Defeated

I had my first appointment in a long long time with a psychologist today.

I no longer know how to handle my emotions that seem to just spiral out of control like a tornado, destroying everything in the path and above all, myself.

The sense of powerlessness and hopelessness that runs through my body day in and day out is wearing me out, eating me away bit by bit without anyone realising it.

For the longest time, I tried to deny it, thinking that I should be tougher than my problems, I should be strong enough to fight it on my own, and I shouldn't be defeated so easily.

I should be able to do this. I should!

But depression is like emotional quicksand. The more you struggle and fight to get out of it, the deeper you sink.

It slowly drains away all energy and hope left in you, including those little things that define who you are as a person, leaving you sinking deeper and deeper with each passing day.

Eventually, you give up fighting, because you don't even have the energy and will power to scream for help anymore.

Everything is an effort, and every effort is just another futile attempt that is gonna leave you feeling even more helpless than before.

So I guess, no matter how unwilling I am to admit it, I am. Defeated.

I simply do not have the ability to be happy anymore.