Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I've Got the Blues

I'm in an emotional wreck.

I've cried so much in the past few weeks that I didn't think I could cry anymore, but tears just roll down my cheeks without myself realising it when I'm staring into nothing.

I feel like I had fallen into a deep deep hole with no lights. It's pitch black where I'm at, and I can't find my way out. I cried for help, but no one could hear me.

No one understands how lonely and terrified I feel. Even the person closest to me.

On some days, I'm convinced that I'm depressed. Then on most days, I feel the need to put up a smile on my face.

Because that's what everyone expects me to be. Strong, happy, and content.

Anything short of that, I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't appreciate what I have. Anything short of that, I'm un-understanding or trying to be difficult.

So I smile, even when I feel all hollow and empty inside. Because I have to. Because it's easier on everyone this way.

The truth is, I'm tired of fighting for every single thing that I shouldn't have to. I'm tired of constantly trying to make a point when others would just end up brushing it aside. I'm tired of feeling so alone because no one understands how I really feel deep down inside. I'm tired of taking care of others when all I really want is to be taken care of. I'm tired of being me.

I don't want to be strong, happy and content because I'm not! Why do I just have to be okay so that it's easy on everyone else?!

I'm tired. I really am.

I just want to go to sleep, and not wake up.

Only then, I'm truly at peace. Only then, my mind will quiet down.

I'm sure some of you realise that I often disable the comments on my more emotional posts. I do it because I know how difficult it is to offer a word of comfort when you clearly know that it won't help with the situation.

And please understand that I just don't want to say "I'm fine" when I really am not. I do that enough in my real life.

I'm tired.