Anxiety Disorder

I've been having anxiety attacks for the past few days that I'm just about ready to give up now.

I just can't take this anymore!

Slump

I feel like I'm in a slump.

I'm so unmotivated and uninspired that I could just scream!

Or maybe I'll just roll over and sleep because I probably wouldn't even be bothered to scream. That's how unmotivated I am. :|

It's been nearly 4 weeks since I got back to Melbourne and the only thing that I've actually done is attending that one lesson for my secret project.

Other than that, I've just been lazing around doing absolutely nothing at all.

I haven't even been seeing or talking to that many people because I simply don't have the energy to conduct a conversation with anyone. Even the effort to get out of bed every morning is unbearably draining.

Ironically, someone told me the other day that she envies my lifestyle and wishes she could take a long break from work like I did.

"Oh, to have a life and to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want!" She exclaimed.

I smiled politely, not knowing how to tell her that the only reason I'm not going back to work just yet is because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I didn't have the words to tell her how terrified and lost I feel, not having a direction in my life but only wandering aimlessly in the dark.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

What may seem like greener pasture from where you are standing, might just be a swampy backwater that with each and every step, one only sinks deeper into the muddy stagnancy.

Here We Go Again Part Deux

So I finally got off my lazy ass and took the first lesson for my "Secret Project Australia".

The 45-minutes lesson was relatively short compared to those intensive 2-hours lessons I had in Malaysia, and it took me more than a week just to get an appointment! @_@

But over here, I'm actually learning the proper ways of doing things, instead of just trying to pass the test not understanding what the heck I'm doing, so I'm glad.

I can't exactly gauge how I feel about it yet, I guess I'll know after a few more lessons.

My instructor is an old man who coincidentally has the same name as my ex-big boss. It's freaky that he even talks and looks like him! They both have this poker face expression that I never know when they're joking and when they're not, which is a little annoying.

Oh well. *Shrugs*

I guess here we go again.

Dream of Fashion World

I've spent too much time watching shows like Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and The Rachel Zoe Project that I think they've gone to my head.

Seeing how brave and determined those talented people strive for their passion almost made me want to pursue my own little dream about having a career in fashion.

Almost, I said. *Smiles*

I acknowledge the fact that I lack the creativity and skills to be a designer, or the height and body to be a model, but I do have a good eye for beautiful things and my own sense of style. So maybe something like a stylist or fashion buyer?

Or I could always take up Bee's offer in opening a small and quaint little boutique of my own.

But of course, I'm also too much of a lazy bum to start from scratch again, and not enough of a risk taker to venture out of my comfort zone to explore a new, to say the least, career path.

So I guess all I'll end up doing about this reignited childish dream of mine is to go shopping for a new dress.

If the closest I can ever come to living in the fashion world is owning a closet full of fabulous dresses and shoes, I guess I can live with that.

*Shrugs*

As long as I also get to buy as many bags as I want.

And there goes my ambitious Thursday.

You know you love me!

XOXO

When Dreams Come True

When God Made You
Newsong
feat Natalie Grant

It's always been a mystery to me
How two hearts can come together
And love can last forever
But now that I have found you, I believe
That a miracle has come
When God sends the perfect one
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

I promise that wherever you may go
Wherever life may lead you
With all my heart I'll be there too
From this moment on I want you to know
I'll let nothing come between us
And I will love the ones you love
Now gone are all my questions about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true
When God made you
He must have been thinking about me

He made the sun He made the moon
To harmonize in perfect tune
One can't move without the other
They just have to be together
And that is why I know it's true
You're for me and I'm for you
'Cause my world just can't be right
Without you in my life

I wonder what God was thinking
When He created you
I wonder if He knew everything I would need
Because He made all my dreams come true

He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Yes he knew everything I would need
When God made you
When dreams come true
He must have been thinking about me

Though there are times that I cannot see clearly, but my heart always knew.

That there is no other one for me.

We may both be imperfect beings, but we are perfect together.

Like how we always think of the same thing at the same time.

Like how we could have fun doing absolutely nothing at all, but just being in each other's company.

