Sunday, November 13, 2005


Sometimes I feel like I'm merely living.

I'm not happy with work. I'm not passionate about what I do everyday. I don't get that exciting buzz in my head when I wake up every morning to go to work.

My boss is one of those most immoral hypocrites you can imagine. For the life in me, I can't understand how is she allowed to practise in healthcare. And I can't really say a thing about it. That's how she's been for 60 years of her life, she's not about to change now just because of some idealist fresh out of uni.

At work, I'm not doing the right things like I'm supposed to as an ethical professional. I'm asked to see it as more of a business, because at the end of the day, the business pays my wages. It kills me sometimes when I think about it.

What makes it worse is that I don't have the option of quitting because I'm bound by contract to finish my traineeship and fulfill the requirements needed by the Board. If I intended on obtaining my professional registration, I'm just gonna have to grit my teeth and bear with it.

For most of 2005, I've been so busy juggling between studying and assignments and working and training workshops and seminars that I hardly had time for anything else. The number of times I've been clubbing this year is less than what I used to do in a month. I hardly have time to hang out with friends because I'm normally too tired after work and even on weekends.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, but he's not here with me. We talk on the phone everyday and we love each other very much. But we're not sharing a life together.

He's not here when I come home from work and I'm not there when he goes to bed at night. In total, we've seen each other for less than a month this year.

I'm merely living.

And I thought everything will get better once I'm done with this traineeship and finally get my license to practise.

Then I can go on a long holiday with Bee. Then I can have more time to myself when I don't have to worry about assignment deadlines and exams. Then I can start to enjoy what this city has to offer. Then I can choose a work place where I'll be motivated and excited about going to work everyday. Then I can be more in control of my life instead of blindly fulfilling what the Board expects me to do. Then I can be completely free of all hassles and start living my life.

Now, all the 'then' is not gonna happen.

I'm back to merely living again.