First Day

I hate first days.

First day of new school when you don't have any friends.

First day at a new job when you don't know where everything is.

First day in a new country when you feel completely out of place.

First day back from vacation when reality hits.

First day of menstrual period when you get stomach cramps and backache.

Today was of many first days.

And I hated it.

Newness

I went to bed angry last night, and I was still angry when I woke up this morning.

No prizes for guessing who's the culprit(s) to piss me off.

C*, D*'s boyfriend, came over AGAIN yesterday, and stayed on for the rest of the day + night.

I was willing to overlook that by simply heading to bed early and hoping that he won't be there anymore when I wake up in the morning. Who knows whether he will feel like calling sick again since he's ONLY done it TWICE last week. :|

Then I was woken up at 6.30am by the noises this rude ass boyfriend-and-girlfriend team made in the kitchen as they were getting ready for work.

After both of them finally left the apartment, I walked out to the kitchen to find a whole sink of unwashed dishes as usual. Believe me when I say that ever since we've moved into this new apartment, there's been dishes in the sink, without fail, each and every time I walk into the kitchen.

Did they not know that according to a survey, leaving dirty dishes in the sink is the no.1 most annoying traits of housemates?

Normally I wouldn't mind because I'm one of those people who can't stand having dirty dishes in the sink, so I've been cleaning up for them everyday for the past 6 months. And this is for someone who's never had to do her own dishes at home.

But what puzzled me and pissed me off the most is, this is the exact thing (among many other) that D* has been complaining about her previous flatmate. So how can she turn around to do to me the exact same thing that she's been bitching about someone else?

Some people and their selfish double standards. *Sighs*

I'd think that if you could wake up an hour earlier to send your boyfriend off and then go back to sleep before you have to get up for work yourself, you could at least spare 5 minutes to clean up the mess you guys have made, no?

And do you, honestly, not see a problem other people might have with your boyfriend coming over unannounced ALL DA TIME?!

That guy spends more than 90% of his time at our place that he might as well move in and start paying rent!

But of course, if that's the case, I'll GLADLY move out in a heartbeat so they can make this place their "annoyance central".

(Not that I haven't been thinking about moving out every day for the past 6 months. :|)

To make the matter worse, the guy has no shame or courtesy at all and he acts like he owns the place.

Dude, I didn't pay thousands of dollars a month for this place so you can shamelessly freeload and hog my living room 24/7 while acting like man of the house! So grow up, stop being such a prick, and learn to respect people around you for a change.

Anyway, moving on.

I had the 36th and 37th lesson for my Secret Project Australia with my new instructor in the afternoon.

Because of all the "newness", I don't quite know how I feel about it yet. I couldn't tell whether I was doing better or worse, I didn't even know whether I was doing the right or wrong things!

I was confused. I felt like I was flying blind.

I'm a creature of stability and routines. I feel completely lost and horrified when I'm thrown into new situations or environments.

Which is why I'm very nervous about tomorrow.

I've decided to take up the offer on an experimental basis to see how things go, and though it's not something entirely new to me, it's something that I haven't done for a while now.

I feel so out of touch and clueless that I'm absolutely terrified!

I only agreed to try out the offer purely due to peer pressure. I didn't want to be perceived as an unappreciative lazy bum, which I probably am. Haha.

But the truth is, I really am not sure whether I'm ready to take up a new role and give up those long carefree days of lazing around, long lunches, and shopping as the most important agenda in my Moleskine daily planner.

I guess we will see.

For now, I better go enjoy the rest of my afternoon of bumming around not doing anything at all.

Ciao.

Snip

We had a Tuesday of beautiful weather here in Melbourne today.

The sun was bright and warm, the breezes were light and sweet, and the temperature was, though a tad too warm for my liking, just nice.

Nothing like the confusing weather we had on Sunday.

Still bothered by the decision I have to make, I distracted myself with a trip to the hair saloon in the afternoon to get a trim.

I thought it would help me to clear my head a little, but it only made me even more confused than before.

The new Japanese hairdresser didn't have a clue what she was doing! She was making so many mistakes that even a layman like me could tell.

Not only was my hair not properly layered, it is shapeless and lifeless. The worst part was, she even failed to style my hair nicely after blow drying, the way she did it was absolutely terrible and she put BLOBS of greasy hair products in my hair! I pulled my hair back into a ponytail as soon as I stepped out of the saloon! :|

Boy was I glad that I only asked for a trim. Imagine if I had gotten an actual haircut from her! @_@

And she was rude too. I haven't come across that many rude Japanese, especially in the service industry, but she was definitely one of them. Her attitudes stink of rotten trash, man!

My only consolation is that it was cheap. You get what you pay for, I guess. *Shrugs*

And if that's the case, I only have myself to blame for trying to cut the corners with my hair after I overspent on shoes and dresses over the weekend. :p

Though I'm pretty sure it was just my luck that I was assigned with a bad hairdresser, because most of the other stylists there looked really nice and professional. One of them did a fantastic job with a girl's Victoria Beckham-like bob which was so sleek and funky.

Or could it also be because I have long boring Asian hair? Hmm. :/

Oh well.

After my very disappointing visit to the hair saloon, I traveled an hour and a half (!) to KT's workplace to visit him. I needed some pointers about a certain area of work that I haven't had much experience in, and he offered to let me observe him as he does it.

It was interesting to see how he works. I've only seen him outside of a workplace but never in a professional environment. It was, um, interesting. :x

And during my brief stay, I "accidentally" discovered a little secret that he has refused to tell us all these while, so I guess that's the extra bonus to make my very long and boring trip there worthwhile. Haha.

We met up with Wen later on for a healthy dose of bitching session and cheap Malaysian food.

I think I'm gonna start boycotting Laksa King from now on. There was so much MSG in the fried kuey teow and pan fried pork dumplings that I was left to feel thirsty for the whole night!

So those were my two very unsatisfying consumer experiences today.

I comfort myself by thinking that at the very least, I got rid of the dry ends of my unruly hair and I solved the mystery of KT's little secret. Haha.

And that was my Tuesday.

Mondayitis

Today I had my first episode of mondayitis in a long time.

It's no wonder that they say the better the weekend, the tougher the Monday.

Or maybe it was because I had a particular meeting scheduled in the afternoon, and I wasn't exactly looking forward to it.

Though the meeting turned out to be much better and easier than I had expected, I have my reservation.

