hoping that soon, the sun will start shining again where I am.

Rainbow

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Judy Garland

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star and
Wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

I saw a rainbow right outside of my window yesterday.

(Okay, maybe not right outside, but close enough.)

It's been drizzling on and off all morning and afternoon.

By evening, the whole place had become grey and misty.

Like being inside a rain drop.

I was sitting on the bed, with my laptop on my laps and a blanket over my feet.

The weather had reminded me of that rainy Autumn evening last year when Bee and I drove back from the Dandenong Ranges.

It was, too, cold and wet, but our hearts were warm and fuzzy. Like how we always are whenever we are together.

When I looked up again, I saw it.

A shiny rainbow hanging in the faint light of the evening sun.

It wasn't there just a few seconds ago, but there it was.

Like a reflex, I grabbed my camera and ran out, in bare feet, to the balcony attached to my bedroom.

I clicked on the button of the camera so fast that I wasn't thinking, in fear that it was going to disappear as quickly as it appeared.

True enough, it only lasted for a brief moment before the sun fully set and the sky turned dark.

But it was a moment to remind me that when all is grey and miserable, it is still possible to have hope.

It was a moment to remember that maybe, just maybe, dreams do come true and troubles do melt like lemon drops.

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Drizzling

I woke up to a drizzling, cold gloomy winter day in Melbourne.

Which, strangely, put me in a rather pleasant mood.

I've always loved staying in during rainy days. It makes me feel safe and protected, like I'm shielded from the harsh weather and even harsher things that are going on in the world outside.

But having been so absorbed in the emotional roller coaster I've been riding, it's been a while since I'm able to stop and learn to appreciate the little things in life.

But this morning, I stopped.

Well, for a brief moment anyway.

I stopped, took a deep breath of the cold fresh air with slight traces of rain, and almost felt like it cleared my head a little.

Maybe it's because I had a(nother) good night sleep.

Maybe it's because the usual annoying intruder on weekends (and weekdays, too) is gone for the next 5 weeks.

Maybe it's because winter is nearly over, and spring is just around the corner.

Maybe it's because most of the side effects had settled down, and my heart is not racing at 120 beats per minute for a change.

Or maybe the roller coaster is just climbing up for a high point before it plunges back down again.

But as I sat down near the window with my raisin toast and English Breakfast tea this morning, I started to notice the little things I have forgotten for a while.

The smell of melted butter on toast. The sensation of cold crisp air brushing against the skin. The sound of leaves ruffling in the wind. The taste of 2 sugars in my tea. The colours of those little birds braving the rain.

I can't quite see the sunshine coming through those dark gloomy clouds yet, but I almost caught a glimpse of the person I once was.

Almost.

Different

So it's the third day.

And I guess I'm beginning to notice some difference.

Or maybe I'm just too eager for the symptoms to improve that I hallucinated the difference. :|

For starter, I actually had a good night sleep with the help of a lower dose of Stilnox, which is definitely an improvement from a few days ago.

The chest pain and palpitations have improved significantly, but my left arm still feels weak and I still get that weird feeling that I'm unable to empty my bladder completely.

Bee fixed the problem with adjusting the brightness of my laptop screen on Ubuntu, so it's dimmer now and hurting my eyes less, but I can't say that my sensitivity to lights have shown much improvement.

And I had the 15th lesson for my Secret Project Australia in the afternoon, which, as usual, left me feeling like a complete failure for not being able to master something so simple that people do on a daily basis.

Oh well.

Despite all that, there is something quite different that I'm feeling today, yet I can't pinpoint what it is.

It feels different, but I can't even tell whether it's good-different, or bad-different.

So much so that it freaked me out a little in the morning.

It's a bizarre feeling.

Am I losing touch with reality that I can't even get a grasp of my own feelings?

Or have I just been miserable for too long that even normal feels foreign to me now?

Indifferent

Is the word that popped up in my head as I pulled up a blank post.

That's probably the closest word I can think of to describe how I feel on this second day of stopping the antidepressant that sent my system haywire.

Not particularly better, but not exactly worse either.

The side effects still linger on today. Some worse than the others, but nothing of significant changes from yesterday.

Despite feeling like a soggy gurney sack, I kept the appointment for my Secret Project Australia in the evening.

It's my 14th lesson today, and I guess the same word can be used to describe my progress since I started the lessons more than a month ago.

Not significantly worse, but not significantly better either.

It's been said that if you're not improving, then you're not exactly moving forward.

But then again, sometimes in life, maybe we should just be glad that we're not going backwards.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself on a Thursday like this.