Like how we've been playing this silly PB & Jelly alter ego game for the past few days, then I found this video while trying to write this entry, and my heart skipped a beat at 3'05".

Happy 11th wedding monthiversary, poobee.

I love you.

Forever yours,
Jelly

Two Weeks

It's been exactly two weeks since I got back to Melbourne, and I'm not feeling any better.

It just seems to be getting harder and harder each time I do this.

Is that even possible?

Shouldn't things get easier with practice, but not the other way round?

*Sighs*

Anyhoo, I want to thank those of you sweet sweet gals who took the time to email or send me cute e-cards to cheer me up.

I am fine, just seriously homesick and depressed.

("Homesick" and "depressed" really shouldn't be in the same sentence with "fine", but you get what I mean.)

I'm not sure if a whiny spoilt brat like me deserves so much kindness, but I'm grateful. You girls are such a bunch of darlings! *Hugs*

I'm sorry that I've been rather slow in writing back or answering some of the queries you girls have, I just haven't been up for anything lately.

But I promise I will, as soon as I feel better.

Till then, I hope everyone is well. *Smiles*

Favourite word of the day: Whimsical

Thursday Blues

I woke up this morning, and my mood took a sharp turn for the worse.

All I want to do is to go back to sleep.

I want to be strong, I really do.

And I'm trying really hard to be.

But I'm afraid I am just not.

Mondayitis

It's the first Monday since I got back to Melbourne, and I'm already having a bad start to the week.

It all started with a lousy dinner on Sunday night.

Now we all know how crucial a good Sunday night dinner is to help to reduce those Monday blues, don't we?

Or is it just me? *Shrugs*

Last night, against all my better judgements, I allowed myself to walk into Pacific BBQ Cafe on Lonsdale Street (sister of the famous Pacific Seafood BBQ House in Richmond) because I was lured by the crispy skin roast pork displayed in the window and Wen had craving for roast duck.

Maybe I've just been away for too long that I had forgotten all about the kind of crappy service we get in HongKie restaurants around here, but seriously, the customer service was shocking!

First we were asked to share a table, which I hate, even when there were plenty of empty seats around and the place wasn't even full.

While we're on that note, I'd like to mention that Wen and I had concluded that 3 is the best number to dine out in Chinese restaurants (those without a white table cloth and wine glasses) in Melbourne. You will most likely get a table with 4 seats so you will have some personal space without feeling so crammed up like you're gonna knock something or someone over all the time, and you will have some distance from the other tables so you don't have strangers sitting next to you listening in on your entire conversation.

(Oh my God, did that just sound as sad as I think it sounded?)

Anyway, back to my story about my bad Sunday night dinner.

With a little luck, Wen and I actually got a tiny table to ourselves. Before we could sit down and take our coats off, the waitress was ready to take our orders. Not to mention that she insisted on speaking to us in Mandarin without asking if we understood the language even when we placed our order in English.

Okay, fine, I admit I'm being a tad bitchy about this, though I didn't show my displease at the time, because I had a horrible weekend with some really annoying guests in my apartment.

Our food came, my barbecued pork (char siew) and crispy skin roast pork were juicy and succulent, no complaints there. But the moment Wen put down her chopsticks, when she's barely half way through her roast duck noodles, a waiter popped up from nowhere, extended his arm, and wanted to collect her plate! Wtf?!

Every 5 minutes, I swear, the same waiter would appear and ask if we were done with our food. Now this all happened when the restaurant was not full and there were plenty of empty tables around. How rude is that?!

Oh, and we are not slow eaters, in case you're wondering.

Wen and I got so annoyed with him asking every 5 minutes that we simply let the waiter collected our plates when we were not even finished. I figured maybe he was just really eager to do his very important job of sending as many plates back to the kitchen as possible. *Rolls eyes*

After our plates were gone, I took a sip of my Coke with lemon, and the bill came without us asking for it. In under a minute! That's gotta be a world's record or something.

It was just slammed onto our table, without any explanation. And the same waiter started harassing the customers in the next table for their plates.

