Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I had the 31st and 32nd lesson for my Secret Project Australia with a different instructor today.

It almost makes me feel like I was cheating on my instructor though by going behind him to take lessons from someone else.

Of course it's just all in my head since, unlike Malaysia, there isn't any written or verbal contract, or any sort of mutual understanding, to bind any of us to stick to a particular instructor. We have absolute freedom to take however little or however many lessons from whoever we want.

But, you know, it's the Asian in me that is trained to feel bad or guilty about everything or anything. *Shrugs*

A while ago, I ranted to Wen about how frustrated I feel about having taken so many lessons yet they don't seem to be leading anywhere. She then suggested that maybe I should try to take a few lessons with a different instructor to get a second opinion on my performance.

Knowing how I can never speak up for myself or defend my own rights even when it's rightfully so, she suspected that I might have been taken for a ride.

So I took her advice and booked a double lesson with this Asian instructor, and it was my first lesson with him today.

The first lesson is always overwhelming, especially for someone like me who finds security from stability and familiarity.

A new environment, a new instructor with different style or mannerisms, new equipments, new routes, and a new set of instructions. I was almost reminded of my first ever lesson in Australia 3 months ago - nerve-breaking and stupefied.

For whatever reason(s), whether it's because of all the "newness" or maybe I'm just really not good enough, the 1.5-hour lesson didn't provide me with the validation that I was hoping for. My skills didn't impress the new instructor enough for him to proclaim that I'm ready for the exam rightaway.

However, he did give me a lot of positive feedbacks that I'm doing better than I think I am, and my techniques are a lot better than what I give myself credit for.

He even asked me to go ahead and book a date for the exam immediately since the next available appointment is nearly 2 months away. That's how fully booked the testing department is!

According to him, he's confident that, with 20 more lessons with him over the span of those 2 months, I shouldn't have a problem passing the exam with flying colours.

I know what you must be thinking. TWENTY more?! Is this guy taking me on another ride? Am I being ripped off left and right?

Well, those are my exact thoughts too.

But you see, I really do not have much of a choice.

If I stick to my originally instructor, who knows how many more lessons I might need? He might still think that I'm not good enough 3 months from now, or I might really end up needing a thousand lessons like how he sarcastically joked about.

At the very least, with this new instructor, I have a time frame in mind and I can see a finish line ahead.

Having said that, there is, of course, no guarantee that I'll pass the exam even if the new instructor lets me sit for it. At the end of the day, it's still very much depending on my own ability to perform.

At the end of the day, I still have to be good enough to do it.

Besides, in the typical Asian manner, this instructor doesn't seem to be teaching me the proper techniques or ways to do things, but rather all the shortcuts and tricks to help me pass the exam per se.

So what happens after the exam? What happens when I have to do everything on my own without the supervision of an instructor?

Just like how I managed to pass the exam in Malaysia on first attempt but had no idea how I did it or how to do it in real life, so what if I pass another exam but still have no idea how to continue doing it myself?

All those tricks and shortcuts might help me pass the exam and get me across the finish line, but it isn't gonna keep me safe or save my life when I'm out there in the real world. What happens then?

What happens when I'm no longer given priviledges as a student but treated as an equal as everyone else? What happens when there are no secret dots or stickers to mark the position? What happens when I'm put into a real situation instead of simulations?

What happens if I still don't know how to do it by myself?

And those are not the only questions ringing in my mind.

As I was waiting for the new instructor this afternoon, I received an unexpected phone call that raises even more questions to ponder on and, also, calls for more decisions to be made.

What-if's? What-if's? What-if's?

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

As I'm being pulled in so many different directions by all the different tunes that are singing in my head, I can't helped but feel completely and utterly confused.

With all the hurdles lined up in front of me, once again, I've lost sight of the finish line.

Once again, I'm lost.