Thursday, September 10, 2009


It was the 19th lesson for my Secret Project Australia today.

It went rather well, I'd say.

My instructor seemed to agree. He made more than one comment that I'm really starting to get the hang of it.

I'd love to think so too, except that I'm still feeling highly insecure because I don't understand how or what is it that I'm doing different than before.

How can I continue to improve or even just to maintain what I'm doing when I don't even know what is it that I'm doing right?

Or am I just refusing to believe that I'm actually doing better because I just don't believe that I can?

I do admit that, even after all these lessons, I still don't believe that this is something I'd be able to or want to do on a daily basis like everyone else I know.

Maybe it's because this is something that for as long as I can remember, people, with good protective intentions, have been telling me that I can't do or I shouldn't do.

Maybe it's because those people have always gladly taken over the task so I've never really felt the urgency or necessity for me to do it myself.

Maybe it's because this is something that I never thought I'd be able to do since I have really bad motor-coordination skills and shockingly slow reactions.

And my lack of confidence is indeed the major obstacle in the way that is stopping me from moving forward in mastering this particular skill that at times, almost seems impossible for me.

My fear and lack of confidence is apparent. The instructor noticed it on day one, and it's something that he constantly nags me on.

Everyone has been telling me that confidence is the key to doing it right in this aspect, and each and every one of them started off feeling terrified of it anyway, so I'm no different.

But it's easier said than done, no?

How do I overcome a fear that is so deeply implanted in me?

Is confidence something that comes with time and practice?

Will I feel more confident when I'm actually getting better at it?

Or will I only get better at it when I'm more confident?

Is making the impossible possible the right attitude in life?

Or do we need to acknowledge our limitations at times?

Should I take a deep breath, dive head first into it and think later?

Or should I keep asking myself if I can do this?

And the questions of the day continue.