I can't quite put a finger to how I feel about it yet, I just hate having to make decisions again.

I'm very much a creature of habits, I guess. I don't like changes.

But yet, changes managed to track me down each and every time.

Despite my initial resistance, the truth is, I've gotten rather comfortable with certain lifestyle choices I've made.

It wasn't without struggle though. God knows how many sleepless nights I spent lying in bed awake, contemplating about the choices we make in life and the consequences.

And just when I've slowly figured out how to deal with things and learned to be happy again, I was made an offer that seemed silly for me to reject.

My first instinct was to say no, but I started second guessing myself.

Do I really not want to? Or am I only hesitating because of my build-in reluctance for changes?

After all, it might seem really ungrateful and unappreciative for me to simply turn it down without even considering since most people would probably snap up the offer in a heart beat.

Whilst there are some who are struggling and could only dream of such offer, do I really want to be the spoilt bitch who throw out an opportunity that came knocking on the door by itself without me even asking for it?

I don't know. I hate having to choose.

Then again, maybe we should be grateful that we have choices.

But do I really have to?

I don't know. I'm lost.

"One of my biggest fears in life is uncertainty. Yet I constantly pluck myself outta my comfort zones and into the unknowns."

I remember writing those sentences in one of my posts about comfort zone.

Nearly a year later, I still don't know why do I always do this to myself.

But I just keep on doing it, don't I?

Spree

I bailed on lunch plans with Wan today to go shopping with Wen.

I guess we just got so sick of constantly having to work around everyone else's schedules that we decided to rebel and do our own things for once.

Why is it that people always think the world should revolve around them and everything has to work to their convenience? Why is it that when you are accommodating and easy going, people always take advantage of that and, eventually, take you for granted?

So anyway, Wen and I had lunch at Docklands and proceeded to check out the shops.

The weather in Melbourne today is the exact type of annoying weather that I hate with a passion. Next to sweltering heat and drenching humidity, of course.

The sun was bright and warm when the wind was icy cold, so you are kinda hot and cold plus sweating and freezing at the same time? You know, the feeling when you are so cold till you think your face and fingers are getting frost bites, but your arm pits are sweating under the clothes?

(Too much information ey? Haha.)

It's irritating and, um, deceiving.

And the wind was so strong that I nearly got blown off my feet several times!

It really didn't help that I was wearing a flowy mini dress with black tights and my new black patent leather pumps. Trust me, it wasn't an easy job pressing down your dress so everyone else doesn't have to see what's underneath it and at the same time, maintaining balance on a pair of new heels that you are still breaking into, all the while still trying to not look like a mad woman.

Oh the crazy weather in Melbourne!

Both Wen and I couldn't find anything we like in Docklands, so we headed back to the city where I picked up two silk dresses from Marcs.

I used to think that Marcs dresses are too simple and too minimalist for my liking, but I think they're slowly growing on me. And the material is so soft and light that it almost feels like you have nothing on!

(Again, too much information? Haha.)

I'm also lemming a few dresses and cardigans from Alannah Hill, but decided I should give my credit card a rest. I know that a lot of people are disappointed with her Spring/Summer 2009-2010 collection, but I still love her nonetheless.

After all, we Tasmanian gals have gotta stick together, ya know? :p

Wen and I had to meet a few old friends from school, so we quickly hopped over to Myers and David Jones for a quick browse before dinner. In the span of 20 minutes, I managed to snap up another dress from Review, and 2 new lipsticks from MAC.

Well done, missy, well done! *Pats self on back*

Speaking of which, don't you just love the fact that Myers and David Jones had extended their trading hours because of the spring racing carnival? At least now it isn't so depressing when all the shops in the city are closed by 6pm on weekends. :|

Dinner with the gang was at Kun Ming on Little Bourke Street, before readjourning to Max Brenner for dessert. We were laughing so much and so loud that we must be the noisiest table around. I think I laughed so hard that I nearly had stomach cramps at one point. Haha.

It was great catching up with old friends from school. There was this sweet couple from our year who are getting married in December. They are both really nice people who truly deserve each other, and I'm so happy for them!

On a completely opposite note, there is this other couple from our class who relocated to Perth a few years ago but we heard that they are planning on moving back to Melbourne next year, but well, um, let's just say that nobody is looking forward to that.

I guess that's the difference between when you are likable, and when you are not. :|

Anyway, it's been a fun weekend with friends, laughters, and LOTS of shopping!

Let's only worry about the bank account when Monday comes huh? :)

Goodnight, people. Have a good week ahead!

Cranky

I wasn't exactly in the best of mood when I woke up this morning, no thanks to yet another night of lousy sleep.

The annoying couple invited some really noisy friends over last night and they stayed till at least 2.30am.

Even with the help of my trusty Stilnox, I was still having difficulty falling asleep with people laughing like hyenas in the living room.

I guess my speaking up really didn't do much huh? Some people just don't get it!

Or rather, they just don't care about anyone else but themselves!

So after another night of scattered sleep, I woke up with a hangover-like headache and I was so grumpy that I was ready to throw rotten eggs at them

Looking like a grouchy ladybug with giant sunnies covering half of my face, I met up with Wen and KT for breakfast at a funky little cafe in Fitzroy.

KT came straight from the airport. He had just flown back from Sydney after a long week of conference and non-stop partying. His eyes were bloodshot red from too much Chardonnay and not enough sleep, mine immediately seemed pale in comparison next to his.

At times like this, I feel so blessed for being a girl because we at least have makeups to conceal the unsightly eye bags and puffiness. Haha.

We were also playing host to Wen's friend's husband, Y*, who had just arrived from Malaysia. He and his wife, G*, are migrating to Melbourne next month, and he's been sent to "survey" the territory.

I think I scared the poor guy a little when a very cranky me asked the French waitress to send back my organic spring water that was not only not cold, but warm! Normally I'd be happy to overlook it, but ya know, it's just one of those mornings. :|

After breakfast, Wen and I headed over to Chapel Street for dress shopping. KT decided to go home to catch up on sleep, but Y* tagged along.

Wen needed a dress urgently for a wedding she is going to, but couldn't find anything that she likes, so I offered to help her with it. After all, shopping is probably the only thing I'm really good at. :x

But yours truly ended up buying a Copper St pale pink chiffon dress from Swish when her friends came out empty handed.

Why is it that I always come home with more shopping bags than those people I go shopping for?