I understand your need of super fast turnover of tables in order to make as much moolah as possible in one night, but did you really have to be so blunt and abrupt while you're doing it? Would phrases like "please" and "thank you" kill you, really?

And maybe, just maybe, you can relax a little and give your customers a break when the place wasn't even full and there was clearly no line at the door?

Funny thing is, I don't see anyone rushing this Caucasian couple who's been there long before us and were slowly enjoying their meal with a bottle of BYO red wine.

It disgusts me sometimes how us Asians treat our own kind but would go out of our ways to lick the bottom of shoes of someone with a different skin colour.

And then there was this creepy man who kept staring at our table. He wasn't in his uniform, so initially I thought he's a customer waiting for our table, but turned out, he does work there. So maybe he's like the second phase "attack" after the waiter?

He was staring so rudely that I actually stared back at one point because I was that upset! He looked away for a bit, but started staring again soon after, inching closer to our table like an irritating fly.

The horror dining experience ended when Wen and I got bored with this seemingly impossible battle defending a customer's right to their table so they could at least finish their food and drinks that we decided to just leave.

And you'll be proud to know that we didn't tip that night. :|

With a bad weekend and a bad Sunday dinner in my pocket, I woke up this morning only to find that one of the annoying guests whom I've been trying to avoid like the plague is still in my apartment, and shows no intention of leaving anytime soon.

So no, I guess I'm not having that great a Monday.

I certainly hope yours is a better one.

Dancing

"Dancing is...is..is...losing yourself to the music.
It's as if you're not conscious of anything else.
It's as if you become the only one in the room."
~ Ally McBeal (Ally McBeal)

I want to go dancing.

I miss dancing.

I miss loud music and skimpy outfits. I miss doing shots with funky names until I'm completely wasted. I miss standing next to the woofers blasting out bass strong enough to shake the grounds and feeling like each beat is hitting so hard on my heart that my heart is going to stop.

Did I ever tell you that I love trance and techno?

(And yes, the infamous Melbourne Shuffle. Naturally.)

It's the loneliest music in the world.

It makes you feel completely isolated even when you're surrounded by a crazy crowd, as if you are the only person on the dance floor.

Or the whole world.

Even when you're rubbing shoulders with a dozen of sweaty strangers next to you, even when the laser light show is blinding your eyes, even when the club reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, all you have to do is to close your eye, and the room is completely empty.

All the noises are blocked out, including those of your own.

Like the little voice in your head that is always telling you to do the right things or act the right way, like the voices of people and yourself asking you what are you planning to do with your life, like the questions you have been asking yourself ten thousand times a day and still don't have an answer for.

All of a sudden, the world is on a standstill, and there is nothing else left besides the music.

Only you, the loud bass, and your heartbeats.

It's defeating silence. It's complete solitary. It's absolute freedom.

It's liberating.

So yes, I miss dancing.

And I miss being young.

Bleeding

There are several wounds on my body that are healing.

One in my heart that is never going to.

And last night, you just added another one.

Right where it hurts the most.

Lost Again

"Have you ever felt like there is no solace in anything, like, wherever you turn, you're just lost?"
~ Felicity Porter (Felicity)

That's exactly how I felt when I was back in Melbourne the previous time.

Every. Single. Day.

Then I decided to hop on a plane back to Malaysia for a break.

To breath, and reboot. As I called it.

It was an incredible 5 weeks. I stopped crying, and learned to laugh again.

Being with him made me feel safe.

In the bigger picture of life, I was still lost. I still didn't know what my next step is, I still couldn't figure out a clear direction that I should be heading towards, I still didn't know what the heck I'm going to do with myself.

But even so, I felt safe. In his arms.

I came back to Melbourne 5 weeks later with a much lighter luggage, but a little more courage and optimism.

I knew that I still didn't have things all figured out, but I felt a little braver this time round.

I was prepared to give it another go, believing that even if that doesn't go well, I was prepared to be more forgiving on myself.

Until I woke up this morning, good feelings are gone.

And the same feeling is back.

I am lost.

Once again.

Not Another Smile

I had dinner with Wen in Lygon.

