Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Verdict

I failed.

Though it was somewhat expected, I still feel shitty about it.

I woke up around 9am today. The result was going to be released via email at 2pm.

So I ate something, and forced myself to go back to sleep.

I had a dream. In the dream, I found out that I failed.

I woke up, looked at the clock. It was only 12noon. So I went back to sleep again.

Then I had another dream. This time, I passed.

Of course then I woke up and realised that it was just a dream. Bugger!

I turned on my computer, logged onto the internet, and waited.

The email came at 1.50pm.

"Dear candidate, you have been unsuccessful in the Board examination at this attempt."

I was surprisingly calm. I saw it coming.

We were asked to contact the chief examiner to discuss our results. And I did.

Nothing she said was something I didn't know about. My current traineeship is doing me no good, I knew that long time ago. I was hoping that all the cramming would cover up what I didn't get to learn in everyday practice, but it didn't. The examiners felt that I haven't had enough exposure to different areas in my professional practice, which was fair enough.

I don't know what is going to happen next. They might want me to go to a different setting for another 3 months of supervised practice before I can re-sit the exam next year.

The thing is, I don't even know whether I want to do it again.

I'm just lost.

I know that it's none of my fault. I know that no one blames me for not making it. I know that my family and Bee will love no matter what the outcome was. I know that I always have a choice. I know that it doesn't reflect anything of who I am and what I'm capable of. I know that it's no big deal. I know that the world will keep spinning and the sun will continue to shine.

But it still hurts like a bitch.