A clear sign of zero self control, I guess. *Sighs*

I had craving for Vietnamese phở, so the 3 of us hopped over to Richmond for lunch.

A good bowl of soupy rice noodles plus lots of deep fried Vietnamese spring rolls with crispy lettuce later, my spirits were lifted and I was in a jolly good mood again.

We continued with some outlet shopping on Bridge Road and I successfully picked up a pair of dress pants, a cardigan, and another pink dress from Review. There was a 30% discount on normal priced items, and a further 25% on already reduced stock.

(I think the same discount applies to all Review boutiques, including their stock in Myers.)

There is also a new (?) Sass & Bide clearance outlet where some of the jeans were on sale for AU$99. That's like 1/3 of the price I used to pay for their skinnies!

I'm not sure how long has the outlet been there since I haven't been to Bridge Road for AGES, but 99 bucks is definitely a bargain for a pair of Sass & Bide. There were only a few pair of skinnies (no Misfits from what I can recall), but lots of other different cuts.

I couldn't be bothered to try on jeans since I was feeling rather bloated after lunch and from water retention. It's that time of the month again. Ugh.

We readjourned back to Wen's place for an afternoon of reality TV series. I fell asleep on the couch after a mere 10 minutes because I was so drained from another bad night of sleep and half a day of walking in my 3-inch heels.

Y* told Wen later on that he thought I was really fun and funny. Well, I guess being cranky to the waitress, buying up a storm like a true shopaholic, and falling asleep on someone else's couch with my mouth open left a good first impression then? :|

More shopping tomorrow!

Here's hoping that there won't be more (than the two, aka SIC - Super Irritating Couple) annoying guests in my apartment tonight so I won't be a cranky bitch again tomorrow morning.

Ta.

Confused

I had the 31st and 32nd lesson for my Secret Project Australia with a different instructor today.

It almost makes me feel like I was cheating on my instructor though by going behind him to take lessons from someone else.

Of course it's just all in my head since, unlike Malaysia, there isn't any written or verbal contract, or any sort of mutual understanding, to bind any of us to stick to a particular instructor. We have absolute freedom to take however little or however many lessons from whoever we want.

But, you know, it's the Asian in me that is trained to feel bad or guilty about everything or anything. *Shrugs*

A while ago, I ranted to Wen about how frustrated I feel about having taken so many lessons yet they don't seem to be leading anywhere. She then suggested that maybe I should try to take a few lessons with a different instructor to get a second opinion on my performance.

Knowing how I can never speak up for myself or defend my own rights even when it's rightfully so, she suspected that I might have been taken for a ride.

So I took her advice and booked a double lesson with this Asian instructor, and it was my first lesson with him today.

The first lesson is always overwhelming, especially for someone like me who finds security from stability and familiarity.

A new environment, a new instructor with different style or mannerisms, new equipments, new routes, and a new set of instructions. I was almost reminded of my first ever lesson in Australia 3 months ago - nerve-breaking and stupefied.

For whatever reason(s), whether it's because of all the "newness" or maybe I'm just really not good enough, the 1.5-hour lesson didn't provide me with the validation that I was hoping for. My skills didn't impress the new instructor enough for him to proclaim that I'm ready for the exam rightaway.

However, he did give me a lot of positive feedbacks that I'm doing better than I think I am, and my techniques are a lot better than what I give myself credit for.

He even asked me to go ahead and book a date for the exam immediately since the next available appointment is nearly 2 months away. That's how fully booked the testing department is!

According to him, he's confident that, with 20 more lessons with him over the span of those 2 months, I shouldn't have a problem passing the exam with flying colours.

I know what you must be thinking. TWENTY more?! Is this guy taking me on another ride? Am I being ripped off left and right?

Well, those are my exact thoughts too.

But you see, I really do not have much of a choice.

If I stick to my originally instructor, who knows how many more lessons I might need? He might still think that I'm not good enough 3 months from now, or I might really end up needing a thousand lessons like how he sarcastically joked about.

At the very least, with this new instructor, I have a time frame in mind and I can see a finish line ahead.

Having said that, there is, of course, no guarantee that I'll pass the exam even if the new instructor lets me sit for it. At the end of the day, it's still very much depending on my own ability to perform.

At the end of the day, I still have to be good enough to do it.

Besides, in the typical Asian manner, this instructor doesn't seem to be teaching me the proper techniques or ways to do things, but rather all the shortcuts and tricks to help me pass the exam per se.

So what happens after the exam? What happens when I have to do everything on my own without the supervision of an instructor?

Just like how I managed to pass the exam in Malaysia on first attempt but had no idea how I did it or how to do it in real life, so what if I pass another exam but still have no idea how to continue doing it myself?

All those tricks and shortcuts might help me pass the exam and get me across the finish line, but it isn't gonna keep me safe or save my life when I'm out there in the real world. What happens then?

What happens when I'm no longer given priviledges as a student but treated as an equal as everyone else? What happens when there are no secret dots or stickers to mark the position? What happens when I'm put into a real situation instead of simulations?

What happens if I still don't know how to do it by myself?

And those are not the only questions ringing in my mind.

As I was waiting for the new instructor this afternoon, I received an unexpected phone call that raises even more questions to ponder on and, also, calls for more decisions to be made.

What-if's? What-if's? What-if's?

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

As I'm being pulled in so many different directions by all the different tunes that are singing in my head, I can't helped but feel completely and utterly confused.

With all the hurdles lined up in front of me, once again, I've lost sight of the finish line.

Once again, I'm lost.

Summery

I could smell summer in the air before I even woke up today.

Then again, I was woken up at 7am by the loud noises the super annoying couple made as they were getting ready for work. :|

And no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't go back to sleep after that. Geez, thanks guys! I feel so "honoured" that with every little choices you make with your lives, my life gets affected too. *Rolls eyes*

So you see, I was already pissed off before my day even started. *Sighs*

Due to lack of sleep, my head felt like it was stuffed with two tons of Egyptian Cotton and I was having one of those dizzy spells again. Trust me, I was NOT a happy person this morning!

But I was determined to not let the bright sunshine and warm weather go to waste, so I huffed and grunted before dragging my achy body out of bed to get dressed.

I had a long list of errands to run today, starting with a GP appointment during which she announced that she's decided to retire soon.

Real soon, actually. Almost immediately.

On most part, I'm happy for her decision because I've noticed that she's been struggling with things at work and her personal life for a while now.