Migraine

It's my first day to come off the antidepressant.

(Okay, that sounded more severe than it actually is because, afterall, I've only been on it for a week.)

The unpleasant side effects still haven't gone away, which is a little concerning even though it wasn't realistic to expect them to.

The only consolation is probably that the chest pain and palpitations have become a little less intense. I think.

Instead of feeling that someone is constantly throwing heavy punches right where my heart is, it now feels more like someone had punched me 2 days ago and there is a bruise on my left chest. *Shrugs*

But the urination hesitation and insomnia are driving me mental. I keep waking up every few hours into sleep, even with a higher dose of Stilnox than what I normally take.

And as cherry on top of the icing, the sensitivity to lights seems to worsen that now I can't even look at my laptop screen directly and the down lights in my room are hurting my eyes.

(Which consequently led me to discover that Ubuntu doesn't allow you to adjust the brightness of your LCD screen. Well, at least mine doesn't. How stupid. *Rolls eyes*)

Then a headache kicked in.

As I have to take some pain killers and turn off all the lights to lie down in a dark room, as funny as it sounds, I'm actually hoping that I'm having a migraine.

At least that would explain the photophobia, which is really starting to worry me.

At least then I know that if I get through the headache, I won't have to squint at the slightest lights anymore.

At least that would mean that there's nothing seriously wrong with my eyes.

So I guess I'm gonna go lie down now and start wishing that this is, indeed, a migraine.

Oh let it be a migraine!

Great!

Barely a week into the treatment, I have to be taken off the antidepressant because I was experiencing some serious side effects.

Rapid and intense heart palpitations. Urination hesitation. Sensitivity to lights. Myoclonus. Insomnia. Clenching of teeth during sleep. Fatigue. Dizziness. Loss of appetite. Increased sweating. Anxiety. Headache.

You name it, I've got it.

The side effects that I experienced stretch further than the list of adverse effects provided by the manufacturer, and beyond.

Funny thing is, I didn't experience the least bit of the most usual side effect - nausea, but only the really uncommon ones.

Guess there really is something about my body that works differently from normal human beings. :|

I was really hoping that the unwanted effects are something that would eventually settle down when my body has adjusted itself to the medication because I was really counting on it to work, but things got really bad when I started to develop an unusual chest pain and my left arm felt weak.

I think I began to freak out on Monday night when the pain continued to intensify as though someone had thrown a heavy punch right where my heart is, and there was a slight burning sensation in my left chest.

I immediately scheduled an appointment with my GP today, during which we both agreed that it just wasn't the right drug for me since it was doing more harm than good.

So of course, it isn't a wise thing to continue taking it, and it has to be stopped right away.

But since I've taken my morning dose (anyway), I'm still currently having this worrying pain in my left chest, alongside with the other unpleasant side effects.

For now, I can only wait and see if the symptoms subside upon ceasing the medication.

Oh what a joy ride!

Antidepressant

I started my course of antidepressant today.

It's a long and hard road to recovery.

And success is not guaranteed.

But I miss being happy.

I miss being me.

Unwell

I believe I speak for most, or at least some, healthcare professionals that it feels a little odd sometimes when we're on the receiving end of medical care instead of providing it.

It makes you feel like you're not strong or good enough.

And it almost makes you feel like there's something terribly wrong with you because you're so used to being the tough one to care for others instead of needing help.

Or maybe it's just me. The perfectionist in me.

As much as I understand that depression doesn't discriminate and it can happen to almost anyone, there are still times that I can't help but feel like I've failed myself to be in this position.

Like I should know better. Or be tougher, and wiser.

I guess the lesson that I need to learn is to accept that everybody hurts sometimes, and it's completely okay.

I gotta start believing that sometimes, it's okay to be weak, because we can't be strong all the time.

And sometimes, it's okay to admit that we need that extra bit of help when we're unwell.

Most importantly, I need to believe that I will be well again.

Sooner, or later.

Defeated

I had my first appointment in a long long time with a psychologist today.

I no longer know how to handle my emotions that seem to just spiral out of control like a tornado, destroying everything in the path and above all, myself.

The sense of powerlessness and hopelessness that runs through my body day in and day out is wearing me out, eating me away bit by bit without anyone realising it.

For the longest time, I tried to deny it, thinking that I should be tougher than my problems, I should be strong enough to fight it on my own, and I shouldn't be defeated so easily.

I should be able to do this. I should!

But depression is like emotional quicksand. The more you struggle and fight to get out of it, the deeper you sink.