I picked the restaurant. Lygon Street is one of my favourite parts of Melbourne, and tonight, I desperately needed to be reminded of why I once loved the city so much.

Dinner was great. I ordered my favourite pasta, she had her usual risotto. We chatted, we laughed, and we filled each other in with things that's been happening in our lives.

As usual, I felt the need to put up a brave face and a smile. I spoke of my time off as if it was a getaway in Bahamas, I told one of the sad stories that broke my heart like I was telling a joke I heard from someone else.

Maybe it's just the Aries in me.

Maybe I just never got over those two powerful lines that I read in a poem as a teen - "Laugh, and the world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.".

I have welcome-back dinners lined up every day this week. Italian with Wen tonight, Greek with Cathy tomorrow, Shanghainese dumplings with Dorothy and her boyfriend the day after.

But all I want to do is to stay in bed and cover my face with a blanket so my tears can flow freely.

I just don't have the energy to fake another smile.

Sleep

I spent my first day back in Melbourne drifting in and out of sleep.

I'm not tired or jet-lagged. Sleeping is just one of my ways trying to escape from reality.

I know I've done this a thousand times before and I should be used to it by now, but I am not.

I know how people are going to tell me that it's gonna get better with time so just try to be strong for now, but at the moment, I really can't see how this is gonna get any easier.

Can someone actually die from loneliness?

You know what? Don't answer that.

I'm going back to sleep.

Decision

I made a decision yesterday.

I don't know whether it was the right thing to do.

The fact is, I might never know.

Having to make that decision broke my heart. A small part of me died with it.

My heart aches so badly that it might never be able to heal completely.

I guess my only consolation comes from knowing that we are going through this together.

That I have you by my side, and I am not alone.

Did you realise that it was the first major decision we've had to make as a couple?

It's just sad that it had to be under such difficult and unfortunate circumstances.

A line from an old TV series brought me a little comfort during a particularly sad moment the other day:

"Sometimes in a relationship, going through hell isn't so bad if you come out of it a little stronger."
~ Sally (Felicity)

You know, for the longest time, it feels like our lives have been clouded over by a gloomy haze that is almost impossible to to see through.

It's daunting, depressing, and discouraging.

I don't know how or when this phase of our lives is going to clear up and we will be on the way up again.

I can only hope that when we do, we will come out of it stronger, and closer than ever.

And this would have been worth it.

Goodnight, My Someone

Goodnight, My Someone
Kristin Chenoweth
(The Music Man)

Goodnight, my someone
Goodnight, my love
Sleep tight, my someone
Sleep tight, my love
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight

Sweet dreams be yours, dear
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight

True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are

Sweet dreams be yours, dear
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
Goodnight
Goodnight

Such Is Life

Just when I thought my biggest worry now is about returning to Melbourne next Tuesday or the healing of my dental wounds, I'm faced with a decision that is almost impossible for me to make.

One that is made even harder by knowing that no matter which way I go, life will never be the same again.

I don't know how to. I can't. I don't want to.

But I have to.

C'est la vie!

It Never Gets Easier

As I turn on my laptop and pull up a new blank post on blogger, it suddenly dawns on me that I'm actually leaving next Tuesday.

Which is exactly a week from today.

I thought it would be easier to leave this time. I really did.

After all, this was only meant to be a short trip from the very first beginning.

It was never meant to be anything else but a quick break for me to clear my head and gather my thoughts.

Or maybe I should say, to breathe, and reboot.

But why is it that I think of leaving and the air caught in my chest? Why is it that I'm not the least bit excited about escaping this scorching weather?

Maybe, it doesn't matter what you tell yourself, it doesn't matter how well you've prepared your heart, it just never gets easier to leave.

Never.

Be Careful What Your Heart Wishes For

'Cause they might just come true.

You know how every girl secretly wishes that we could do nothing but just stay in bed and binge on ice-cream and cakes all day, guilt-free?

Well, guess what? All you have to do is to have your wisdom teeth removed and, voila!

All of a sudden, you no longer have to feel bad about eating too much ice-cream because it's rightfully prescribed by the doctor.