Speaking of which, isn't it weird that my GP of less than a year chooses to confide in me about things going on in her private life when I'm supposedly the patient who needs help to solve my problems?

During some of my appointments, before I could even start telling her what's wrong with me, she took over and did most of the talking about her childhood, her school life, her family, her (many) divorces, her relationships, her stress at work, her recent vacation, etc. etc.. I ended up having to offer my advice and opinion as if I was sitting on the other side of the desk. What's up with that?

Oh well. *Shrugs*

I didn't mind though, and I'm glad that she's decided to retire now. I think it's a brave move to decide to step down and take a break from it all, I hope it all works for the better for her.

I guess the only thing that I didn't like about her retirement is that I'm gonna have to start seeing a different GP from now on, just when I'm about to get used to her, um, "quirks".

I just hate getting used to new people. Don't you?

I sat in the sun for a long time after leaving the clinic, soaking up the warm sunshine and vitamin D while trying to digest the news of her retirement and how it's gonna affect me. In the end, I decided that I wasn't gonna allow myself to worry about it too much, let's only think about it the next time I need to go back and see a different GP.

I let the small things in life stress me out too much, too often, and way too easily. And it's something that I'm working hard on improving and, hopefully, eventually changing.

So I took myself for a stroll down the streets and some vintage shopping, before popping by the post office to mail out documents for my tax return to my accountant and pick up Bee's parcel from ebay. It's a limited edition Matrix Reloaded collector's phone from 2003, can you believe the geek he is?! Lol.

While waiting for my prescription to be filled at the chemist, I dropped in to the small boutique that was supposed to order in a gorgeous coral rosette dress in my size to see if they managed to source one. It's been a week since I placed the order and I haven't heard back from them yet.

Turned out, they weren't sure if they could re-order the dress that I wanted, but they now have a similar dress, with similar design, in the same coral colour.

I tried on the new dress, but somehow it just didn't wow me as much as the other dress I wanted.

Though beggars can't be choosers huh? Since the original dress is probably a gone case now that the stock had ran out.

The new dress also came in a gorgeous shade of cobalt blue. The coral would be more suitable as a day spring dress, whereas the cobalt blue would be perfect for a night out with killer heels and bouncy curls.

I couldn't decide which colour to get, so I left it for now. I guess I'll either go back to get them both, or none of them at all. Hmm, decisions decisions decisions. :|

On the way out, I passed by the discount rack again and I spotted the same silky floral dress I bought last week! It's now nearly 50% off (!) and I was SO tempted to grab it as a backup since I don't think the material will last many of my rough machine washes.

The only thing is, I'm pretty sure when I was in the shop a week ago, mine was the only piece on the rack. Is it some marketing technique to play with consumers' mind? You know, to lure you into thinking that it's the last piece left so you better grab it before it's all gone?

I left the dress because the whole thing felt a little doggy, but on second thought, it's cheap as chips so who cares huh?

Say, would you throw your principles out of the window for a dress that looks gorgeous and ten times its actual price on you?

And that's the question that I should continue asking myself while I bask in the beautiful sunlight for the rest of the afternoon.

It's 28 degrees today.

Summer is not far away.

Paperwork

It's a Monday with bright sunshine and clear blue sky.

But my mood plummeted as soon as I woke up this morning upon realising that C*, D*'s boyfriend, decided to call in sick AGAIN.

Dude, just because you have a girlfriend now, doesn't mean that you have the rights to skip work at least one day at week! Geez, didn't you just come back from a 5-week holiday?! You can't be that worn out by work already.

Do you not know that faking sickie is a form of highly irresponsible behaviour, which is so NOT attractive and completely unacceptable after the age of, um, 12?

Do you not realise that by being absent from work for no good reason but simply because you feel like it, puts extra workload on your colleagues unnecessarily and someone else has to carry the weight for you while you still get paid for ferrying your girlfriend around or watching Japanese series at home?

Whatever happened to work etiquettes? Whatever happened to common decency? Whatever happened to ethic of reciprocity? Whatever happened to avoid doing what you would blame others for doing?

Or are you fully aware of all those things but decided to do it anyway given your shameless selfish nature?

I guess it's either you're so self-centered that you care about no one else but yourself, or you're not that important at your job anyway so no one else would even notice your absence.

Worse yet, all of the above.

The way this boyfriend and girlfriend team take turns to call in sick, or sometimes even deliberately coordinate to pull sickie on the same day, is making me sick!

Between them, they probably have more sick days in a fucking week than what I had in a whole year!

But honestly, I really wouldn't get so worked up over whatever they choose to do with their lives if it weren't for the fact that the couple practically hogs my living room (or the whole damn place except my room) ALL DA TIME whenever they're not at work.

Gosh I hope you both get busted by your superiors and he/she fires you for being such dodgy irresponsible asses!

Breath, missy, breath!

*Takes deep deep breaths*

Okay, moving on.

Because of how agitated I felt about the annoying person who has cemented his existence in my living room for yet another day, I decided to calm my nerves by re-organising the documents in the folders where I keep all the important paperwork.

I guess it's a little like how some people find cleaning or scrubbing the bathtub soothing?

Most days I avoid (or procrastinate) doing it, albeit being an organised freak, because I hate how my anal retentiveness takes over once I start and I just can't stop until I've done everything immaculately.

Oh the obsessive-compulsive tendency is exhausting!

Or maybe I should call them my "quirks" like Bree, from Desperate Housewives, does? Haha.

But today, I desperately needed a project to help me focus and distract me from the anger that was fuming inside my head.

Well, partly also because I really need to start looking through the tax return documents my accountant had prepared so I can sign and return to his office for him to submit the claim.

I ended up spending the whole afternoon crouching on the floor, sorting out paperwork I've accumulated over the the years.

There were papers spreading all over the floor of my bedroom, and with my deteriorating memory these days, I couldn't recall what were a lot of them intended for. Knowing how absent-minded I can be, I wouldn't be surprised if I threw away some really important ones but kept an useless warranty that is expired. :x

This little afternoon project ended on a hasty note when my back started hurting from hunching and my eyes from trying to read the printings that had faded on some of the documents.

For now, I'll just put them away assuming that all the paperwork is, maybe not perfectly but at least properly, organised and labeled in separate folders so I can call it a day.

Let's leave it till tomorrow to worry about archiving and indexing.

Or about people who are a pain in our butts.

Toodles.

Frustrated

It's only 11.30am on a Thursday.