It slowly drains away all energy and hope left in you, including those little things that define who you are as a person, leaving you sinking deeper and deeper with each passing day.

Eventually, you give up fighting, because you don't even have the energy and will power to scream for help anymore.

Everything is an effort, and every effort is just another futile attempt that is gonna leave you feeling even more helpless than before.

So I guess, no matter how unwilling I am to admit it, I am. Defeated.

I simply do not have the ability to be happy anymore.

Gutted!

I was transferring a folder of pictures from the desktop to one of the partitions on my laptop last night when the laptop decided to overheat and shut down by itself.

For some reason, it's been doing a lot of that lately despite the aid of a cooling pad. :|

When I restarted the computer, half of the pictures in that folder were gone and no where to be retrieved!

They were mostly haul pictures I took for the blog over the past few months (trust me when I say that I've been needing LOTS of retail therapy because of the terrible terrible mood I've been in) but never got around to posting them no thanks to my procrastinating nature.

And now, they're gone! I think I lost more than 2GB of pictures? *Sighs*

The worst thing is, I can't remember what were in those pictures given how bad I am at keeping track of my impulse shopping, so I won't be able to re-take them.

Oh well , who am I kidding? Even if I did remember what they were, I don't think I would know where half of those stuff are now either, so..... *Shrugs*

Oh I feel so gutted!

*Bangs head on keyboard*

But I guess I only have myself to blame for procrastinating and um, doing "cut and paste" instead of "copy and paste" on a laptop which has the tendency to overheat and turn off by itself.

I'm such an idiot! Ugh!

Dream

I dreamt of myself last night.

Or rather, the person I once was. Just a few years ago.

Someone who has faith and hope. In things, in people, and in herself.

Someone who is full of life and has the whole world going for her.

Someone who believes that life is a matter of your own choices.

Someone who is strong and doesn't admit defeat easily.

Someone who believes that she can do anything she puts her heart and mind into.

Someone who is young, vibrant, and colourful. Inspiring, even.

Someone who, no matter how bad things get, always manages to see the good in everyone and everything.

Someone who believes.

My fear is, I might never be her again.

The girl who wears flowers in her hair and dances around the field.

The girl who smiles just because she's happy.

I'm afraid I might never be me again.

Happy

When you're battling depression, one thing that you'll learn to do quickly is faking a smile.

It's so much easier to fake being happy than to explain why you're not. And it's just easier on everyone else this way.

Who doesn't prefer to see a smiling face than teary eyes?

After a while, you get so good at faking it that you start to forget how happiness really feels like.

Or when was the last time you were smiling genuinely without feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders.

These days, the only time in a day that I could convince myself that happiness is not such an impossible thing is the brief period between after I've taken my Stilnox and before it knocks me out.

It's the only time in a day that I could manage to stop faking, stop worrying, and stop thinking.

Just. Stop.

One Day At A Time

Everyday, I'm one day away from giving up.

Everyday, I tell myself to just try to hang on for another day.

Because that's honestly all I can handle.

One day at a time.

And nothing more.

Do Not Give Up

不要放棄
讚美之泉

當你孤單的時候 不要氣餒
當你在十字路口時 不要徘徊
當你難過的時候 擦乾淚水
當失望的時候 不要放棄 不要放棄！

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
打開心胸吧　神要擴張啦！
張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
大聲宣告吧　神要擴張啦！

張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
打開心胸吧　神要擴張啦！
張大眼睛看　神要開路啦！　
大聲宣告吧　神要擴張啦！

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

大聲唱　　哈利路亞　歡喜快樂吧！勇敢往前踏！
大聲唱　　哈利路亞　活出神放在　心中的藍圖和盼望

緊緊抓住祂　就會有希望　
所以不要放棄　不要放棄　不要放棄啊！

It was a night when there was no moonlight and no stars.

I tried my hardest, but I just couldn't find a trace of light where I was.

And then I heard this song.

It doesn't mean that all my problems are just gonna go away, it doesn't even mean that I'm gonna start feeling better when I wake up tomorrow, but that moment, that particular moment, I felt that He was talking to me.

He was asking me not to give up.

Black Hole

Battling Mixed Anxiety Depressive Disorder is like free falling in the black hole.

You see no end because you just don't believe you'll ever be normal again, and you see no beginning because you can't remember what it felt like to be normal.

Everyday, you fall a little deeper.

Everyday, you lose a little more of the person you once were.

Everyday, you become more broken than the day before.

There's no light, no hope, and no escape.

And the scariest thing is, there is no bottom too.

So you just keep on falling.