Even the person who normally nags you endlessly about eating a healthy diet *hints hints* will now have to zip da lips because you're simply following doctor's orders. How cool is that? Haha.

And because your face literally look like one, you have every right to just laze around and be a couch potato. *Points at self - Miss Potatohead*

Tempted yet?

Just give your dentist a call and book in that appointment, darlings.

*Evil laughs*

Anyhoo, since I was bored out of my mind, I decided to show you what's on the menu for me today.

I had fat-free yoghurt and a huge cup of fresh fruit juice this morning. It's prolly the healthiest breakfast I've had in a long long time.

This butter cake is so fine and smooth that it literally melts in your mouth, which is perfect for me since it requires minimal chewing. Haha.

Bee got me this frozen mille crêpe thingy to cheer me up on Saturday, after he commented that my face looked like a papaya. :|

They don't look too impressive in pictures, kinda like mouldy cakes? (I know, eww!)

But it actually tastes pretty decent, much like frozen ice-cream cakes.

Speaking of which, time for ice cream!

I never knew that Bud's Ice Cream of San Francisco is manufactured in Thailand, did you?

Their Cookies and Cream failed to impress though, nothing to shout about.

Ben & Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup, on the other hand, is in a totally different league.

This picture doesn't do it justice at all, there are huge chunks of chocolate and nuts hidden underneath. Yum!

(Once again, it'd probably help if I could actually chew? *Rolls eyes*)

Friends' been telling me that most of them lost weight while recovering from their wisdom teeth extraction. With a diet like this, I really don't see how that's going to happen to me.

In fact, I see a higher chance of me packing on some extra pounds at the end of this ordeal. @_@

And now, I really really want a big plate of hot-off-the-wok char kuey teow!

Have I Told You Lately

Have I Told You Lately
Rod Stewart

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do

For the morning sun in all its glory
Greets the day with hope and comfort too
You fill my life with laughter
And somehow you make it better
Ease my troubles that's what you do

There's a love that's divine
And its yours and its mine like the sun
And at the end of the day
We should give thanks and pray
To the one, to the one

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that's what you do

Some 65 months ago, all my childhood dreams came true when you told me that you love me.

Those dreams about meeting the perfect guy and he loves you too, those dreams that we were told to tuck away because they only happen in fairytales.

I smiled, and pretended that I wasn't the least bit surprised, but I was sure the sparkles in my eyes gave me away. All the sound faded away, for in that moment, my heart sang a song that was never heard before.

65 months later, I still can't believe that I've found my Prince Charming and he loves me back.

Sometimes I look at you from across the room, and I couldn't help but feel thankful for how lucky I am. My heart flutters a little, like a teenager newly in love; I sighed with much contentment and disbelief, like what I did after our first date.

And that's how I still love you, like the day we met.

Happy 65-month anniversary.

Miss Pumpkinface

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is your captain, Miss Pumpkinface speaking.

Yeap yeap, that's me, Miss My-Face-Looks-Like-A-Butternut-Pumpkin!

As you can see, it's only the 3rd day into my so called recuperation from my wisdom teeth extraction, and I'm already losing my marbles. :|

I woke up this morning and, literally, couldn't remember what day it is. I think I've been couped up at home for too long that I'm losing touch with the outside world. :(

I got real bored later on that I decided to tag along when Bee went for one of his many ice-cream runs for me at Village Grocer. I hid in the car (in the underground car park) the entire time though, very Phantom-like behaviour. Haha.

I guess the only thing worse than not being able to go anywhere because I'm Miss Potatohead *rolls eyes*, is not being able to eat normal food.

I'm currently on a soft diet. Even though the right side of my mouth seems to be doing better than the left, I still can't chew on solid food because the area around the wounds still feel pretty tender and I'm terrified of doing anything that might aggravate it.

For the past 2 days, I've been feeding on really watery porridge, ice-cream, fruit puree and soft cakes, which doesn't sound too bad. But this is day three of the same food, and I'm starting to go out of my mind.

Somebody gets me a big fat juicy burger! NOW!!