Whilst the day has barely begun for some people, I already feel like the air has been let out of my balloon.

I attended the 29th and 30th lesson for my Secret Project Australia this morning, which was also my second double lesson.

As usual, I came back feeling like an absolute retard for not being able to master a skill that comes so instinctively to many.

And today, it hit a little closer to home when it suddenly dawned on me that it's been 3 months since I started my first lesson here in Melbourne.

Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with, so as much as I try to comfort myself by thinking that there's no pressure on me and I can take as long as I need, I can't help but start feeling impatient.

The fact that I've taken 30 odd lessons doesn't help either. The average number of lessons most people need is, like, 12?

I don't kid myself thinking that I can be one of those "average" people, so I did expect that I'll most likely require more than just 12 lessons. But my sarcastic instructor once joked that I might need a thousand lessons before I can pass the test, and you know what? I'm really starting to believe him!

People have been trying to make me feel better by telling me stories of how others who have had many years of experience overseas found it difficult too when they had to adjust to the system in Australia, let alone the little helpless me who have had no experience what-so-ever.

Those stories did make it feel a little better, but no less frustrated.

Bee has been comforting me by saying that I should take as many lessons and as much time as I need because, at the end of the day, safety comes first.

He has a point. A very good and valid one, actually.

What I don't understand is, how can I be so bad at this?!

Almost everyone I know of does it on a daily basis, and it's as easy and as natural to them as breathing or eating, so why can't I even get the hang of it?!

Oh I just want to get it over and done with already!

But at this rate I'm going, I'm seriously beginning to doubt if I will ever get there.

Happy Five and 3-Quarter Year Anniversary

So many months later, sometimes I still look at you and think, "Wow, I can't believe he loves me too."

Happy anniversary, baby.

I love you.

Ranting

It started off as an uneventful Tuesday.

The weather was grey and gloomy, completely different than the warm sunny day it was yesterday.

Since I had nothing planned for the day, I thought I'd just have a quiet day in and catch up with some blogging. I have so many drafted-but-not-completed backdated entries it's not funny!

Oh the sweet joy of procrastinating! :|

However, as I was sipping my red dates tea with wolfberries, I suddenly remembered that both of my ultrasound results should reach the clinic today.

And of course, being my usual obsessive-compulsive self, I just couldn't get the thought out of my head once it's there.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking (and worrying) about the results. I just had to find out rightaway!

So I jumped out of bed and called up the clinic.

I was told that the GP I've been seeing, whom ordered the test originally, was fully booked for the day and there was no way they could fit me in, so I ended up making an appointment for this coming Thursday.

But knowing me, you really shouldn't be surprised of what happened next.

I couldn't sit still at all after I hung up, so I picked up the phone again after 15 minutes and asked the receptionist if I could maybe see a different doctor just to find out about the results because I simply couldn't wait another day!

I managed to get an appointment with a locum GP in an hour's time, so I hastily changed into the first thing I could find in the closet and added some colour to my lips.

As I was rushing out the door, I casually asked if D*'s boyfriend, who was spending yet another one of his (many) off-days at my place AGAIN, would like to come along with me. I guess I was in desperate need of some company, any company, since I was really nervous about finding out the results.

We got to the clinic, and I met with the locum GP, who didn't seem to have a clue of what she's talking about. She looked so lost and nervy, like it was her first day on the job. I tried to prompt her with a few questions to get her going, but those questions were answered with lots of umm's, err's, and I-am-not-sure's.

Well, personally I think it's a waste of money for Medicare Australia to pay someone to read us things straight off a report without the ability to explain or provide further information. What? Like we couldn't read plain English ourselves?

And it's a disgrace for those of us in healthcare when it makes general public think that they could depend on Mr.Googgle more than the people in white coats. Seriously, you don't need a medical degree to be able to receive fax and then pass it on to your patient, just like how we don't need a doctor who can do just that and ONLY that!

Anyway, it's just my pent up ranting, so feel free to ignore that.

Both my abdominal and pelvic ultrasound results came back to be normal for now (or that's what we're assuming at the moment), so thank God!

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from pressing down on my heart and I could breath again.

So I courteously smiled and thanked the locum GP, because that's what we good-Asian-girls have been trained to do since young - to always be impeccably polite and well-mannered regardless of what you think or feel. :|

After my appointment, I spent a rather decent afternoon hanging out with D*'s boyfriend, C*.

The weird thing about them is, he's not nearly as obnoxious alone as he is when they're together, and she's more so alone than when he's around.

Which got me start thinking about how the two of them managed to become a couple that everyone can't stand though they were two individuals that people wouldn't mind having around before they were an item.

Throughout the 1.5 years they've been dating, they've practically pissed off and lost the friendship of almost everyone around them. Didn't that set off some sort of alarming signals in their heads that maybe, just maybe, there really is something wrong with them?

I guess love is blind afterall huh? Sometimes not only one is not able to see the flaws of the person you're in love with, but one becomes completely oblivious of the people around you too.

And no, I'm not talking about public display of affection, which I have absolutely no issues with because I'm guilty as charged when it comes down to that.

But I guess I'll leave it for now since all of us here probably already have enough of my ranting for one day.

Till the next time, it's just another post of my pointless ramblings.

I hope everyone is having a great week. :)

Dining Out Alone

Because of how miserable I felt yesterday, I decided to take myself out for a nice relaxing lunch and some retail therapy today.

I was still feeling a bit wobbly when I got out of bed because I took another Stilnox at 7am to force myself to go back to sleep when I was woken up (and terribly annoyed) by noises of D*'s boyfriend getting ready for work. But I had an appointment for abdominal ultrasound at 11.30am, so I just had to splash some cold water on my face and amp up the blush to look more awake.

Besides, Stilnox is such an old friend by now that an ordinary person who doesn't know me well wouldn't even notice the difference before and after I've taken one (or more), so.....*Shrugs*

I couldn't find anyone to have lunch with me so initially I thought I'd skip lunch and get some takeaways instead, but by the time I finished my ultrasound, it was such a beautiful spring day to sit out in the sun that I just couldn't resist.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but dining out alone is the one thing that I just couldn't do.

It's not so much of the idea of being alone, but rather the awkwardness while doing so that simply steers me away from it. It just feels a little odd not having anyone to talk to, not even the TV to keep you company, when you eat, no?

I used to enjoy doing a lot of things alone - shopping, running errands, flying, studying, jogging, etc. etc.. In fact, I'd even say that I used to prefer to do a lot of things alone since it's fuss-free and so much more efficient.

