Friday, November 11, 2005

Random Thoughts

I'm still sad. I can't shake the sorrow.

I don't handle failures very well. I failed once 5 years ago, I'm still recovering from that. Just when I'm about to get over it, it struck me again.

That's how they work, isn't it? To get you when you're just about to forget all about it.

I don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. I just want to hide in a shell and feel sorry for myself.

After the verdict, I started getting emails from coursemates. Some of them passed, some of the failed.

It made me feel slightly better to know that I'm not alone in this, that I'll have someone to go through this whole thing with. Doesn't mean that I'm glad they failed too, but let's be honest, it does suck if you're the only loser who didn't pass.

My confidence is bruised.

Everyone's been telling me that too much was expected of me and even someone who's had 10 years of experience can't answer some of the questions I got. But still, they're practising happily while I have to go through the Board exam again to prove that I'm worthy to be recognised as a competent healthcare professional. But of course, it's only fair that we get picked on because we're young and fresh out of uni. :|

I want to go home. I'm homesick. I want to wear my old pajamas and watch TV for 20 hours a day. I want to not take shower for days and no one can complain that I smell because I'm in a bad mood. I want my brothers to put on silly act to try to make me laugh. I want mum to call home every half an hour to check on me and to see what I feel like eating. I want dad to bring home my favourite supper and leave them on the dining table because he's the typical Chinese man who's never good at expressing his emotions even when he cares so much. I want a maid to clean my bathroom and make my bed because I'm sick of doing them myself.

I'm a spoilt brat. Bite me.

I feel so lonely these days. I'm no good in handling things all by myself. I need someone to be around, but I'm too choosy with who I invite into that special space of mine.

The only other person I want to see now is my Bee. He can bring me out for dinners and movies when I don't feel like going out to see anyone I know. He can buy me things to cheer me up because retail therapy always works. He can take me into his arms and tell me that I'm still his perfect princess. He can pat my back and stroke my hair when I cry.

I miss him.

I still love my life. I have a family that loves me unconditionally and the best boyfriend anyone can hope for. I have all to myself an one bedroom apartment located right in the heart of one of the best cities in the world. I have friends who will be there for me whenever I come out of my shell.

This is just a small bump in the road.

I'll be alright, in time.

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
Even darkness must pass.
A new day will come.
And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer.
~ Samwise Gamgee (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)