But watching movie and dining out were the two things that I had never attempted to do alone.

I conquered my fear of watching a movie alone in October last year during one of my petty fights with Bee. I stormed out of our house in KL in a fit of anger and realised I didn't know where to go, so I ended up spending the afternoon watching a bimbotic chick flick all by myself with a jumbo size of caramel popcorn.

So technically, it wasn't by choice. :p

Also, I'm beginning to realise that as I age, I tend to crave for companionship more and more.

So much so that I'm more reluctant to do a lot of things alone these days if I had a choice because of how lonely they make me feel. Does this happen to anyone else? Or is it just me?

Which, of course, led me further and further away from the idea of dining out alone.

But today, something came over me and I decided to take that fear to lunch.

Not while-I-am-waiting-for-someone entrée, not on-a-rush-lunch-break quick bite, not stuff-it-all-in-your mouth fast food, but to walk into a nice restaurant and enjoy a proper meal with no one else but myself, to tell the waiter "no, it's just me." when asked if I'm waiting for someone.

And I did.

I sat in the sun, and had a nice long lunch with a glass of bubbly at a quaint little sidewalk café. All by myself.

It felt a little uneasy at first, it was something that I wasn't used to. I held on to my phone tightly, constantly having the urge to call someone, anyone at all, to come have lunch with me.

But after a while, the awkwardness eased off, and I started to notice the crunchiness of the salad, or the tenderness of the meat. Instead of being so self-conscious that I was eating by myself, I started to pay more attention to appreciate the food in my mouth and the ambience of the restaurant.

And you know what? It wasn't that bad.

As the matter of fact, I can genuinely said that I really enjoyed the quality time I got to spend with myself, which I'm afraid I have forgotten how to for quite some time now.

But of course, being a newbie and all, I was fashionably armed with a glossy copy of Vogue and my mobile phone. Haha.

Cut me some slack, will ya? It was my first time afterall. :p

After lunch, I felt so smug about my little "accomplishment" that I went dress shopping to reward myself.

I fell in love with a gorgeous flowy coral dress in the window of a unknown boutique, but they ran out of small sizes. I tried on another similar dress of the same colour, but it just wasn't the same.

I'm usually not one to be drawn to bright or striking colours, but that particular coral red rosette dress was just too lovely to pass on. It hits all the right buttons and the colour compliments my skin tone really well, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the owner will manage to source another one in my size as he promised to. Keep yours crossed too, people!

Upon leaving the boutique, I passed by the discount rack and spotted a silky spring dress with floral prints. I tried it on and it fits me like a glove!

The material might feel a little cheap if you look up close, but it's really soft to touch and it's such a sweet little dress for a warm day in spring or summer. Besides, it's nearly 40% off!

The weather in Melbourne is back to wintery and gloomy for the next few days, so my new floral dress will probably have to sit in my closet for a while before I get to wear it, but hey, summer will eventually come and from what I heard, it's not that far away. *Smiles*

Having Korean hot pot with friends for dinner tonight, just the right kind of food to warm up a chilly weeknight!

My first attempt to dine out alone wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, but at the end of the day, I guess I still prefer to have company when I eat.

But at least after today, it's safe to conclude that though it isn't my favourite thing on the menu, it's now something that I'll consider ordering from time to time.

So kudos to me! *Grins*

Dizzy

I was so dizzy when I got up this morning that everything was spinning around me.

At first I thought it was due to low blood sugar level since I had a relatively small dinner last night and no snacks before I went to bed, so I quickly made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with my usual morning English Breakfast tea.

But the dizziness continued after breakfast that I had to bail on plans for Sunday brunch.

The dizzy spells were so bad that I felt like I was on a rocking boat in the rough sea even as I was lying down.

It really didn't help that the super annoying couple had invited an even more annoying couple (if that's even possible) over for lunch and all 4 of them stayed on in the living room to watch DVDs for the rest of the afternoon.

The guy from the annoying guest couple laughs like a barking dog and his newlywed wife like a hyena. No joke!

Their constant laughters, mixed with the usual noises of the super annoying permanent-resident couple which I'm just about to get used to now, were like an symphony from some sick animal kingdom, which sent my head spinning even more.

I got so agitated after a while that I decided to just take half a Stilnox, put the window blinds down, and knock myself out for a couple of hours in hope that the dizzy spells would improve after the forcefully-induced nap.

But my genius plan didn't play out like how I had hoped it would.

(It never does, does it?)

I woke up slightly over an hour later to find that both the dizziness and annoying guests were still around.

I was still feeling woozy, and the bad symphony of animal laughters was still going on like someone forgot to switch off the Discovery Channel.

Feeling even more agitated than before, bordering on distressed, I popped another Stilnox and forced myself to go back to sleep.

(Don't try this at home, kids.)

Only to wake up another hour later not feeling any better.

At this point, I was convinced that everything was gonna work against me today. Even my trusty Stilnox.

Since the two irritating couples weren't around anymore, I crawled out of bed to take a shower and put some food in my stomach.

Just as I was feeling a little more refreshed after a hot shower and some leftover of Hainanese chicken rice takeaway, I threw up.

Everything that I had just eaten came right back up and I was left feeling more lightheaded than before.

I lied in bed, feeling nauseated and completely drained. All the bones in my body were hurting from the act of regurgitating.

Bee was out shopping with his parents, I couldn't even get hold of him to whine about my shitty day. So I texted him to tell him that I was going to bed early, and proceeded to take another Stilnox.

(No, guys, I do not have a substance-abuse problem. I was just at my wits' ends and didn't know what else to do with myself!)

I actually slept a little better this time round, but I was then woken up by the same pain-in-the-ass laughter symphony of bulldogs, hyenas, horses, and maybe Chucky from Child's Play.

I couldn't believe that it was happening! I was THIS close to screaming my head off and pulling my hair out!

I looked at the clock, it was sometime after 11pm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but my understanding is that it's bad manner to either call or intrude on someone after 10pm.

Sure there isn't any legislation against disturbance by bad laughters *rolls eyes* in the Environment Protection (Residential Noise) Regulations 2008, but is it not common courtesy to respect that some people might have an earlier bedtime than you? And I'm pretty sure 11pm is a pretty reasonable cut-off time on a Sunday night, no?

I tried to hold in my anger and frustration for about 30 minutes before I decided I simply couldn't take it anymore, so I did something that was totally out of my normal character - I spoke up for myself.

Well, sort of.

I went out to the living room with a dressing gown over my pyjamas, said hello to everyone while trying my best to not looked the slightest bit bothered, then with a polite smile, I asked D* to step out for a while so we could speak in private.

But of course, being my usual prim-and-proper-Asian-girl self, I ended up asking nicely (or rather, helplessly requested) if she would mind to tell her guests to keep the noise down a little as I was feeling unwell and desperately needed to sleep.

You know, instead of just asking them to get the fuck out and stop being such inconsiderate rude arses.

As I got back to the room and took a double dose of sleeping pills, I wasn't sure what bothered me more. The unexplainable whirling sensation that sent my head spinning for the whole day, or my inability to defend my rights even when it's fully justified?

I just want to go to sleep and get this day over and done with.

So. Leave. Me. Alone.

Love

I Knew I Loved You
Salvage Garden

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
But I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
But I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I fell in love today.

Not once, but twice.

I've seen plenty of their pictures, but when I was in their actual presence for the very first time today, I still couldn't help but silently gasped.

You know, a little like meeting a Hollywood celebrity that you've only seen on TV.

The air was caught in my chest, and while I tried my hardest to contain the excitement or to maintain my cool, I gushed and cooed like a school girl about her first crush.

Sure both of them looked a little different than the pictures. Some would say the pictures were misleading and the real thing was disappointing.

But I didn't care.

I was a fool in love.

Maybe I was blinded by infatuation, and the flaws ceased to exist in my eyes.

Or rather, like I was telling Bee, it was true love.

A love so strong that I was ready to overlook all the shortcomings even when I see them. A love so strong that nothing else mattered. A love so strong that I knew I loved them before I met them.

When a love like that happens, you don't question.

You fall in love.

Like I did.

Partly Cloudy

This is the super cute short clip shown in theaters before Pixar's latest movie, Up.

The short film named Partly Cloudy is produced by Kevin Reher, and directed by Peter Sohn.

Apparently, Russell, the chubby Asian-American Wilderness Explorer in the movie Up was based on and modeled after Peter Sohn, who is a Korean-American.

Jordan Nagai, a now 9 year-old (he was only 7 during the production) Japanese-American boy, is the voice of Russell, but the character with chubby cheeks and the stereotypical Asian slant eyes is the splitting image of Peter Sohn.

The story of Partly Cloudy took place in the stratosphere, where the cloud people sculpt babies and bring them to life.

I love Gus, the lonely and insecure cloud.

Especially since I thought he was going to turn all evil and took revenge when he felt rejected and betrayed at some point, but all he did was to unleash a brief thunderstorm and then begin to cry. Haha. It's cuteness overload!

He's so adorable that I just wanna pinch his nose and give him a good cuddle.

But maybe not one of those "dangerous"and defiant babies that he's master at creating. :|

And the loyalty of his faithful delivery stork partner, Peck, touches me deeply.

It says a lot to not abandon your friends even when the going gets tough, but to stick with them through thick and thin.

Or in Peck's case, sharp quills and electric shock.

Watch it, and be reminded of the beauty of genuine friendship. :)

Pendulum

I woke up with a fuzzy head and a massive headache.

I wasn't sure whether it's a hangover from last night's binge drinking, or just the result of yet another night of tossing and turning in bed.

I stumbled out of bed and into the closet to get dressed as I was already running late for a movie date with a girlfriend.

I'm sure I was looking worse for wear, but hey, at least I can once again fit into my skinnies without any struggle now that the water retention is easing off. *Grins*

By the time we made a mad dash to Village @ Westfield and bought tickets for the last session of Up at 3.15pm, my head was spinning like a top out of control.

Since we only had less than an hour before the movie, we headed over to Groove Train for a quick bite, aka my first meal of the day.

The waiters were cheeky as usual. I can never understand how they manage to have so much cheerful energy to entertain customers all day long, especially the one who's always cracking lame jokes and singing different songs as he takes your order.

Just like how they can never understand why am I always asking if they are still serving breakfast at odd hours.

"2.30pm? TWO THIRTY PEE-AM?!" The waiter in blue top and a silly grin tried to ridicule my request.

"Yes, I believe I'm allowed to have breakfast at 2.30pm on a Sunday." I replied with a straight face.

He shrugged and laughed.

But of course, they weren't serving all-day breakfast.

So I opted for some pasta with cream sauce that turned out to be too rich for my liking. I took 2 bites, and that was the end of it.

I joked that I was purely there for vitamin D by soaking up the sunlight having asked to be seated next to the window, and vitamin C from the 2 glasses of orange juice I gulped down like a thirsty camel before my main was even served.

Vitamin C and hydration is your best answer to cure a hangover, baby!

If, that's even the cause of my headache. *Rolls eyes*

When we went back to the cinema and showed our tickets to the girl at the entrance, she frowned and said, "Um, you're too late for the movie."

"Isn't it 3.15pm now?" I asked, looking all confused.

"Yes, but your tickets are for the 2.25pm session in Vmax?" The poor girl looked a little confused too by my absolute clueless-ness.

Apparently, we were given tickets for the wrong session than what we had asked for, but were completely unaware of it since we didn't check the time on the tickets!

Oh what can I say? Just another of our blonde moments, I guess. *Shrugs*

Luckily there was no more drama with getting our tickets swapped to the session we originally wanted, we only ended up missing a small part of the Pixar short film shown before the actual movie.

And the movie itself definitely made all the mini-dramas worthwhile!

My headache came back with a vengeance the moment I stepped out of the cinema, so I had to bail on dinner plans.

The very obliging friend drove me down to Box Hill first before sending me home because I was craving for mooncakes. I ran into the Chinese grocery shop, literally, a minute before they closed to grab some traditional mooncakes with white lotus paste and double yolks.

The craving was gone by the time I reached home though, so the mooncakes are still sitting untouched on my table and I'm contemplating whether or not I should change my mind to join them for dinner anyway.

Bee has nicknamed me a pendulum lately because of my unpredictable mood swings and erratic behaviours.

I guess he has a point.

My disrupted sleeping pattern might have finally driven me insane.

Now if you'd excuse me, I need to go take a nice long relaxing bath, and hopefully, I'll manage to get some decent sleep tonight.

Tata!

Buggered

My insomnia has driven me to my wits' end.

I honestly cannot remember when was the last time I slept through the night without sleeping pills.

In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a satisfying night of sleep WITH sleeping pills. (Note: plural.)

It's truly frustrating, and draining.

I think I'm slowly losing my mind.

Today, after yet another night of patchy sleep, I woke up feeling like an old and worn out designer bag.

Used to be fabulous, but now, not so much. :|

I had two things planned for the day - a house inspection in Doncaster and shopping at Westfield.

The inspection turned out to be a complete disappointment because the place looked nothing like the pictures advertised.

What I thought would be a charming townhouse with a small but pleasant English garden turned out to be dated, poorly maintained, and badly in need of a renovation makeover.

Though at the same time, the disappointment also came as relief. Since I already thought the place was well overpriced, as with every other piece of real estate in Melbourne these days, for a West-facing townhouse, I was more than happy to cross it off on my list of houses-I-might-like.

What really buggered up my day was that by the time Wen and I got to Westfield, which was literally only a stone's throw away, all the shops were closing!

That's the sad thing about living in Melbourne. The shops close before 6pm (5pm for Westfield Doncaster) on a Saturday!

Just as we were feeling like two deflated balloons, we got totally starstruck to bump into a reality TV show star in the car park.

We were both too cool (read: old) to go up and talk to him like two crazy hysterical teenage fans that we secretly are, but we just couldn't stop swooning and giggling like one till we met up with KT for dinner in the city.

It didn't even occur to any of us till very much later that it might be a little politically-incorrect to have Korean BBQ as our celebration for Mid-Autumn Festival. You know, with the whole "cultural robbery" drama when Republic of Korea claimed Chinese's Dragon Boat Festival (Gangneung Danoje Festival of South Korea) as a world cultural heritage for its own country.

Oh well. The technicalities and all.

At the end of the day, alcohol is the universal language.

(You didn't think I was gonna come up with a smart conclusion, did ya? Haha.)

So we proceeded to Martini Bar for drinks after I met up with an old friend from high school for post-dinner coffee at Starbucks.

Others celebrated Mid-Autumn Festival with mooncakes and lanterns, we did it with martinis and mocktails.

And that's just the way it's gotta be.

Unsettled

I had a rather unsettling day yesterday.

Which, of course, started with a bad night's sleep the night before.

My insomnia is slowly draining away the last bit of sanity left in me, I'm telling ya.

And it's really NOT a good feeling to wake up, after a fitful night of unrest, to seeing some people you would rather not have anything to do with in your apartment.

Yes, the super irritating couple has returned, and they're already getting on my nerves with their sheer presence. :|

I was, this close, to pulling my hair out upon hearing the sound of them walking through the door.

*Sighs*

Then I had a less-than-satisfying 26th lesson for my Secret Project Australia.

My instructor is weaning me off following instructions from him, which I'm having problems adjusting myself to.

As much as I hated his constant nagging in that very insulting and demeaning tone of his, it actually made me felt safe knowing that he was always going to point out my mistakes and correct what I wasn't doing right.

But he is claiming that I'm becoming too reliant on only doing what he tells me to and it isn't healthy for my learning process.

Therefore, he has decided to continue with his sarcastic and insulting remarks *rolls eyes*, but discontinue giving me specific instructions as of what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

So I'm now expected to be completely independent in making decisions and executing my own judgement, which has left me feeling confused and terrified most of the time.

As a result, I'm making more mistakes while panicking over having to solely rely on my judgement, which I have none, and hence giving him more opportunities to pick on me with his snarky comments.

Very effective for my learning, I'm sure. :/

Once again, I feel lost.

Once again, I'm starting to believe that this might just be the one thing, among many other things, that I might never be able to do no matter how hard I try.

*Deep sighs*

I went to see my new accountant in the afternoon, despite having a sty in my eye, and had more bad news thrown my way.

Can you believe that even though I didn't work for a single day, and hence have had no income what-so-ever, in the last financial year, I still have to pay tax?

Just because I have savings that is earning me a healthy sum of bank interest?!

This is crazy! And absolutely ridiculous!

I'm being punished because I decided to put some money in the bank instead of spending it all, which I might as well have.

It's daylight robbery!!

You hear me, ATO?! It's DAYLIGHT ROBBERY!!!

I'm not even gonna share the other bad news with y'all because it's too depressing just thinking about it.

*Deep deep sighs*

I was starving by the time I got home.

The only things I had eaten all day were a bowl of cereal, a hot chocolate, and a brownie.

A friend took me out to dinner at a quaint little cafe restaurant in North Melbourne, and while I was happily sipping on my pre-dinner drinks, he casually announced that he and his wife are separating.

@.@!

They've been together forever but were only married 2 years ago, and their little baby boy has just turned one last month.

I knew that they've been having problems for a while now, differences in priorities and all that, but I just never thought it would come to this.

The thing is, he was so calm and unaffected, as if he was telling someone else's story. As if, he didn't even care.

It was just so disturbing and saddening to hear that love actually ends. So easily.

Luckily the food was good. I think I enjoyed my lightly seasoned crispy skin hapuka so much that I actually got distracted from analysing it further more. Oh gluttony is my middle name! :p

I was trying my best to not judge another person's decisions or relationships with my standards and values, but halfway through dessert, I heard myself asking him, "Are you, honestly, telling me that you're not sad about it at all?"

He shook his head.

He wasn't. Not the least bit.

Instead of his guilt or effort to try to make the marriage work, she is gonna get a place of her choice in Singapore, a maid, a generous allowance every month, and never having to work a single day for the rest of her life.

So he thinks he's done all he could to make her happy.

"What about love?" I asked.

"What about love? What is love?" He asked me back.

I sat there, with my pot of white peony tea and a half-eaten chocolate brownie, struggling to make sense of it all.

Did he love her? If he didn't, why did he even marry her? If he did, how can love just stop?

But of course, I didn't ask any of those questions.

I couldn't wait for the day to end as I crawled into bed last night. I didn't want to think about any of the things that has happened and I just wanted to go to sleep.

As usual, Bee was there to save the day.

I felt a little better after 2 hours of his patient coaxing and gentle encouragement. Thanks, hunni, you're my rock!

I slept a little better last night too.

Not without the help of Stilnox and a muscle relaxant though.

It's yet another dreary and overcast day in Melbourne today.

I'm trying my best to stay positive and hopeful.

But I'm just a little, unsettled.

October

Be brave.

Be tough.

Don't give up.